Donnie watches TNA 2008. Ah shit, here we go again.

[BigVanDonnie]

Welp, time to pay the piper and return to TNA once more after a super nice 5 months away. Wish me luck.

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-25/10/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Jay Lethal-9/9/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles & Tomko-14/10/07
TNA Knockouts Champion-Gail Kim-14/10/07

TNA Impact
January 3rd, 2008
Impact Zone
"RANKINGS BY GAUNTLET

We get a recap of last years happening of some terrible Kaz/Reign and Joe being nuked, and then AJ now being booked a child.. Starting off with a blow to the head with a baseball bat.

We find JB outside of AJ's grandmothers house where he has locked himself inside for the last two days. AJ's sisters answers the door and lets JB in. JB meets AJ's coach and his priest as they say he's been in there for four day instead of two. AJ yells out from behind his door that he's not here, and JB says he just saw him. AJ yells that JB has no idea what pressure he's under, and he needs to leave now. AJ's kid bangs on the door, but AJ refuses to answer and tells him to go away. AJ's coach Jim's the camera and yells a lot.

We go back to the Zone where Tenay announces there will be FOUR gauntlet matches to decide the rankings for each title. Jesus Christ, way to kill off a match.

In the ring, Cornette & Morgan are standing by. Jim announces said gauntlet matches, and then announces that Roode & Brooks will face Booker & Sharmell at the PPV. He then says Cage will face Angle for the title, but we're thankfully interrupted by Joe's music as he storms to the ring. He demands to know why he's not on the PPV when he's destroyed everyone put in front of him, but he still doesn't get his title shot. Why did Nash and Scott Hall get a tag title shot at the PPV, but he can't get on it. He says Jim's failure to do his job is why he's getting what he deserves. Kevin Nash now comes out as Tenay mentions "the proverbial burial of Scott Hall by Samoa Joe", and hey i want to die. Nash brings up said shoot and says Scott has more problems in an hour than Joe will have in a lifetimes, and he's got no right to talk about him. He says Joe reminds him of them when they were younger as guys who refused to play by the rules. Joe's not there yet and he needs to recognise that because one day he will be there, but not yet. Joe says it's time for the old leaders to step aside or be put aside. Nash says he's not walking away, so maybe he should push his big ass away. Corny breaks it up and says he's going to give them sort of what they want. He says Hall isn't going to show up and that leaves Nash alone, and Joe doesn't have a match on the PPV, so they can team up and face AJ & Tomko. He says they either accept, or they're both not on the show.

In the back, Roode and Brooks say nothing new about Booker.

In the back, 3D bitch about being ranked under other teams by Corny. They blame the fans for doing this, but they swear they'll prove themselves at the PPV in UX. Bubba says he's been jumping around, and Devine says D-Von reminds him of King Kong, and he nearly gets killed for it. VKM walk on and talk some shit about 3D, and then argue amongst themselves about when BG is going to give him his tag title shot. BG says he's looking at someone else, so Kip gets mad and tells him to suck it.

Match#1 Tag Team Gauntlet
-# is Lance Hoyt
-#2 is Kip James.
-Horrrrrrrible fight between these two.
-Tenay says Jim Cornette has decided the ranking and worked out that the worst teams/wrestlers come in first, and the great ones come out last. Actually quite fair.
-#3 is Brother D-Von.
-He's super fat and very bad.
-#4 is Alex Shelley
-He moves as fast as he can as he breaks out some sweet high flying on these lame ducks.
-#5 is Homicide.
-He helps Shelley to carry this by being a fireball, and he backdrops Kip over and out.
-#6 is Jimmy Rave
-He has an awesome fight with Ci in the corner.
-Shelley takes some big bumps for D-Von.
-#7 is BG James
-He tries to run and fire up, but he's beyond wash and it looks god awful.
-He dumps D-Von out.
-#8 is Brother Ray.
-He chops the hell out of Shelley
-#9 is Chris Sabin
-He brings a ton of life to this as he goes wild with big spots and makes these old fucks move around.
-He dropkicks BG out of the ring to the floor.
-#10 is Hernadez
-He's the last man in this, thankfully.
-He murders everyone with his insane power, and even backdrops that fat fuck Bubba with ease.
-Bubba comes back and lariats Shelley to the floor.
-CI and Sabin work together to throw Bubba out.
-We go to the break and come back to the Guns vs Rock N Rave.
-Damn it.
-We get maybe 30 seconds of cool Guns double teams on Rave, and Shelley beats him with the Sliced-Bread#2
-God bless the Guns, Rave and LAX doing their best to save this.
*3/4

Post match, Devine attacks the Guns, and 3D join in to beat them down. They lay them out with 3D's and then place their hands over a table, AND BUBBA CRACKS THE HANDS WITH A CANE SO THEY CAN'T CLIMB UX. HOLY SHIT THAT'S AMAZING. The faces make the save, and Bubba gets the mic and says they'll never climb the ropes because their wrists are now broken at the hands of the best tag team ever.

In the back, Crystal interviews Angle about the match vs. Christian. He says he knows AJ and Tomko will be on his team, and he wants Tomko to officially declare that he's in the Angle Alliance tonight. He says he has plans for Cage, and he's smart even if he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Karen laughs and says she didn't marry him for his brains.

Back at the AJ household, his teacher shows up and says he had bad skin when he was a kid, and AJ gets very upset and calls her a liar. The teacher yells at him to get out goddamn it, and the priest is upset.

Tenay & DW run down the PPV card.

Match#2 Knockouts Gauntlet
-#1 is Angelina Love
-#2 is Miss Brooks
-Well, this is not good at all to the shock of no one.
#3 is Jaquline Moore
-She throws them around a lot, but they suck at bumping so that's working against it.
-#4 is Velvet Skye
-Not Good either.
-I don't want to be an asshole, but it's 2008 and only maybe 5 women on US TV are good, and TNA's two aren't in the match yet to even begin to save this shit.
-#5 is Christy Hemme-
-She hits a nice crossbody to her credit.
-#6 is ODB
-She's not bad, but again she's working uphill against dead bodies.
-She throws Brooks out.
-#7 is Roxxi
-Yeah, she's mostly awful as well.
-#8 is Awesome Fucking Kong
-She kills everyone for being alive and dumps Skye & Hemme out.
-She tosses Love out as well.
-The other 3 team up and hit a bunch of dropkicks in a row and then push her out.
-NO FUCK OFF.
-Roxxi throws Moore out.
-OBD & Roxxi have a decent little match, and OBD wins with a Thez Press
1/2*

In the back, Tomko finds out what Kurt has asked of him, and he says no one demands anything of him from this point on. He dealt with this from Cage for years, and now because of AJ he's getting it from Angle. He's going out there and calling Kurt out to make this stop.

We come back to Tomko in the ring where he tells Kurt to come and talk to him, and Kurt and Karen come out. Kurt says he waits for no one and he's done with him and AJ playing games when he's got Cage at the PPV. He's mean to be with him and he wants his answer right now. Tomko says he bought up an army and he loves the army and it sounds like he's being asked if he would take a bullet for him or Cage, and he would be an outlaw and take the bullet for him and watch them go out in a blaze of glory. He's with himself and not them. Kurt says he respects that and shakes his hand, and he tries to attack but Tomko grabs him by the throat and says he's going to give him a pass, but the next time he's going to break his little neck permanently.

Back at AJ's house, JB talks to the coach who talks about AJ being a wrestler who got beat up by a girl from the city with no teeth who made him piss himself. AJ finally comes out and says that was MT dew and it wasn't pee. He works great under pressure, and then he slams the door again.

We come back from the break where AJ's sister says to come out or she's telling a secret. She starts to talk about catching him jerking off, but he calls her ugly and demands she make him a sandwich, AJ asks JB for Tomko's number, but JB doesn't have it.

In the back, Jay and Dutt riff their best Mega Powers about SO-Cal Val being in love with both of them. Cage walks on and says that interview bombed, so its his turn. He's actually proud of Tomko for being his own man, but he needs to know where AJ stands because will he stand in his glory when he wins the title a third time. He tells Kurt to watch the match tonight and match wits with him.

Match#3 X-Divison Gauntlet
-#1 is Sonajy Dutt
-#2 is Petey Williams
-Same boring stuff between them as has been for the last few years.
-#3 is Shark Boy
-His entire body is covered in bandages.
-He sells as he kicks these losers asses.
-#4 is Elix Skipper
-He botches a lot as his days are done, sadly.
-Petey throws him out.
#5 is Devine.
-He still sucks a lot, so of course he gets to backdrop Sharky out.
-#6 is Senshi
-He kills Devine with a kick and then dropkicks him out.
-He then throws Dutt out.
-Ki does what he can with Petey by kicking his lungs in, but it's not all that good as Ki has already quit at this point and he's not killing himself any more.
-Petey wins with the CD.
1/4*

In the back, James Storm says EY stole the title because he's cheat, so he's challenging him to a drinking championship at the PPV. They're going to tape bottles to their hands and whoever doesn't spill a drop will win. You can't pee or check Myspace, you've gotta drink till you win.

At the AJ house, he's still not coming out because who the fuck would want to at this point? The priest is interviewed but he's deaf for some reason and cant' hear the questions, but he tells him to pick Christian. AJ comes out and says he's a baptist and that's not his priest. DEAD.

Match#4 Heavyweight Gauntlet
-#1 is Booker T
-#2 is James Storm.
-Mike says Booker picked #1 to prove he's not getting any favours.
-Storm finally gets something out of Booker as he bumps around and makes him give a shit for once.
-#3 is Roode
-BEER MONEY
-They kick the hell out of Booker and make a hell of a tag team.
-#4 is Eric Young
-He gets 20 seconds of action before we go to the break
-We come with Harris, Reign, Rellik & Kaz all in.
#9 is Scotty Steiner
-Storm is thrown out by Harris and Kaz
-Scotty suplexes everyone.
-He lariats Roode out
-#10 is Judas Massies
-Harris is kicked out by Reign
-Kaz and Reign have a terrible fight, but Judas throws Kaz out.
#11 is Kevin Nash.
-He works as hard as he can and does some good stuff in between very bad wrestling from everyone else in there.
-Judas throws Steiner and EY out.
-Abyss now shows up in the dark and attacks Judas and lariats himself and him over and out.
-#12 is Samoa Joe
-He lights everyone up, but he's missing a spark that he had even two months ago.
-Reign pushes Booker out.
-Cage's music hits as Kurt waits to ambush him, but Cage sneaks over and attacks him at ringside.
-Nash throws Rellk out.
-Blackshirts stop Kurt after he Angle Slams Cage against the post.
-Nash and Joe go face to face and Nash offers his hand to Joe, which the big man accepts. Nash walks over the top rope to the floor to show he's legit, BUT CAGE SNEAKS BACK IN AND BEATS JOE WITH A ROLL UP HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK THIS. JOE'S DEAD BEFORE HE EVEN STARTS AGAIN.
LOLTNA

At AJ's house, he picks both Kurt and Cage as the side he takes, and then he kicks everyone out of his house.

Holy hell, a truly terrible episode. It's going to be a LONG year.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-25/10/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Jay Lethal-9/9/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles & Tomko-14/10/07
TNA Knockouts Champion-Gail Kim-14/10/07

TNA FINAL RESOLUTION #1
JANUARY 6TH, 2008
THE IMPACT ZONE

Real lame opening video as TNA outright sucks at pretty much everything right now.

Match#1 LAX vs Rock N Rave Infection w/Christy Hemme
Least TNA hasn't ruined opening PPV matches yet as LAX are super over and both in their TNA primes. Rave also looks good for a guy on his last legs. so the opening minutes are very fun. Rave catches Ci with a knee as he intercepts the Tope, BUT HERNANDEZ EVENS IT UP WITH A DIVE OVER EVERYONE TO CRUSH HOYT. FUCK YEAH. We get a few changes in control over the next few minutes as no one can hold on for too long, and it's a super fun back and forth with dives from Ci, and cool power moves from Hernandez. Hemme tries to help, but a masked LAX member stops her, and Hernandez KILLS poor Jimmy with a Super Border Toss off the top to win.
**3/4

Post match, Hemme confronts the masked woman and gets her ass kicked. She takes her mask off and it's Shelley Martinez from WWE, and she gets a nice pop from the crowd.

We go to a video with Storm and EY getting ready for the contest. Storm says it's like wreaking your car ten times in a row, and EY says he's never done that. Storm deadpans he has. They play "I never" and Storm says he's been to the moon, and then mumbles something like Boomhaue. EY says he's never killed a lion, but Storm drinks because he has. EY is forced to drink after admitting he bought condoms at 1am. Storm then drinks because he caused the 1967 Detroit riots. AMAZING. Storm has won the first round.

In the back, AJ & Tomko are interviewed. AJ says he's going to decide but he's still got a few hours left, but Tomko says he's out of time because they've got a title match tonight. If he screws this up for him, his problems will become huge. He needs to pick Angle or Cage. AJ says he's going to let everyone know sooner or later. AJ being booked as the dumbest man ever who is also the best wrestler in the company is really fitting given how he is in real life.

Hype for Kaz/Reign

Match#2 Black Reign vs Kaz
Kaz moves around well and hits a sweet dive along with some good punches, but Dustin is beyond fat and gross and hardly bumps for any of it. Fat Reign throws Kaz into the stage to hurt his neck to take over, and we get one of the worst control segs i've ever seen. Lazy and bad offence at a snails pace. Just fucking dire, man. Kaz sells his neck well to his credit as he actually tries despite his flaws, but it's not worth it AT ALL. Kaz comes back for more terrible Reign bumping, and then the final run is also bad. Kaz at least gets to win with his STO.
1/9*

Post match, Kaz steals Dustin's rat. Please let that poor animal rest.

In the back, JB rants to Kurt about AJ rejecting them after all they've done for him. Kurt says there is no we as he's an interviewer, but then he asks what they'll do if AJ picks Cage. Karen breaks it up and says she's not letting them decide her future as she will take care of it. She leaves as she says she knows how to handle AJ. Kurt makes JB follow her.

Hype for Kim/Kong.

Match#3 Gail Kim (c) vs Awesome Kong (TNA Knockouts Championship-No DQ)
Kong knocks her off the apron to start and a sick fight breaks out at ringside as Kong bashes her with strikes and fat, and Kim pinballs herself around on the concrete. Kong smashes and bashes her like no one has ever done before, and she's goddamn amazing. DW is in awe of how Kong is, and it's one his finest hours as the best commentator in the game. Kong crushes Gail over and over as DW will her to try something, but Kong eats her alive, AND THEN TAKES HER FACE OFF WITH A SPINNING BACK FIST RIGHT TO THE FACE TO KNOCK OVER THE ROPES WHERE HER LEGS GET STUCK AND SEND HER UPSIDE DOWN. HOLY SHIT. She kills her more and breaks out the Joe/Punk rail spot and then hurls her into the crowd to beat her even worse using the steps and whatever else she can find. GAIL GETS A COKE BOTTLE AND HITS HER IN THE FACE OVER AND OVER, BUT KONG DOESN'T DIE AND THROWS HER DOWN A FLIGHT OF STEPS. JESUS MAN. They fight back to the ring where Kim finally manages to dump her over the rail to the floor on her head and neck, and then attack her arm. Gail keeps fighting and fighting and hits a crossbody off the top, but Kong catches her again and throws her against the apron. She goes for the Bomb, but Gail reverses it and moves out of the way of tremors and goes back to the attack. She kicks out of some big moves, and Kong is shocked for once and fails to follow up and kills the ref out of anger. She gets a chair to hit him, BUT GAIL GETS IT FROM HER AND DRILLS HER IN THE FUCKING HEAD AND HITS A SPLASH, BUT KONG KICKS OUT. Kong gets back up and hits a Chokeslam, but Gail kicks out now. Kong picks the ref up for a BOMB, BUT GAIL GETS A SCHOOL BOY TO SOMEHOW WIN THE MATCH.
***1/2

Post match, Kong snaps again and tries to kill her, but all the knockouts run out drag Gail to safety.

In the men's bathroom, Karen finds AJ and tries to seduce him, but he's too dumb to understand what she's trying to do. ODB walks out and tells them to light a match as she walks off laughing. Karen says she likes AJ as he says she's lied to him before. She kisses him on the cheek and says there's more where that came from. AJ kicks JB out and goes into the stall as the camera cuts away.

Hype for Abyss/Judas.

In the back, Father James calls Abyss "Chris" as he says he's going to unleash the dirty little secret that will change the landscape of TNA. One that Chris is scared to death of, and Judas will beat it out of him. Remember what that crazy bitch of a mother said about little boys who lie will be doomed to burn in hell. Nice of TNA to go back to terrible matches and feuds after what could end up the MOTY. Got worried i was watching the wrong company for a second.

Match#4 Abyss vs Judas Mesias w/ FatherJames Mitchell
Abyss is now terrible as he runs like he's got shit in his pants and is throwing awful looking punches with his wrist instead of his fist. Just a giant turd of a man. Judas is bad outside of his LU run, so the opening is a fight that has nothing redeemable about it. Judas takes over and slowly lumbers around beating Abyss up because he's meant to be Kane, but that monster was at least really good at his job. So, was Undertaker, who Abyss is meant to be. They have a bad match with some plunda as Abyss needs his crutch, and they give each other some much needed brain damage. They use a barbedwire chair to bust each other ope, and Mitchell distracts the ref so Judas can hit his STO on it to pin Abyss.
1/2*

Post match, Mitchell demands that Abyss tells the truth, but he then says he's going to burn in hell. He gets a can of gas and tries to light him on fire, but Abyss is sadly saved before he can be burnt to a crisp.

In the back, Nash is interviewed about his history with Joe over the last few weeks. Nash says he's a nice guy who'll slap and kiss you, and Joe knows that as wrestling is like that. He's going to put some asses in seats, win some titles and make a ton of money.

Hype for the mixed tag match.

Match#5 Booker T & Sharmell vs Robert Roode & Ms Brooks
This is also not all that good as Roode's growth into a great wrestler can only get him so far against a sort of trying Booker, and two unstrained valets who don't wrestle, nor should be. Just a bad idea all round, and the less said the better. Sharmell pins Brooks to further add to Roode being a dick to her.
1/3*


Roode yells at her, so she slaps him. Roode grabs her by the hair, and Sharmell goes to help, but Roode accidentally backhands her. Booker then runs back in, and Roode flees.

In the back, Cage doesn't care about that as he's too busy thinking about the world title. He loves AJ as he sees all the potential in him, and he's getting tricked by the cougar elite. Karen is showing her hideous age as she can't make Kurt happy anymore. She's going to go back to her husband and explain why there's a new world champ. Cage finishes by saying "if you don't know, now you know" in a real bad catchphrase that thankfully doesn't last.

Back at the contest, EY and Storm have the bottles taped to their hands and they challenge each other to not piss. EY spots that Storm has pissed himself, and therefore wins the second game.

Hype for UX

In a classic LOLTNA moment, they never set up the UX like they always do, so we get to see them setting it up as Mike and DW run down the feud.

Match#6 Team 3D & Johnny Devine vs Jay Lethal & The Motor City Machine Guns. (Ultimate X-For possession of the stolen title)
-The faces rush them for a super fun brawl as 3D have found new life in this role, and the faces are incredible. Also, the Guns hands are taped and can't climb, so 3D can keep coming back in the opening minutes as both Guns fall off when they try to climb up. 3D knock them out and because they can't climb they try to hoist each other, BUT THEY'RE TOO FAT AND BOTH SQUASH EACH OTHER. AMAZING. We get lots of funny moments as Bubba is trying to climb and has to watch Jay easily leap over him like it's nothing. The Dudz break out canes to even it up and crack the life out of the Guns and then try to piggy back each other, but Jay dropkicks them off in a real gross bump for two huge dudes. BUBBA TRIES TO CARRY DEVINE OVER, BUT JAY HITS A POSION RANA TO CRUSH DEVINE'S HEAD. JESUS MAN. A ladder gets bought in after the ref is taken out, which is a violation of the code of the X-Division. Devine goes to climb, BUT SABIN SHOVES HIM OFF INTO A FEW TABLES THAT DON'T BREAK AND DEVINE BOUNCES RIGHT OFF. The Duds take everyone out and use the ladder to climb up and take the title down and then get rid of it as the ref wakes up and calls for the bell. Awesome bullshit.
**3/4

Hype for the tag title match.

Match#7 AJ Styles & Tomko (c) vs Kevin Nash & Samoa Joe (TNA Worlds Tag Team Championships)
DW does an incredible job of explaining that Nash is aware that he's nearly done as a wrestler and wants money and gold and is using Joe for that, but he also sees Joe as a young kid he likes and respects and actually wants to help to give something back for once. We get a killer exchange between AJ and Joe to start on the mat in some classic stuff, and it's the best stuff we've gotten in non gimmick match since the opener. Nash joins in and tosses AJ around for some wild bumps, but then gives him a lot as AJ chops him down by the knees with some viscous looking stuff. Tomko gets in and has a sick fight with Kev as both throw some bomb strikes, and Tomko takes over with a lariat right to the face after kicking out the knee. The heels isolate him and beat the tar out of it, and Nash's selling rules as he's hobbled and crippled. He get free and tags Joe in for a sick hot tag as Joe FINALLY looks good again beating and kicking heads in. Funny how that works. AJ dropkicks him in the back of the head to isolate him now, and the control seg is even better as Joe takes a proper ass kicking, and AJ leads the charge and also looks the best he has in a while. Fantastic offence both flying around and, on the mat.Joe is of course game to die on all of it. AJ AND JOE GET INTO A STRIKE BATTLE AS THEY SMACK THE HELL OUT OF EACH OTHER. JOE SLAPS HIM DOWN AND THEN PUNCHES HIM RIGHT IN THE FUCKING JAW TO SEND HIM TO THE APRON. AJ TRIES THE FOREARM, BUT JOE CATCHES HIM WITH A NASTY SITOUT POWERBOMB FOR A NEAR FALL. Joe crawls over to Nash for the tag, but Kev drops down and walks out. Oh no. Joe is pisses, but he fights them because he's Samoa Joe, Great desperate stuff from him as he nearly get it done with the Muscle Buster on AJ, but Tomko saves at the last second. Joe fights him off and gets the choke on, but Tomko gets free and leads him into a Pele and then the Carnage Plex for the 3.
***1/2

In the back at the contest, EY and Storm now draw high cards to decide how many shots they'll do, and both get wasted as hell. Storm has no pants on after he pissed himself before, but he still keeps drinking like a king. He gets the beer hose out and pours a ton down it as Jackie flashes EY as he keeps drinking. EY DOES A FLAIR FLOP AND PASSES OUT ON THE FLOOR AS STORM IS SUPER HAPPY HE WON. He says he now gets to pick the match for next month.

In the back, Kurt talks about his medal and how Cage can't overcome the odds of facing him. It's shake and break time, baby.

Hype for the worlds title match.

Match#8 Kurt Angle (c) w/Karen Angle vs Christian Cage (TNA Worlds Heavyweight Championship)
Kurt's brain is fried, but he has a sweet barrage of slams and throws to mess Cage up to start, and in the theme of the night, it's the best Kurt has looked in a very long time. Cage fights back and gets some big shots in of his own and then breaks out the sweet middle rope kick to the head and then hits a big crossbody to drop Kurt onto the ground. He looks to have it going in the ring, BUT KURT CATCHES HIM COMING OFF THE ROPES AND HITS A FUCKING BELLY TO BELLY TO SEND CAGE TO THE FLOOR. WHAT THE FUCK MAN, THAT RULED. Kurt attacks the body and does some truly gross and great work on it, and Cage's selling of his ribs is next level. Kurt hits every suplex clean and mean, and it's a true turning back the clock type work from him as everything is good and not stupid or epic. Cage's attempted comebacks rocks as the ribs hold him back from getting there yet, and Kurt is able to shut him down. Angle uses the Moonsault for the first time in ages and it's amazing looking. Angle keeps doing cool stuff and beating the shit out of Cage. He drills him with German's and then goes for the Angle Lock, and we get Cage trying and trying to get out only to be shut down at nearly every turn until he gets a rollup to force Kurt to break it. Cage fights back now fully and locks in a wonderful looking Sharpshooter to destroy Kurt's legs. Kurt gets out and they fight more before the bullshit hits as Cage kicks out of an Angle Slam, and then Kurt kicks out of the Killswitch. AJ comes out now to pull Karen away and he hugs Cage, but it's a ruse baw gawd as he Forearms Cage in the back of the head. Kurt hits another Angle Slam to win.
**3/4

Post match, Kurt hugs AJ and celebrates with his new son.

Classic TNA PPV with two fantastic matches, a few good ones, a couple of truly horrible ones, and then a main event marred by bullshit. Never change.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-25/10/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Jay Lethal-9/9/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles & Tomko-14/10/07
TNA Knockouts Champion-Gail Kim-14/10/07

TNA Impact
January 10th, 2008
Impact Zone
"PRINCE FOR A NIGHT

In the back, Chrystal finds Roode as she explains that Sharmell has a broken jaw. Roode blames Booker for putting her out there in the first place, and he doesn't care. Chrystal asks if he regrets this, and he stops in his tracks and turns around and says this is wrestling and shit happens. In saying that, he's going to do something worse when he faces Ms Brooks tonight, and he's going to make the broken jaw look like nothing once he's done with Brooks tonight.

TONIGHT; ROODE VS BROOKS. KIM VS KONG FOR THE KNOCKOUTS TITLE IN THE MAIN EVENT.

Match#1 XXX vs The Motor City Machine Guns.
Holy shit, yes please. XXX jump them and break out some brutal work in maybe their last matches in TNA, and the Guns are once game as hell to get their asses kicked with big bumps and great selling. Shelly is isolated and beaten down in great form by the boys, and the crowd is white hot throughout. Sabin gets the hot tag and shows how much he's grown in this role as everything is super smooth and hit with serious intent. Shelley breaks out a dive to take Skipper out, and Sabin and Ki have a fun fight like their 06 series. The Guns get back in together and overwhelm them and beat Ki with a series of kicks and then a double Superkick to put him down.
**3/4

Post match, Christian runs down and attacks XXX and tosses them out of the ring. He gets the mic and says AJ Styles has a problem they need to settle. He can live with him being his own man and standing on his own, but costing him the title is the last straw. He gave him everything he wanted, and tonight he takes it back.

In Cornette's office, Chris Harris bitches about how badly he's been treated since he got here, so Corny begs him to shoot him. They rant a lot, and Corny books Harris against Judas tonight. Harris says he wants more tv time and will face a vampire if he needs, and he's going to be back tonight. Samoa Joe storms in and asks if he was set up. Jim says he booked him a match, but he's got to deal with this one himself. Joe promises he's going to do just that.

In the car park, The Angle Alliance arrive with JB driving them. Kurt says he's going to coronate AJ into the alliance and make him a prince. AJ is very happy about this. Kurt makes JB get the bags.

In the back, JB tells AJ to watch his back after what he did to Cage, and AJ is very confused as to why Christian would be mad. AJ walks over to Kurt and says Cage wants to cripple him, and that's not cool as he doesn't want to be crippled. Kurt ignores him and tells to get dressed. AJ tries to get Karen's help in this matter, and she tells him not to worry and to fix his hair, put on his tux and then hide. Tomko now walks in and says he's checking on AJ, and tells him he's on his own if he wants to dace with Cage.

Match#2 Judas Mesias w/ FatherJames Mitchell vs Chris Harris
Awful 2 minute squash as Harris is finally written off TV after he was destroyed and booked to shit by Russo for reasons none of us will ever know. Judas wins with his shitty STO after spitting blood in Harris' face.
1/3*

In the back, Ms Brooks is very scared about facing Roode, but she knows he wants her to be weak and scare and run away, but she can't do that anymore. The only way out is to face that son of a bitch face to face.

We see that during the break, Mitchell has swore to tell the secret next week about Chris Abyss.

They air a sick highlight video for Kong/Kim.

Match#3 Voodoo Kin Mafia w/Roxxi vs Sonjay Dutt & Petey Williams
It's crazy that VKM have been on TV for nearly 9 years at this point and peaked 8 years before that, and have only gotten worse and worse since then. Anyway, this is awful as Petey is now switching back to being a heel and mostly takes it easy, and Dutt isn't going to carry anyone outside of being cool in short spot fests here and there. So this is an all around terrible idea for TNA. Scotty Steiner sneaks down and switches cases with Petey and then runs away. Petey finally notices his case is different and abandons Dutt to go and find it. Dutt hugs BG and tries to make nice, so Kip gets mad and shoves BG on his ass, and Dutt grabs Kip from behind with a rollup and pins him for 3.
1/7*

Post match, Dutt steals a kiss from So Cal, and she seems to like it.

Back in the ring, VKM argue a lot, and BG walks out. Kip gets the mic and demands an answer on who will be his partner for the tag title match, and he's got until next week.

In the back, Chrystal finds Cage and asks what he's going to do to AJ, and he says he's going to leave that up to her imagination. He walks off as we see AJ and JB are hiding in a box.

We come back to the box where JB says AJ just farted, and AJ says he's nervous. EY shows up and tells them to hide in the park where there's lot of people around. AJ refuses to show up for the coronation and says he's going to hide. He runs off as EY says he'll hold the fort down.

Recap of 3D being jerks and whatnot.

In the ring, 3D and Devine are now there. Bubba brags about beating them at their own game, and they challenge them to one more match at AAO in a street fight. If the faces win, they can have the title back, but if they win the X-Division is dead forever. That seems quite fair if you ignore Cornette being awful at his job and not just taking the title back.

Joe storms into Nash's locker-room and spins him around, but Nash has a bat to hold him at bay. Nash says he doesn't fight for free and if he wants to go tonight he can get a cheque for 200 grand from Cornette for both of them because he's a business man. He's got a house on the beach and money in the bank, and he's got everything he wants. He didn't screw him, he showed him he's acting like an angry child and he needs his wisdom. He gives Joe the bat and turns his back as Joe says he could kill his ass, but Nash walks off as he says he won't. Fuck, not sure how i feel about that, but at least it's better than Joe/Kurt being ran again.

In a pre-tape, Kurt picks Gail to beat Kong as she has heart.

We go to a sitdown with Booker and Mike in a classic WCW bit. Book says the jaw is shattered, and he blames himself for this as he made the biggest mistake of his life. He can't take seeing her like this and he's been beating himself up. If she walks out, it'll be the day he stops taking it out on himself and focus that pain on Robert Roode. He changed the name of the game and made it personal.

Roode walks to the ring and laughs at Booker T for being sad after he agreed to bring his hose faced skank of a wife in the ring with him. He knew anything could happen out there, and so what he broke her jaw and wired it shut. He should be thanking him because now she loose some weight, and that reminds him of another overweight skank in Brooks. He fires her for good this time, and says he's going to get through with her once and for all tonight. She comes out and tells him to shut up and cries a lot about everything, and says he wants to hit her so he can get off and abuse women. She calls him a prick, so he calls her a fat skank in return. He backs her down in the corner, but Corny finally shows up to do his job and breaks it up, and talks about how gross Roode is and how he makes him sick. He should suspend him for the rest of his life, or run him over with a truck. Easy, dude. He says he wants Booker to take him to pieces when he gets back. He asks Traci to leave as he promises that Roode will never touch her again. She walks up the ramp where a woman jumps out of the crowd and beats the shit out of her as Mike says she's a stalker who loves Roode. She beats Brooks down as Roode introduces her as Peyton Banks. Morgan and Corny run them off.

In a pre-tape, Lethal picks Kong.

Outside, AJ is now dressed up as an Egyptian prince and says he jacked this. JB tells him that Karen wants to see him in the bathroom, and AJ excitedly runs off to find her.

Match#4 LAX w/Salinas vs Rock N Rave Infection
Shorter than the PPV and not as crazy as it's more of an LAX showcase this time. Which is cool as LAX rule and do a ton of sick offence, so it's a blast. Ci murders Rave with the Gringo Killah to win. '
**

In the back, Tomko says he likes AJ but he did this to himself after he warned him, and he's on his own. He says this also happened because of a school boy crush as he smiles, and Chrystal is confused.

Match#5 Tomko vs Shark Boy
Wonderful Tomko squash. Mike says Sharky picked this match to prove himself, and he's killed a lot because he's a small shark in a massive ocean of maneaters. Tomko wins with a release Rack Bomb.
**

Post match, Sharky is taken out on a stretcher as he's dead.

In the bathroom, AJ finds Karen in a stall getting dressed, He helps her with her dress as creepy JB tries to help, and AJ has to swat his arms away. Karen makes JB hit the bricks so they can spend some quality time alone. She flirts with him and talks about how strong and cool he is, and tells him to swore like a bird and take the fight to Cage. AJ shouts about the wind beneath his wings and runs off to get dressed.

In the back, Kaz has now named the rat "Marlena" and tells Dustin to get her back if he wishes,

The New Angle Alliance comes out to the ring where there's a throne set up, and JB is holding a crown for AJ. Kurt dubs him "Prince AJ Styles" and gets him to sit down so they can coronate him. He puts the crown on and welcomes him in and thanks him for making the choice to join him regardless of the consequences. Kurt talks about the grace and honour that AJ showed by screwing Cage over, and that was the right decision to do that to a man some say helped his career reach new heights, but enough about that. He talks about the turn, and then Cage's music hits to break up the party. He says he had him beat in the middle with the Angle Lock to make him tap out. He singles out AJ as the crowd chants "Princess AJ" at him. He asks if he's ready to man up, and Karen makes AJ man up and say he won't take his crap anymore. Cage makes fun of him for being a puppet, and calls her a hooker that uses her mouth for $4 and a bottle of rum. AJ gets mad and says he could take him, and Cage walks down to fight them, but Joe's music now hits as he comes out on the other side.

He says he's here for his title match and he's not asking, he's telling him. AJ loses it at him and says Kurt is the champ and they call the shots from now on. Joe says he's going to smack his ass to get what he wants. Cage calls Joe out now and says they don't agree on anything other than these two need their asses kicked. Cornette now comes out to do his job again, and says they both have a rightful claim to the next title shot, and even AJ has one and he wants to see him get whooped. He books a three way dance for the #1 contender ship, and if AJ wins he can either choose the title match or give Kurt two months off until Lockdown in April. Hey, that sounds awesome if it means no Kurt matches for two months, so fuck yeah lets go AJ.

Kong makes her entrance with a woman following her out in a full burka (i think that's the correct term) It's a soon to be named Raisha Saeed aka Cheerleader Mellisa

Match#6 Gail Kim (c) vs Awesome Kong (TNA Knockouts Championship)
Kim rushes her again, and has her face smashed with the backhand again as Kong fucks her up at ringside in even cockier fashion after the PPV. She rams Gail into the walls at ringside and hurts her back, BUT KONG MISSES A CHARGE AND RUNS RIGHT THROUGH THE WALL. HOLY SHIT. We come back to Kong out of the wall badly hurt, but still beating Gail's ass with all that sweet power and fat. Gail rules as she fights from underneath and does a great job of dropping her with a tornado DDT and mounts her with punches and then hits a senton for a near fall. Kong catches her with a chokeslam for a near fall of her own, and then a Jay Driller for another one. Kim fights back again with dropkicks, but she caught trying a Hurrcanrana and Kong hits THREE nasty Awesome-Bombs to win the title.
***

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-25/10/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Jay Lethal-9/9/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles & Tomko-14/10/07
TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong-10/1/08

TNA Impact
January 17th, 2008
Impact Zone
"A FISH OUT OF WATER"

Kurt, Karen and AJ arrive in the limo as JB is sad he didn't get the memo about wearing a tux, and Kurt has to put him in place again. Kurt shouts this is like Christmas, and EY runs on like an idiot and shouts how happy he is about this. Kurt locks him in the limo and then talks about how AJ is going to win him 2 months off. JB brings up the fact AJ could challenge them, but Karen quickly shuts it down and walks off with Styles.

The Guns and Lethal make their way out to the ring and dub themselves the "Motor-City Machismo-Guns" They go over the challenge by the Dudz and whatnot, and Shelley says if they win they're going to make 3D reach a weight before they can compete and they have to weigh in every week. 3D come out and claim to be slim and trim, but D-Von is above 300 because he's in training and he has bigger traps than Kong's ass. Bubba keeps talking about how handsome D-Von is as they get to the ring and accept all the conditions, and then a massive brawl breaks out. Morgan and blackshirts come out and break it up.

In the back, Chris Abyss is asked about Mitchell's threats, and he says the secret emerges over his dead body. He says this is the end of Mitchell and Judas. Liked him a lot better when he didn't speak tbh.

DW and Mike show footage of all the horrible things that have happened to Shark Boy over the last few weeks.

We go to JB at Shark Boy's home in an underwater lair where his family are all wearing shark masks and we find out his daughter is called Ariel. He's also being treated by Dr Fisherman. AMAZING. They say that Sharky is floundering and things are going fishy for him and he's reaching low tide. His family cry a lot over his body.

In the carpark, Dutt has to tell EY that the limo door isn't locked and he can get out. EY does just that and makes his way out to the ring.

Match#1 Tomko vs Eric Young
Short fun murder or EY by the big fella. Tomko wins with a running Lariat.
*1/2

Post match, Storm runs down and hits EY with the Eye of the Storm, and offers Tomko a beer. Tomko takes it and has a drink, but then beats up Storm and gives EY his drinking title back. Fuck yeah, Tomko.

In the back, Cage is happy that Tomko is being his own man and not picking a side like AJ. He's going to prove he's the best in the world and the real champion, and he also wants to protect the world from that little trick Karen. He's going to beat Joe and AJ and get his rematch.

We go to the back where Dustin searches a workshop for that poor rat. He cries and yells a lot as he can't find it.

Match#2 ODB vs Angelina Love
DW talks about how ODB won the gauntlet a few weeks ago, and i actually forgot about that. Also, Gail has suffered a concussion after the Kong match, and is out now. This a fine little showcase for ODB as she hits hard and uses her fat to beat Love around the ring, and it's a nice showing for her. She wins with a running Powerslam.
*3/4

Post match. ODB says Kong has beaten every broad here except her, and she's challenging her for AAO.

In the back, Nash is telling Joe that's he money and he's going to get power and ladies if he wins tonight. He tells him to light the fuse and then gives him a fist bump.

We go back to Sharky's home where Chris Harris is now sitting there as he has to hang out with sharks to get TV time. LAX come in and steal some of Sharky's toys to sell later. Ci hits the Shark pose and leaves as says he thinks he's dying, and Harris says it his career that's dying.

Match#3 Kaz vs Senshi
3 minutes in Ki's last match for a few years, and he lights this stupid fuck up with brutal kicks and chops as only he can. Kaz brings nothing to the table as we've covered time and time again, so it's a one man Ki show. Kaz sadly comes back with some lame looking moves and kicks and wins with his stupid Wave of the Future.
**

Post match, Reign comes out and hits Kaz with the hammer knife thing. He gets the rat cage out but it's empty, so he breaks it over Kaz's dumb face.

in the back, Mitchell promises to tell the secret that he's held onto for 20 years, and it will change Chris Abyss' life.

in the back, AJ finds and hugs Tomko. He asks for advice on what he should do once he wins, and Tomko says he won the tag titles without Kurt, and he can do the same with the world title. Its that simple.

Match#4 Abyss vs Lance Hoyt w/Jimmy Rave
Standard terrible squash from Abyss to Hoyt. Just want these two to never meet again at this point. Mitchell comes out and demands Abyss tell the world, but he refuses so Mitchell walks off to the back. Chris Abyss wins with the Black Hole Slam.
1/3*

Post match, Mitchell shows up on the tron and talks a lot about nothing, and hey he's Chris Abyss' dad. Baw gawd never saw that coming.

In the back, Abyss cries and smashes things.

During his intro, Sonjay tries to kiss Val again, and then slaps her bum.

Match#5 Robert Roode w/Peyton Banks vs Sonjay Dutt.
This gets seven minutes for some reason, but it's nice to see matches get actual time again. Dutt has a fine flurry and a big dive to start, then Brooks comes out to stand in his corner. We come back from break to Roode beating Dutt down, and it's another super good effort from him as it's all coming together, he just needs to face better wrestlers. Dutt thankfully never comes back, and Roode wins with the Payoff.
**1/4

Post match, we get a catfight. Matt Morgan runs down to break it up when Roode tries to attack Brooks. This is the best use of Matt Morgan.

In the back, JB is with AJ and Karen. Karen answers for AJ and says he's going to do the right thing for him, so she can do the right thing for him. She kisses him and calls him the prince of phenomenal.

In the back, BG tells Kip his partner is on the way right now. Kip tells him he better be tougher than him, or he's kicking both their asses.

Back at Sharky's, Love and Skye show up and talk about how bad he looks, and then they go to give him mouth to mouth, but Sharky's dad jumps on the bed to get some. They walk off in disgust.

In the ring, VKM are now here to talk about the partner. Kip rants about BG turning his back on him after ten years of being a team. BG tells him to shut up and talks about God giving him his dreams and letting them become true, and he and Kip did all those things together. He has a hero since he was a baby, a man who killed himself to make a living for his family. His dream is to team with that man, so he brings out his daddy Bob Armstrong as his partner. Kip hugs them both and seems cool with it.

Back at Sharky's, EY now arrives and tells him that all the fish have fought. Jaws fought to the bitter end until he got blown up, and he's gotta fight. Sharky wakes up and does his amazing Stone Cold impression. SHELL YEAH.

Kurt comes out and praises AJ as the man who will give him two months off.

In Cornette's office, Jim tells Petey and Scotty how important the X-Division is, and Scotty talks about how short and skinny they are. Jim tells him that's wrong and he should prove he's the best and can face the division, so Scotty takes his case back and runs off.

Match#6 AJ Styles vs Samoa Joe vs Christian Cage (#1 Contenders Match, or Kurt Angle gets two months off. Elimination Match)
Awesome opening fight as AJ is punished for his sins. by the faces, and then they fight and have a killer back and forth. AJ tries to hit his tope, but Joe crushes his face with a nasty kick, and then Cage follows up with a sick crossbody to AJ, AND THEN JOE TAKES THEM BOTH OUT WITH THE ELBOW SUICIDA. We come back from the break to more fun 3 way fighting as everyone looks so good, and all the Russo bullshit is dead and gone for once as great wrestlers can do their things. AJ hits a Forearm and nearly gets the Clash on Cage, but his legs are turned and twisted into a gross looking Texas Cloverleaf that bends AJ's back and neck all the way back. Joe makes the save and cracks heads, and has another super fun fight with Cage. AJ gets a chair and brains them both, but Joe kicks it into his face to knock him down, but the ref sees it and DQ's Joe. Oh no. Joe loses his shit and attacks blackshirts and goes after Morgan, but Nash comes down and clams him down and gets him to back off. We come back to AJ vs Cage, and they have a brilliant back and forth with a ton of close calls, and new counters to old classics from both. Cage's selling is next level as AJ moves ahead and beats the crap out of him. Cage's comebacks are sweet and he finally knocks the fuck out of AJ with a running Lariat. He fights more and more and even breaks a sitout powerbomb when AJ runs at him and puts him down with it for a 2.9 count. They move into the finishing run as they sell their asses off and cut each off as they get closer and closer to winning. AJ uses the Spiral Tap for the first time in two years, but Cage moves and AJ eats shit. Cage tries the Frogsplash, but AJ gets his knees up. AJ tries the Killswitch to send a message, but Cage reverses and it hits the real one to win the match.
***

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-25/10/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Jay Lethal-9/9/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles & Tomko-14/10/07
TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong-10/1/08

TNA Impact
January 24th, 2008
Impact Zone
"YOU WILL NEVER FORGET SAMOA JOE"

We see footage from last week where Joe walked away from Nash's plea's to stay.

In the locker-room. Cornette has MCMG, Lethal, Devine, Tomko & AJ. Jim blames himself for messing everything up last week in the main event, so he's going out in a blaze of glory by making some matches. (you know, the thing he gets paid to do)
-Lethal vs Devine for the title in a street fight.
-AJ & Tomko vs The Guns for the titles. FUCK YEAH.
3D sadly walk in and make some bad jokes, and then they Morgan has told them about not being in the tag title match, and they deserve a shot for being the best over those punks. Jim makes the match on the condition they leave him alone. Holy shit Jim, you are the worst.

Tonight; Booker T returns. Abyss Chris has a sit down, The end of year awards.

Big Sexy makes his way out with his now amazing super long grey hair in another all time look for the big man. He says it's clear to everyone that Joe got screwed over last week. Nash says he grew up doing things the hard way and the easy way, and he wants Cornette to come out and make things right for Joe. Or, he ignores this and Jim can deal with Samoa Joe when he gets here. Morgan comes out instead to zero pop and then some "you suck" chants, and it only gets worse as his awful voice in no way matches a dude that big and scary looking. Anyway, he says all of Nash's old kliq's are dead and his career is on life support, and he's the new giant in TNA and the new law around here. He demands Nash leave or else, so Nash chokes him and screams to never disrespect him. He lets go and walks off, so Morgan jumps him from behind and beats him dow, BUT JOE JUMPS THE RAIL AND BEATS UP MORGAN AND RUNS HIM OFF AND CHECKS ON NASH. Joe gets the mic and says Nash asked to do it the nice way, but now they're going to do it the hard way. They're never going to forget is name.

In the back, JB talks about the awards when Kurt walks over and gets mad at him for not being part of the meetings tonight. Kurt asks AJ to have a sitdown with Tomko. AJ isn't sure, but Karen promises to fix it. She makes the others leave and then flirts with him until he agrees.

In the back, Cage is now interviewed as matches aren't allowed it would seem. Anyway, he says he knows Tomko better than anyone and he respects him, so he's giving him space and he hopes it works out for Kurt.

Match#1 James Storm & Robert Roode w/Jakie Moore & Peyton Banks vs Sonjay Dutt & Eric Young.
BEER MONEY. Only 3 minutes of course, but it's all very fast and fun as the boys mesh right away as they beat the shit out of the faces, and the fans already hate them a ton. They isolate EY and destroy him for 90 or so seconds in a fun control seg, and EY sells his ass off like a lunatic. Dutt has a fine hot tag before it breaks down, and Dutt is beaten by the Payoff.
*3/4

Post match, Traci runs down and Banks until she gets dragged away.

Booker arrives and refuses to talk.

In the ring, JB & Val announce that Jay Lethal has won the X-Division wrestler of the year award. Val kisses him, and then Jay thanks the fans and then takes his glasses off and speaks in his normal voice about how comes out to gives the fans the best match he can possibly give them. He's madder than hell at Devine, and he's going to get his belt back for him and the fans.

In the back, Black Reign says some shit, BUT JOE RUNS OVER AND BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Kaz walks on and steals Reign's wig and knife hammer.

We get an amazing recap of Shark Boy dying and then becoming Stone Cold.

Match#2 Shark Boy vs Elix Skipper
Sharky is now healed and squashes Skipper with good punches and stomps and then riffs all of Stone Cold's offence. Sharky wins with the Stunner.
*1/2

Post match, Sharky cuts an Austin like promo in fantastic form and is now going to raise some hell because he's going to bite some asses because that's the fishing line. He then down a bottle of clam juice.

int he ring, JB & Val announce Gail as the Knockout of the year. She comes out and says she's suffering from a concussion thanks to Kong. She is proud of what that title represents for all of women in wrestling, but Kong is a disgrace because she doesn't care about what it takes to win. Wait, what the fuck. She beat your ass, so she clearly cares, you moron. Kong comes out now and we get a sick brawl before Kong headbutts her in her shitty brain and beats the hell out of her for being a goofball. ODB runs down for the save, but Kong boots her down and has a fun back and forth with her before knocking her face off with a lariat. ODB fires back and knocks her out of the ring.

In the back, Kurt tells Tomko that he can have all the perks that AJ gets if he sides with him. Money, cars and Karen. Tomko says he's married and has a kid, so no thanks. Kurt tries to sell it by saying she's not a girl he picked up at the strip club, so Tomko grabs him and kicks the shit out of him as the camera cuts away.

We come back to them brawling into the Zone and then into the ring. Tomko clobbers him and puts on a sick display of punches. Kurt gets free and screams that Tomko blew it, so he's challenging him next week. He hopes his stripper wife has next week off so she can take him to hospital. Tomko goes after him and they brawl until blackshirts pull them apart.

In the back, Devine cuts a terrible promo trying to be a tough guy, and it's very clear as to why he's never spoken at length before. Bubba cuts him off and hypes up the main event.

Match#3 Jay Lethal (c) vs Johnny Devine (X-Division Championship-Street Fight)
Jay goes after him with a chair and some plunda and we get a fun classic Hardcore brawl between a great wrestler and a nothing that can at least die a lot. Jay busts him open with a trash can to the face and wreaks his face with cool dropkicks and cane shots, and the cut is ripped wide open in a proper nasty one. Jay has it won, but the Dudz run down so he dives on them with a crossbody. He runs back in at Devine, but Johnny hotshots him throat first into a chair for a near fall. Jay comes back and brains him, but the Dudz save and hit him with a cane to the back and throw Devine on top to win the title.
**1/4

Post match, Joe runs back down and scares 3D off so he can kill Devine for messing with this once perfect division. He chokes him out as 3D watch on. Great angle, but it begs the question of where the hell were the Guns???

We go to the interview with Chris Abyss Mitchell. He says he wears the mask to hide the shame of Mitchell being his dad, and he's taken too much abuse now. He's going to end Judas career in a barbed wire match at AAO. He's going to inflect scars that will never heal.

In the ring, JB now announces that Booker T's debut won the 2007 memorable moment of the year. Lol nope. Booker comes out to accept. He talks to Sharmell at home and says he loves her, and he's going to make Robert Roode pay. Roode is standing by in the back and says he's a terrible husband for letting him injure Sharmell, accident or not, and tells him to give her his best regards.

In the back, BG is with his daddy. He talks about being being war ready and whatnot for the PPV.

Rock N Rave now come out with a guitar hero gimmick, and it's a proper wonderful throwback for me. I sucked at it, but man was that game fun.

Match#4 Rock N Rave Infection w/Christy Hemme vs Curry Man & Tiger Mask IV
Sadly, TNA firing Christopher Daniels means he can't meet Curry Man in a dream match. This gets nearly 5 minutes and everyone is game for some fun wrestling and comedy hijinks like dancing and playing air guitars, so this is all very good times. Rave pinballs himself for the faces and really gets killed on some bumps, and it's sad knowing where this is all heading for him. Tiger beats him with a flying headbutt.
**1/2

TNA airs a package on Brock Lesnar's UFC debut due to the spike partnership. Another throwback for young Donnie falling in love with MMA

In the ring, JB now announces Samoa Joe as the 2007 MVP in the only winner that makes any sense. Joe comes out and rightly asks why he hasn't gotten his world title shot, and JB has the balls to say that Joe already had a shot and lost it against Kurt. Joe says that's the wrong answer, and he lariats JB out cold. Jim runs down and asks what's wrong with him, and Joe smashes the trophy and corners Jim before Nash comes out and gets in between them. Jim says last week was a bad call just like in other sports, and he can't change Angle vs Cage. He can make him the enforcer for the match, and DW says it won't appease him at all. Damn right, Don. Jim says if he plays nicely, he can have a shot at DX in March. Joe says not yet, he wants a 5 year contract where he gets 15% more than Kurt every year. Uhh, that's lame. Jim agrees to the terms and says he can have it next week. Well, this turned bad real quick.

In the back, AJ and Tomko argue about earlier.

Match#5 AJ Styles & Tomko (c) w/Karen Angle vs Team 3D vs The Motor City Machine Guns (TNA World Tag Team Championships)
Sabin makes Bubba do armdrags and holds on the mat, and it's very funny and makes up for an otherwise dull in ring episode. AJ finally fights Sabin again and holy shit is it good as hell watching AJ bully him, and Sabin fighting from underneath to make him eat shit with a gross Tornado DDT. It breaks down quickly and AJ gets revenge with a dive on the Guns, and then Bubba throws him into Karen to knock her out. AJ freaks out like an idiot and helps her to the back, and leaves poor Tomko by himself. He now gets isolated by 3D in a good control seg as they're trying hard in 2008, and Tomko rocks a lot as we know. Things break down again and Tomko guts it out and beats D-Von with a lariat.
**

AJ runs back down and tries to make nice, but Tomko shoves him on his ass. Cage comes out and laughs and claps for his problem solver as the show ends.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

I'm sorry for being MIA for the last few weeks, but i broke my leg after an accident and have been recovering ever since. It's a been awful, but i'm on the mend and figured it's time to get back to our favourite red headed step child of a wrestling company. it's not like it could be more painful than snapping your tib and fib, RIGHT???

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-25/10/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Jay Lethal-9/9/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles & Tomko-14/10/07
TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong-10/1/08

TNA Impact
January 31st, 2008
Impact Zone

We kick off with a sick recap of Tomko becoming his own man over the last few weeks. It's announced that tonight it will be Tomko vs Kurt!!

"BOSS OR PARTNER"

In the back, Kurt, AJ and JB (in a neck brace for reasons i can't quite remember) are standing by. AJ screams this doesn't make any sense and it's putting him in a bad spot. Kurt tells him to shut up and says he finally made him a star, AND AJ SCREAMS AT HIM THAT HE WAS TNA CHAMPION. FUCK YEAH. Kurt laughs and says that was when TNA was a startup (NOPE) and it doesn't count, so AJ rightly points out he won it three times. Kurt snaps and grabs him and tells him if he gets involved tonight, he kicking his ass. AJ shoves him away and storms off.

3D and Devine come out to the ring and talk their normal shit about the Guns and Jay, and it's not breaking any new ground whatsoever. The Guns and Jay pop up on screen dressed as the classic ECW Dudz and hit some classics, and it's pretty funny at least. 3D and Devine run down and attack them with canes and beat them down to the ring with some gross and loud shots. 3D hit them with chair shots to the head and bust Jay wide open with a truly gross shot. The Guns don't blade as they refused like cowards, so 3D murder them with nasty powerbombs through tables. Bubba gets the mic and talks about their careers and how they're now gods now and if God was a heel, he would be in 3D. Good stuff.

In the back, Scotty watches Petey work out as he talks about how it's cool to be in the X-Division, but he's still cooler than most. The interviewer tells him that if 3D win at the PPV, the title will be retired. Steiner says he had no clue and Petey better him to fix this, or he has a problem with him. LOVE that Steiner doesn't watch the show, or at least 3D segments and has zero clue his shot is on the line.

Match#1 Scott Steiner & Petey Williams vs Rock N Rave Infection w/Chisty Hemme
Steiner vs Rave is a wild dream match, so of course most of the match is Petey doing a terrible Scotty impression and being a boring goober. Hoyt and Rave take over and do some basic stuff, and it's not all that great as Jimmy is having a bad night which leaves Hoyt doing most of the offence. Scotty gets the hot tag and murders them as he shouts at Petey about how this is how you do it. Steiner tags him back in and steals both cases and hits Petey in the face with one and walks off. The heels quickly pin Petey.
1/2*

In a pre-tape, Bob Armstrong trains BG.

Match#2 Kip James w/Roxxi vs Hernandez w/LAX
Hernandez bumps around big to start for this old shit, and then it settles into a muscle head back and forth because Kip can never look weak no matter how stupid it is. The bullshit hits as the ref is distracted and misses Roxxi on the apron. She tries to throw powder in Hernandez's eyes, but he ducks and Kip eats it and is beaten by a rollup because he also can never lose clean.
1/5*

Post match, Kip yells at Roxxi and kicks her out of VKM. Great use of TV time.

In the back, AJ tries to make nice with Tomko after last week and begs him not to fight Kurt. Tomko says he can't back down from this, and AJ is falling for Karen like a school boy. AJ says she's into him, but Tomko shakes his head and walks away.

Hype for Abyss/Judas.

Match#3 Judas Mesias w/ Father James Mitchell vs Kory Chambers
Also bloody awful as this episode is a proper test of how much can i take. All his offence is trash looking as he's a tiny man trying to be a big scary monster, and it just dies a death. He wins with his running STO.
1/2*

Post match, Mitchell says nothing new, so fuck him.

Shark Boy comes out and does his Stone Cold impression, and then issues an open challenge. He turns to Slick Johnson and talks shit about how much he sucks, and then lays him out with a Stunner.

In Jim's office, Matt Morgan complains about getting beaten up by Joe last week and says he's going over his head. Jim shuts him up and tells him that once Joe is under a new contract, he's under their thumb for ever. They yell some more until Nash walks in and says to give him a hundred grand and he can kick his ass tonight. Jim calms it down as Nash says if this doesn't go smoothly, he's walking away from all of it. AJ now walks in and gets on his knees as he begs Jim to cancel the match tonight. Jim instead says he's going to fix this later.

Later is now as we come back to Jim in the ring running down the PPV card. He brings AJ out to the ring and yells at him for being very dumb, and then makes him the referee for the match or else he's going to fire him. AJ cries a lot because he's a massive loser.

In the back, Kong and Saeed are interviewed. They tell ODB to stay out of the way or she's getting crippled and having all her bones broken.

Match#4 ODB vs Angelina Love vs Roxxi
Very bad at this is one of the worst in ring episodes ever. None of them are trained or very good, so it's bad offence and miss-timed spots in between that. Love uses her body to distract the ref so she can steal the pin on Roxxi over ODB
1/4*

Post match, ODB beats her up.

In the back, Kurt once again tells AJ to knock it off and count 3 for him, but AJ doesn't want to because he loves Tomko. Kurt tries to attack AJ, but Tomko makes the save and they have a pull apart.

Recap of Roode breaking Sharmell's jaw.

In a pre-tape, Booker says she's getting better.

Roode comes out now and says Booker is pathetic and asks if he got the candy he sent. Tenay is very mad about all of this.

Match#5 James Storm, Robert Roode & Peyton Banks vs Sonjay Dutt, Eric Young & Traci Brooks
Hey, a fucking wrestling match on wrestling TV. Some fun exchanges to start between the dudes as they're fired up and trying their best to show off. Beer Money work SO well together and shut Sonjay down and beat the hell out of him, and they're already a top 3 tag team in the company. EY has a quick hot tag before it all breaks down as it tends to, and everyone gets involved. EY eats a Superkick and then the Payoff to give the heels the win.
**

Post match, Booker T runs out of nowhere and blindsides Roode like a real bitch.

In the back, Kaz does one of the single worst Goldust impressions i have ever, and mean EVER heard. He challenges Dustin to a RAT ON A POLE MATCH NEXT WEEK.

In the ring, Jim and Morgan have Joe's new contract all ready, and they bring him and Kev out to the ring. Jim kisses his big Samoan ass and talks about how he's the best in the world, and he's very happy to be able to present the contract he not only wants, but deserves. Nash looks over it in the best part of this as it's all about the money. Jim shows he's an actual joke as a boss as he doesn't even have a pen for Joe to use. Morgan finds a pen and throws it in Joe's face and takes his jacket off and shoves him, AND JOE KILLS THIS STUTTERING ASSHOLE WITH A BACKDROP DRIVER THROUGH THE TABLE. FUCK YEAH JOE. HE RIPS THE CONTRACT UP AND WALKS OFF AS KEV LAUGHS HIS BALLS OFF.

Match#6 Kurt Angle w/Karen Angle vs Tomko (AJ Styles is the guest referee)
Tomko rushes him and makes it a fight as Kurt can't go full Kurt Angle in a fight, and it's very good as both dudes are throwing hard shots and beating the crap out of each other. Tomko moves ahead as he clobbers him, but Kurt rams him into the corner and hits a gross German to drop Tomko on the back of his head. We miss a ton of the match because of the break, but we come back to more fighting and back and forth, and it's still cool. AJ refuses to count the pins for either, and he again stomps and cries like a baby. Proper political hit by someone in the back, but i can't think of who. Kurt hits the Angle Slam and locks in the Angle Lock, but Tomko kicks him off into AJ to knock him out. WAIT WHAT THE FUCK. IS AJ NOW AS WEAK AS A NORMAL REF????????/ Christian runs down and hits Kurt in the face with the title, and Tomko hits the TKO and forces AJ to count the 3.
*1/2

Post match, Karen slaps AJ like a little bitch.

Cage runs off and says Tomko wants what's best for himself, and he wants the same for Tomko.

During the highlights of the show, it's announced it will be Cage vs Judas next week.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-25/10/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Johnny Devine-24/1/08
TNA World Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles & Tomko-14/10/07
TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong-10/1/08


TNA Impact
February 7th, 2008
Impact Zone

After a million weeks, we've finally made it to Feb. Wooooo.

"FRIEND OR FOE"

In the back, Roode mocks Sharmell's broken jaw as he drinks a shake. He then does a Booker T impression that's not very good, so um please make this all stop. He promises to show Booker that it pays to be Roode.

Bobby comes out for his match, but Booker jumps him again and beats him up and throws him into the crowd.

Tonight; Devine vs Homicide. RATS ON POLES. Christian vs Judas.

We get a run down of the PPV card and it's announced that Joe is now the enforcer for the world title match. Well, that makes zero sense. Goddamn it, TNA.

In the back, Morgan is crying to Jim about Joe kicking his ass again. Jim tells him to shut up so he can save their jobs, and get Joe to sign the contract. Morgan backs off like a giant coward, and Jim leaves the room.

As Kong makes her way out, ODB comes on the screen and talks about drinking and fucking a lot.

Match#1 Awesome Kong w/Raesha Saed vs Traci Brooks
Fuck yeah, Kong squashes her like a bug and finally gets us a good opening match this year. Kong uses her fat to kill her over and over, and wins with the Awesome Bomb.
*3/4

Post match, Peyton attacks Brooks with some awful looking strikes.

In the back, Booker chases Roode into a car where Bobby drives away.

In the office, Petey yells at Scotty for beating him up last week. Scotty also yells at Jim for selling him a bill of goods, and Jim tries to make nice by saying he can have a PPV match against Petey for BOTH cases and therefore can have a world title shot if he wins. That's fair, but it also buries the X-Division title a little more and fuck them for that.

Hype for RATS ON POLES

Match#2 Black Reign vs Kaz (RATS ON POLES)
4 poles with 4 boxes are here as Russo has 100% complete control and will set this place ablaze until, well its going to be a loooooooonnnnnggggggggggggggg few years. 3 of the boxes have rat traps while the other has the poor rat in it. They have a horrrrrrrrrrrrrrible fight and both get their hands crushed by the rat traps, but neither blades because of some true cowardice behaviour from both. They keep having a bad wrestling match as Dustin is fat and high, and Kaz is Kaz. Kaz crotches him on the ropes and gets Misty free to win.
LOLTNA

Dustin uses knife hammer to knock Kaz out, and steals Misty back. Cool, so this entire feud was pointless.

In the back, Booker is wearing a sweet Hendrix shirt as JB talks to him. He says nothing new, but props for the shirt.

Recap of the X-Division/Dudz feud.

Match#3 Johnny Devine (c) vs Homicide w/Sallinas (TNA X-Division Championship)
Devine is bad as we know, but Ci finally gets 6 minutes and works as hard as he can for TNA TV to get all he can get from this dweeb. He nails the Tope Con Hilo and wreaks him with sweet basics, and this is all Ci. Ci misses a dive to let Devine take over, and he does maybe a minute of bland and boring work, and once again does NOTHING to help his cause when he's been given such a major push. Ci sells his ass off and really takes some good bumps for it, but it's almost not worth it. Ci has a fun comeback and holds Devine's hand through the finishing run. Ci has it won after the Cop Killa, but 3D run down for the DQ.
**

Post match, 3D hit Ci with a cane, but Hernandez makes the save and kills Devine with the Border Toss.

In the back, Cage talks about how crazy wrestling is as this could be his last world title shot. He's seen this craziness of this soap opera and he's calling Tomko out tonight for one last face to face.

Recap of Joe's rampages over the last few weeks.

In the ring, Corny has a another contract and table set up, and he brings Joe out to sign this one. Joe comes out with Nash, and Jim says he's demanded that Matt Morgan stay in the back this time. He covers the contract and says all the things that Joe wanted are there, and he even has a pen this time. (Hey, great work doing the easiest thing possible) Joe goes to sign, but Kurt Angle comes down because i can't have a long break from this dreadful feud it would seem. Jim yells at him for screwing this up, and Kurt says it's actually Jim's fault this is all messed up. Kurt brings up Joe being the enforcer for the match, and says he doesn't trust him and if he screws him it will be the last thing he ever does. Kurt says he knows Joe is angry because he replaced him as the best, and he's better than him. Any funny stuff, he's breaking his ankle and making sure he never walks again. Joe weirdly kisses up and talks about how much he respect Kurt and promises to call it down the middle. He shakes Kurt's hand and then pulls him in and Spinebusters him through the table. Joe slaps the contract away from Jim's hands and leaves with Nash. Gosh, this is mostly bad.

In the back, Rock N Rave talk about being the best band ever.

Match#4 Rock N Rave Infection w/Christy Hemme vs Curry Man & Shark Boy
This also gets 5 minutes and it's very fun as everyone is goofing around and going for broke with cool looking stuff, and the crowd is hot to cap it off. Curry dances in between being great, and it's a shame that Christopher Daniels was fired before he ever faced him. The heels isolate him and put on a much better control seg than last week as Petey isn't here to drag it down. They attack his neck with some nice boots and stomps, and Curry sells it really well. Sharky gets the hot tag and bites some fin and raises some waves as he does his thing. He hits them both with Stunners, and Curry hits Rave with a TKO Bomb and lets Sharky make the pin.
**1/4

In the back, Tomko says he's curious to hear what Cage has to say, so he's willing to go down there.

In the back, BG talks about how hard his daddy trained him for the title match (yes there are tag titles in TNA) and they're going to be bad blood and fighting family and take the titles home. Kip walks on and makes up and says he's here to wish them luck and he behind them all the way.

Before the next match, AJ comes out and says he's truly sorry to Karen as he loves her a lot. He asks for his keys back to the locker room, and shouts he love them both.

Match#5 AJ Styles vs Tiger Mask IV
AJ finally gets a singles match again, and is pissed and on one as he lights this guy up with all the classics for 5 minutes. Great AJ work from top to bottom as he gives the kid a little, and then shuts him down and beats his face in as he shows how far above he is than everyone else in TNA, and possibly American wrestling as a whole at this point. AJ breaks out the forearm over the rails and other tricks this dude isn't at all ready for, and AJ keeps doing it like it's the easiest thing in the world. The ref gets knocked into the ropes, so AJ throws TM4 in the air and mule kicks him in the dick and hits the Clash to win. Love that AJ was never going to lose, but he decided to cheat just because the chance was there.
**1/2

Christian and his problem solver come out to meet face to face. Cage gets straight to the point by saying he applauds him for being his own man these days. He knows where AJ stands after he cost him the title, and well he did help Tomko out last week. If he wants to finish what AJ started, they can do it right now. He offers to turn his back and tells him to do what's best for him. Tomko hesitates about what to do, and he spins him around and holds his fist up to his face. He puts his arm down and leaves without incident.

Match#6 Christian Cage vs Judas Mesias w/Father James Mitchell
Nice to see that Russo finally realised he could make an actual Biblical match on TV, and he went right for it. Shame that this Judas is actually worse than the real one as i would trust him to have a good match with Cage. Judas does some lame biting and bad monster offence as he has no idea how to actually convey it, and it's insane to think LU is going to give this idiot a career and a rep he can coax off for the rest of his life. Cage works as hard as he can as he's becoming a super worker in 2008, and gives him a ton of chances to not look awful. Cage takes a gross press slam to the floor to hurt his ribs, and he sells his ass off as he carries him more and more as he eats shit and dies for all of Judas's work. Christian comes back and puts forth another fantastic one man show. Things break down and Abyss comes out and chases Mitchell away, and this allows Cage to slip in the Unprettier to pin this big moron.
**1/4

Post match, Abyss chases the loser away. AJ runs in from behind Cage and beats the shit out of him with amazing punches and slams his head off the mat like a basketball. Cage fights back and gets AJ in a sharpshooter, but Kurt saves and beats him down. Tomko runs down and chases them away and picks Cage up and actually protects him to close the show.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-25/10/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Johnny Devine-24/1/08
TNA World Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles & Tomko-14/10/07
TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong-10/1/08

TNA AGAINST ALL ODDS
FEBRUARY 10TH, 2008
GREENVILLE, SC
BI-LO-CENTER

JB introduces a Marine band lead by BG and Bullet Bob given their history in the service.

Bad opening video.

Before the opening match, AJ cries and yells at Tomko for not choosing Kurt, but Tomko tells him they're facing a wrestling family backed by marines and he needs to get his head out of his ass and help him keep the titles.

Match#1 AJ Styles & Tomko (c) vs BG James & Bob Armstrong (TNA World Tag Team Championships)
AJ does some wonderful stooging to start and bumps around for the old man and his kid. Tomko does the same, but it's not good as Bob is blown up a minute in due to being old and all the offence looks horrid. The heels isolate him, but have to take it at a snails pace as not to kill him for real, so that's very bad. It's all chinlocks and light strikes for a while, and it's a real sign of how bad TNA has messed it all up and needs to take the steps to actually fix it. Bob gets free and tags in his kid, and BG's hot tag is also trash. AJ can at least bump around to get something out of it, and there's not much cooler than AJ Styles bumping like a freak. AJ fights back and takes out BG's knee with a wicked dropkick off the ropes, and the heels swarm him and hit the Carnage Plex to quickly beat him.
*1/2

Post match, Kip runs down to check on BG along with Bullet. BG is carried out and hopefully never returns.

In the back, Karen yells at Kurt for the last few weeks, and this story has ran its course and then some. So, it's time for a classic DONNNNNNNNNNNNN'T CARE.

Hype for Banks/Traci.

Match#2 Traci Brooks vs Payton Banks
Oh no. 5 awful minutes as it's 2008 and while TNA is making real steps to create a division, these two are your classic WWE Divas that should never wrestle because they can't. Traci wins with a bad rollup when Banks misses a charge and hits the post.
1/5*

Post match, they have a terrible fight.

Hype for case vs case.

In the back, Scott Hudson returns from the dead to interview both men. Petey talks about how great his body is and how he's the best, but Scotty cuts a classic Steiner promo about him being a pimple face and having less matches than Scotty has had world titles and women. Petey doesn't care and dubs himself the Maple Leaf Muscle to start that gimmick.

Match#3 Scott Steiner vs Petey Williams (Case vs Case)
Petey now has gross backne as he's on the juice like a proper wrestler, but he's not a good muscle guy at all. I mean he's not a good wrestler at all in 2008, but you get my point. Scotty thankfully blasts the shit out of him in between doing pushups and being amazing as always. Tons of Steinerlines and other classics, and he eats Petey up just to do it. He controls for a long time and goes to brain him with a case, but the ref stops him and it lets Petey do it to Steiner to finally fight back. Decent comeback as he keeps it simple, and Scotty bumps around as much as he's able to given his age and body. Petey goes for the CD, but a tall muscle woman makes her way to down to distract him, and Scotty fights back and hits a Last Ride of all things to win both cases.
**

Post match, Scotty poses with her as Mike works out she must be one his freaks. Gee, you think,

In the back, Kurt is very sad and demands JB fix his problems. JB says he's a ladies man with a book coming out, and he needs to listen to him. He gets Kurt to stand up and holds his hand and shows him out to flirt and show his love for a lady. JB WHISPERS SOMETHING INTO KURT'S EAR, AND KURT SLAPS HIM AND CALLS HIM A PERV. HAHHAHAHAAHH DEAD. Kurt says he needs something bigger, and JB reminds him that this Thursday is Valentines Day and he should renew his vowels on TV. JB goes in for a kiss on Kurt, and AJ walks in and is very scared given his history, and runs off.

Hype for Storm/EY, which hasn't even been mentioned on TV in weeks.

Match#4 Eric Young (c) vs James Storm w/Miss Jackie Moore (TNA WORLD DRINKING CHAMPIONSHIP)
Storm attacks on the floor and we get a goddamn fight between two fired up wrestlers on PPV as they actually care, and my goodness isn't a fucking sight to see. EY hits a sick dive to the floor and shows off all his great offence. Storm catches him with a knee to the face and hip-tosses him on the concrete and beats the crap out of him, but EY gets him back with a suplex on the concrete to mess him up as well. They fight back in the ring, and Tenay says the Abyss/Judas match is happening in the Impact Zone from the SC commission wouldn't let them do it because TNA never actually bothered to check. EY and Storm keep having a sweet back and forth taking some nutty bumps and really showing whose company this is. Tons of close falls and big bumps like EY hitting a double DVD on the heels, and Storm breaking out the Eye of the Storm for the first time in months. Jackie distracts the ref so Storm can use the bottle, BUT RHINO IS BACK FROM, WELL I CAN'T RECALL BUT HE GORES STORM TO DEATH AND EY MAKES THE PIN.
**3/4

Rhino gets the mic and says he's got a lot to say, but he's going to wait until Impact. He says he at least back to kick some ass.

Back at the Zone, Cornette puts on his big boy serious voice as he says he's never heard of such a brutal match in wrestling (Um, they had these in Memphis, WCCW and Mid-South, not to mention ECW and SMW, so what the fuck are you talking about???) Anyway, he says only the Zone could hold this one after the SC commission refused to host it because of the " very real nature of this match" YUCK. He warns everyone that has small kids or a weak stomach to not watch as skin will be ripped apart and lives will be changed.

Hype for Kong/ODB.

Match#4 Awesome Kong (c) w/Raisha Saeed vs ODB (TNA Knockouts Championship)
ODB tries to play it tough like always, but Kong smashes her because tough is bullshit when you're a fucking monster to end all monsters. She uses her fat to crush her and hurl her around, and ODB takes some fun bumps as the beating ramps up. ODB does well at fighting from underneath as she's trying to fight back and get anything going, but Kong is just too much and beats her head in. ODB does manage to catch her on top and hits a super ugly looking Powerslam for a near fall, but Kong won't die. Saeed distracts the ref (like the 50th time I’ve said that today) and Kong hits the Backfist and then the Awesome Bomb to retain.
**1/4

Hype for the NRBW Match.

Mitchell says the same trash he's been saying for a year plus.

Match#5 Abyss vs Judas Mesias w/Father James Mitchell (Barbed Wire Massacre)
TNA sucks so much they've only got enough wire to cover the top part of the ring and not all of it, so it looks cheap and nasty. Still, they throw each other right into it. and we get close ups of skin being plucked out. Sadly. they're also having a fight in between that and both men are awful, so that's as bad as you'd expect and it's a real black mark on the match. They use an obvious fake wire chair and other wire props that don't act like barbed-wire at all and just bounces off skin in the fakest way possible. They keep having a terrible match without using the wire much at all, so the entire thing getting banned by SC is even worse when it's not even 1% as violent as they feared it would be. Judas uses more fake wire to cut Abyss' arms and bites it, and he's somehow even more of a fake monster doing all of this. Like, it's just a bad career killing moment to do something this phoney. They keep doing awful things and Abyss finally hits Mitchell with the BHS to kill him off for a long while, if not forever. He then beats Judas with a shitty looking one onto a wire board.
3/4*

Post match, Mike has the balls to say that Abyss' name can now be added to a list with Cactus, Abdullah and Brody. I'm too tired and sore to go into a massive rant, but you know why that's one of the dumbest statements he could possibly make.

In the back, Roode talks a lot about how much he hates Booker T and all he represents along with his horsefaced skank wife. Whatever happens tonight won't be an accident like last time.

Hype for Booker/Roode.

In the back, Booker is going to beat a sucker up.

Match#6 Booker T vs Robert Roode w/Payton Banks
Booker finally cares again and really belts Roode around the ring, and Bobby is now bumping and selling is a new cool way as he bends his back in half on stuff and really busts his hump to show off as Booker tosses him around. Booker drops him on the rails on the outside and now Roode bounces himself all the way back to the ground in a truly kick ass one. This feels like a classic coming out party for a now great wrestler, and it's awesome to see it happen. Peyton distracts Booker for Roode to cheap shot him to take over, and he puts forth a fun control seg of super well done basics and some shit talk as well. Booker comes back and they move into a nice little back and forth finishing run before they fight to a double countout as they brawl in to the carpark.
**1/2

Post match, they beat the shit out of each other until Roode escapes in a car again.

In the back, Kurt tells Karen about the wedding stuff, and she's happy now. AJ pulls his crown off and runs off like a little bitch as he's the worst booked wrestler in the company at the moment.

Hype for the 6 man.

Match#7 Johnny Devine (c) & Team 3D vs Jay Lethal & The Motor City Machine Guns (X-Division Championship & Weight Limits vs Retirement of X-Division. Hardcore Street Fight)
This is a big old plunda fight in the best way as they waste no time breaking out the toys and smacking the heck out of one another in the best and coolest ways they can think of. Sign shots, canes, trash cans are all used. The Guns hit sweet tandem dives and put these old men to task and look amazing as hell, but sadly they're in the doghouse for reusing to blade on PPV, so they get knocked out by 3D's and are dead for the rest of the match. I made a coward joke before, but like it's wrestling and a massive blowoff, just run the blade for one night. Lethal fights these assholes by himself and looks like a true main event type babyface as he refuses to die even once. Bubba drags in Val and tires to kiss her, but Lethal saves and beats the fat fucks head in. Lethal fights them more and more and kicks out of big bombs in one of the best one man shows you could find. He gets Devine alone and puts him through a table with an elbow to win his title back.
**3/4

Post match, Bubba refuses to give the title back, so Lethal dives on him and gets it back. He celebrates with Dutt and Val.

Hype for the main event.

In the back, Christian talks about how he hates Joe, but he just wants him to come down there and do his job and get his title shot that he's had coming for a long time. Just not tonight as it's HIS night and it belongs to him and all the peeps as he becomes the champ for a third time.

Match#8 Kurt Angle (c) w/Karen Angle vs Christian Cage (TNA World Heavyweight Championship-Samoa Joe is the guest enforcer)
Kurt decides he wants to go on the mat to start and it's good because Cage actually brings out the best in him in terms of how mean and tight everything is, and how well Cage sells his ass off to try and get away from him. Good as hell battle for a few minutes from that with some stellar exchanges and little break in control. Cage sends Kurt o the floor and hits his sweet tadpole splash off the top to drop him onto the concrete head and neck first, AND THEN KURT NO SELLS AND SWEEPS CAGE OFF THE TOP ROPE TO DROP HIM ON HIS HEAD TO TAKE OVER. Goddamn it, dude. Kurt does Kurt things and it's fine and whatever, but it works all thanks to Cage killing himself on every single bump and piece of offence he takes. Kurt of course hits a fucking Angle Slam into the post because new ideas are evil, but it was at least sick looking as Cage bent himself backwards on it. Cage takes more and more and then breaks out a insane German to send Kurt on his head and face. We move into a back and forth with more stupid bumps, and the same boring counters and finisher kickouts you always see as Kurt is a void for anything new or different, which means that Cage is sucked into it as no one can ever say "NO KURT, THIS IS DUMB AND LAME" The bullshit hits as the ref is knocked down AJ runs down and fights Joe, and then Tomko comes down to do the obvious swerve as he hits Cage with the TKO Bomb and helps Kurt beat him. Very funny that this means that Tomko's finisher is now stronger than anyone else's in the main event scene.
*1/4

Awful show that perfectly sums up how far TNA has fallen in the last year plus.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-25/10/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Jay Lethal-10/2/08
TNA World Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles & Tomko-14/10/07
TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong-10/1/08

TNA Impact
February 14th, 2008
Impact Zone

"TILL DEATH DO US PART"

JB arrives in a limo with Kurt and a kid as he yells at the kid to not wreck the dress for the wedding. EY runs on and freaks out about fighting KILLER BACKWARDS, but Karen tells him to piss of because she's busy with her maid of honour JB.

TONIGHT; KONG VS ODB IN A STREET FIGHT. STEINER VS ABYSS. EY VS KILLER BACKWARDS. THE ANGLES RENEW VOWELS.

In the ring, Corny brings Joe out to finally sign his new contract to TNA after weeks of missteps and mishaps (Yeah, which were all your fault, you dumb cuck). Jim sucks up and offers his back to use to sign the contract, but now Cage interrupts as his music hits as he marches down to the ring. He yells at Joe for sucking at his job at the PPV for not making sure it was a secure fight, and now Tomko has made the biggest mistake of his life by screwing him over. He calms down and says he's not actually blaming Joe, but he wants his help to make this right. He says they'll never be friends and he's well aware of it, but he wants him as his parter to fight AJ and Tomko tonight. Joe puts his hand on his shoulder and tells him his title chase is over as his new contract says he's next. In saying that, maybe he didn't do the best job and he's been too busy for too long and it's been a while since he had a good fight. He's ready to take them on tonight, and they shake hands. Cage leaves as Jim tells Joe that TNA business is more important than personal, and he needs to think about it. Joe tells him to fuck off and says he's dealing with the personal first. He pats him on the cheek and leaves.

In the back, Tomko says Cage has been on his back for 5 years getting in his ear, and he doesn't need him anymore. It was cute when he got involved in his match match against Angle (YOU WON?????) and now he's going to kick his ass. He leaves to go and talk to Angle.

In the back, AJ is sulking on a couch about everything and he gets sadder he realises the vowels will happen. Kurt walks on and stands over him before telling him he's his best man and he needs to get ready. Kurt leaves, and AJ jumps up and screams HE'S MARRYING MY WOMAN AND I'M NOT WEARING A DAMN SUIT. YEAH.

3D come out for what's meant to be a tag match against Curry and Sharky, but they have to weigh in and Bubba is too fat and can't compete. D-Von is now forced into a handicap match because of it.

Match#1 Curry Man & Shark Boy vs Brother D-Von w/Brother Ray & Johnny Devine
The faces beat up the big man with some fun comedy spots, and D-Von sort of bumps and sells as he best he cares to do his job. He fights back and beats up Sharky with some lazy work that stinks the place up, and i guess we can finally say it's time for Bully Ray to do his thing. Curry has a spicy hot tag before things break down and Bubba uses the scales to smack Curry over the head to give his brother the win.
1/2*

In the car park, Booker is waiting for Roode to show up.

KILLER SPET BACKWARDS HYPE VIDEO.

Recap of the awful Abyss/Judas match.

Scotty comes out with his freak for his match with the big dope. Abyss walks down the ramp but stops to look his messed up arms and seems to be in a bad state, and DW says there is blood seeping through his bandages and he sees how bad this must be making him feel. DW is God as always. Abyss won't or can't get in the ring, and he walks off and takes his mask off and walks back into the tunnel. Good, never come back.

Steiner gets the mic and says he can COMMAND title shots and we're doing things HOW BIG POPPA PUMP DOES IT. He introduces his freak as Rhaka Khan, and if you mess with him you mess with her. He issues an open challenge, and that shit Petey answers it. Great work, Abyss.

Match#2 Scott Steiner vs Rhaka Khan vs Petey Willams
Petey tries to be a tough guy again and gets his ass handed to him, and this is pretty much the same middle as the PPV match where Scotty just eats him alive. I would be bothered if Petey was anyone else, but he's not so whatever. Petey fights back and sucks a ton at everything, and Khan thankfully crotches him so Scotty can break out an Angle Slam off the top to win.
1/7*

Post match, Steiner helps him up and seems to give him a nod of respect.

In the back, Tomko tells Kurt there is strength in numbers, and he's willing to help Kurt. He will not be his BITCH as he does what he wants at all times. Kurt is happy about this, and invites him to the wedding. Tomko laughs at him and leaves.

in the back, someone has knocked Cage out cold.

In the back, Karen and JB are happy about the wedding. EY comes in again afraid his brain is about to be eaten, and they again tell him to fuck off and die.

Joe comes out to face the champs by himself, but then he brings out Nash as his partner.

Match#3 AJ Styles & Tomko vs Samoa Joe & Kevin Nash
Kev is wearing a shirt and jean because lazy sexy is in, but he at least gets involved in a big fight with the champs as they beat the piss out of them. The champs bump big and finally get to work with good wrestlers again, so this rocks a lot. AJ takes an insane back drop over the ropes to land on Tomko, but we come back from break to the heels quickly taking over and isolating Joe. Great beating on him with AJ leading the charge with gross shots to the skull, and Joe selling his ass off. Nash gets in when he's seen enough and cleans house in great form. Kurt sneaks in and punches Joe in the face, and Tomko hits the TKO bomb to pin him. Damn it.
**

On one hand this means Joe is finally getting his world title, on the other it means another Kurt match. Fuck it, take the good with the bad.

In the back, Joe calls this a war and says he's going with a new army. He's next in line and he's hunting Kurt right now. He knows he's never getting him one on one until he kills the Alliance, so he wants a match at DX with him, Nash and Cage vs them.

Match#4 Eric Young vs Rellik
Terrible backwards Killer showcase. Killer backwards man wins with a lariat.
Poo[p1/5*)

In the back one of those NASCAR fucks talks about driving fast in circles and how it's just like wrestling. LAX and the Guns are forced to talk about this, and hey this all stinks.

In the back, Booker is still waiting.

A NASCAR fuck joins commentary to talk about a NASCAR fuck race.

Rock N Rave come out as Christy is now singing very badly.

Match#5 Homicide vs Chris Sabin vs Jimmy Rave
All the seconds are there along with a NASCAR fuck. This is all of 2 minutes of fine spots as they're not bothering to do anything else, so hey go nuts if you must. It's almost fun, but the length and some bullshit hampers it too much sadly. Ci beats Rave with a botched rollup.
1/4*

Recap of Rhino's return.

Rhino runs down and says Storm made him relapse and screw it all up, but he's back on his own two feet now. He asks if Storm is a man with balls because he's back to kick some ass and balls. He demands Storm fight him at DX in a fucking Elevation X match. OH NO.

Kong higlight video.

Match#6 Awesome Kong vs ODB (Street Fight)
Quick nothing murder of ODB. Kong wins with the Bomb
1/5*

Post match, Gail returns to save ODB, but she shoves her and they have a bad pull apart.

In the car park, Booker is still waiting. Corny walks over and tells him to calm down as he facing Kurt Angle next week. Ewwwww

The wedding happens and AJ comes out in a bad suit ton show he's not happy about Kurt stealing his woman. JB is the maid of honour in a classic dumb bit that i can't help but laugh at. Kurt makes the priest list all his world titles and medals and refuses to let Karen say "I Do" and then the priest asks if anyone has an objection, and Joe and Nash come out to object. Joe says he wanted to jump him in the back with baseball bats, but they decided to save him from making a second mistake with this cheap dime store whore. They run down and brawl, and AJ gets knocked into Karen and knocks her out cold, and the priest is knocked down as well. Kurt gets stripped and beaten, AND THE PRIEST GETS UP AND MARRIES KAREN AND AJ BY MISTAKE, AND AJ KISSES HER AND SHOUTS THAT HE FINALLY GOT HER. KURT LOSES IT TO CLOSE THE SHOW. YEAH WRESTLING

https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https://i.redd.it/ikrtodsg3rrz.gif

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-25/10/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Jay Lethal-10/2/08
TNA World Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles & Tomko-14/10/07
TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong-10/1/08

TNA Impact
February 21st, 2008
Impact Zone

"ALLIGATOR HONEYMOON"

In the back, Kurt screams at Karen that this is not funny and he doesn't appreciate her kissing AJ. She's had a week to fix this and hasn't, so she's got until today to do it. Karen calls him jealous, and he blows her off and says that's not the case as everyone has been jealous of him since he was a kid. JB tries to calm him down, but he threatens to knock him out if doesn't shut up. Karen screams that it's always about him and asks when does it stop, and Kurt says when he's done being the best so she can take her drama to her other husband! She says she'll do just that, and storms off.

Tonight; Kurt vs Booker. Gail & ODB team up. Rhino speaks.

Match#1 AJ Styles & Tomko (c) vs Kip James & Bob Armstrong w/BG James (TNA World Tag Team Championships)
BG is on crutches (like me) after AJ took his knee out with that sick springboard dropkick at the PPV, so Kip is taking his place. AJ is again forced to bump around for the old man and does FAR too good of a job of it because he doesn't know how to dog it. Kip gets in and sucks shit as no sells a Pele and does all he can to make himself look strong like it's 99 and he hasn't been buried under the earth yet. Bob gets back in and is even worse now that he's tired, and the boys are forced to bump around again. Karen comes down to distract the ref, and Kip gets the crutch and knocks the old fucker out and lets Tomko make the pin.
1/6*

Post match, Kip kicks out BG's knee and hits him with the crutch as well.

TNA immediately cuts away to a ODB/Kim "can they get along" interview. Love this company so much.

AJ and Karen are now interviewed, and AJ says he got caught up in the moment and someone needed to kiss her. Karen says they're married now, and AJ freaks out as he's very dumb and didn't realise. He asks if Kurt knows or if this is even legal. Karen tells him to worry about the honeymoon, and AJ is very scared as he had nothing planned but he suddenly thinks of a perfect place and runs off to make a call.

In the back, Kip says he got rid of a bag of shit and Bob was a causality of war, and nothing more. Everyone knows he hates everyone and everything, but he and BG were like brothers beyond no other. But he chose to throw it all away and he knows he's coming for him, and he better bring it on because he's going to need it. This is now the worst feud in the company and it's not 5 minutes old. LOVE TNA.

In the ring, Corny has Dutt, Morgan and the Guns standing by as he introduces Jay Lethal for a big moment for the kid. Jim says they're doing this because of how special Jay has been since he debuted and he's triumphed time and time again, so he deserves this. Jay says he's got his smile back and that's because of his friends and fans who have helped him get here. He asks Val to come in to the ring as he thanks her for his heart, and then asks if she'll go out wit him. She happily accepts!! Everyone is happy except that little bitch Sonjay.

In the back, EY begs Kaz not to fight KILLER BACKWARDS, but Kaz is cool and brave and he's going to fight.

In Corny's office, Joe is sitting there as Jim gases him up about how amazing he is. He begs him to sign the contract, but Joe says he's realised this is not about money, it's about his fair title shot that he has coming. He wants a 6 man at DX to make sure it's finally fair for when he meets Kurt at Lockdown!!!! He says he'll sign if he beats Kurt, otherwise there's no point in him being here at all.

Match#2 Kaz vs Rellik
EWWWWWWW BROTHER. Awful pro wrestling in all aspects of this thing we love. Shots are botched or miss by a mile, and everything else is slow and awful as they move around at a snails pace. Kaz wins with a TERRIBLE version of the Bret/Piper finish.
1/7*

Black Reign now comes out and helps Backwards Killer beat this fucking nerd up. EY comes down to save, but he's scared and can't do it.

In the back, Booker says to expect the unexpected as he once won the WCW TV title because Martel forgot his boots (Well no actually, he broke his leg very famously. So, why lie???) and he's ready for another fight with Kurt Angle. He says Roode will be here next week, and he's going to get suspended like a sucker. He'll get his soon, but tonight is on like napalm.

They air a video on that big moron Abyss.

Match#3 Sonjay Dutt vs Petey Willams vs Johnny Devine (#1 Contenders Match)
TNA 2008 is maybe the worst in ring year i've found thus far. There is NOTHING good being booked in ring as everyone good is busy with bullshit, and it leaves complete shitters the chance to stink the place up. Very bad and lame for a few minutes as it's a classic bad spot match for 3 minutes and change. Steiner and Khan walk down and hit Devine and Dutt with the cases, and Petey beats Devine to earn a title shot. FUCK ME.
187*

Post match, Steiner shakes the morons hand.

We find ourselves at a restaurant where JB is filming AJ and Karen. AJ brings out some cheap candles and burns his hand on them. He gives her some fake flowers as they'll last forever. SKY'S THE LIMIT BABY. He also gives her a snow globe that he had as a kid when he prayed for snow and his grandma called him an idiot and gave him the globe. AJ gets her some chips and gravy.

In a pre-tape, Rhino says nothing new after last week. Really can't stand him at this point, and it's only going to get worse.

In the back, Sharky translates for Curry until he says he can't understand him and he needs to whip some ass or he's kicking his.

3D come out for another weigh in, and Bubba actually makes it this time. D-Von misses because of food and roids, so Bubba flips out and cals him a fat bastard that eats too many twinkies, and DW calls him a guru for nutrition.

Match#4 Brother Ray w/ Brother D-Von vs Shark Boy & Curry Man
Another bad comedy match for a few minutes as Bubba is now the fool for the fellas, and it's whatever as not even this can make smile after this terrible ass episode. The bullshit hits and Bubba breaks the scales over Sharky's head this week to win.
Fuck You

In the back, Kurt says he doesn't care what Karen and AJ are doing as it's all about him. He's in a bad mood and he's breaking Booker's ankles, and then it's on to the three stooges at DX.

We find that AJ has taken Karen to a Gator place where they can have some gator nuggets and see real life gators like they had when he was a kid. He walks into a pit and stirs a few and talks about gators and whatnot, and it's maybe the best use of AJ in this bullshit in months and months.

Match#5 Gail Kim & ODB vs Roxxi & Miss Jackie Moore
Ah damn it, this actually gets 8 minutes as TNA finally works out time is good sometimes. However, Jackie and Roxxi are both awful as hell, and we're doing the can they along bit with the faces, so it's not good at all and just serves to make me more upset in the theme of the night. The faces finally fight, and it allows Roxxi to hit a Pumphandle on Gail to steal one.
1/*7(89080890u8-908-0-9=09u88790768976589765789

Post match, Kim and ODB beat the shit out of each other in the only good thing to happen tonight.

in the back, Joe, Nash and Cage are here. Christian says AJ hit him with a chair and he doesn't remember much else. Kev called him about a 6 man, and he said yes before Kev could ask him to join. AJ and Tomko were his family and he cared for them, but they betrayed him because they could never be as good as him and that's why. The table is set and they have 3 guys who don't like each other or will be friends, but this unlikely alliance ends the Angle Alliance.

We now go to a hotel hallway where AJ is talking about how freaking awesome nuggets are, and Karen seems happy. AJ opens the door and runs in, but comes back and says if she was his wife every day would be a honeymoon. He kisses her on the cheek as he's flustered now. He leaves as Karen is now blushing and is also flustered

Match#6 Kurt Angle vs Booker T
Been years and years since i saw the 2005 series, but i'm sure it was a lot better than what this is going to be. Normal fine wrestling opening as Kurt is now prone to doing before his brain damage kicks in, and Booker cares as it's a main event against a WWE guy that he actually respects and will do things for.. Anyway, they have a fight and its good, and then Kurt takes over and that's less good as he's Kurt and can't help but do the same suplex/leg work combo in between the same lame fucking counters he always does. He's truly one of the worst wrestlers in the world at this point, but because he can and will be carried by far better men in the next few months, that part gets forgotten about when it absolutely shouldn't. The finishing run is fine enough thanks to Booker still caring, and Kurt actually playing along for once. Roode shows up to fight Booker, and Kurt sneaks in ONE Angle Slam to win. Restraint, i'll be damned.
3/4*

Roode goes on the attack, but Cage runs down and evens it up for a brawl. The others all get involved (except AJ) and the faces clean house and Nash challenges Kurt to a match next week.

'OH MY GOD. NASH VS ANGLE. NASH VS ANGLE. YOU'VE GOT TO BE HERE NEXT WEEK"-Don West.

A new contender for the worst episode of Impact yet. Can't wait to see how much worse this is going to get.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-25/10/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Jay Lethal-10/2/08
TNA World Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles & Tomko-14/10/07
TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong-10/1/08

TNA Impact
February 28th, 2008
Impact Zone

"TAKE MY WIFE...PLEASE"

In the back, Kurt is doing squats as JB counts it for him, and then Karen walks in for more domestic bliss. They go back and forth about how they hate each other and can live apart, and Kurt finally kicks her out so he can focus on his match.

Booker T comes out to complain about how being backjumped and all the underhanded things in TNA, and he wants Roode to come out here and face him like a man. He wants him to take an ass whooping like a man. Peyton Banks comes out instead and slaps him to send a message. Traci now comes down for a bad catfight.

We find 3D going out for good as Devine eats nothing but junk good because he's already in good shape. Bubba loses his mind as D-Von also eats like shit, and it's one of those very funny Bubba comedy moments that work in spite of who he is.

In the back, Petey thanks Scotty for helping him last week. Scotty AMDITS that it was a issue on Petey's side and he needs to shut up and do what he says. His eyes are on Petey and Gandhi, or whatever that guys name is. Scotty is the best.

Match#1 Scotty Steiner & Petey Willams w/Rhakka Khan vs Sonjay Dutt & Jay Lethal
TNA finally gets a good opener again thanks to the faces being game for anything and everything, and Scotty being an all time freak. The faces have a fun run ending with a tandem dive, and then we come back to the heels beating the shit out of Jay with Scotty leading the charge. Really fun control work for the time it gets as its just nice ass pro wrestling from a company where that seems to be wrong. Petey is good in this role as he just keeps it basic and simple. Dutt has a fun hot tag with some cool dives and rannas before it breaks down as it tends to. Petey shoves Jay off the ropes into the rails throat first to take him out. and Scotty hits Dutt with the case to send him into the CD for the win.
**1/4

We go back to 3D being forced to not eat cookies and brownies from a nearby show. they slap each other in the head to stop themselves.

In the back, EY is still scared, so Kaz shows him photos of classic horror monsters to show him they aren't real and he doesn't need to be afraid. Kaz tries to tell him Reign and Rellik are alter egos and even EY has one of those. Kaz leaves and EY is still scared and confused. Kaz is a bad friend, i think.

3D are now in an alley way and have to use a password "Testify" to get past to eat some BBQ. D-Von goes for the ribs, but Bubba gets him to stop because of the diet despite spending $500 a week there. D-Von leaves very sadly, and Bubba tells the chef he's fat and needs to lose weight.

3D now come out to the ring for another weigh in and D-Von fails it, and Bubba is really upset but says he'll save the team. He weighs in next, but also fails because he's a big old boy. They strip down to their undies where we see Bubba has Looney Tunes ones. They fail again and Hebner finally kicks them out of the ring.

in the back, Karen is sad and stuff, so AJ consoles her like a nice husband.

In the ring, Sharky and Curry are still there and ask for an open challenge, and Killer Backwards and Fat Reign accept.

Match#2 Shark Boy & Curry Man vs Rellik & Black Reign
Awful 2 minutes of bad monster work and the comedy guys not being able to do much at all to save it. 3D get involved along with Kaz. Kaz gets a nightstick and hits Reign in the face, and then Sharky follows with a Stunner to win.
1/2*

Post match everyone fights, and EY shows up to help but he gets scared and leaves. The heels put Kaz through a table.

In the back, Roode shows up and says the running stops as the legend of Booker burns.

VKM recap. Yep, worst feud in the world.

At the booth, DW and Mike announce "Rough Cuts" which is a 24hr camera crew following wrestlers around.

Roode and Banks come out to the ring. He says all the running is done and he wants Booker man to man right now, so he can meet the fist with his skanky wife's blood on it. Yeah, get em. Booker comes down for a big fight with tons of anger and hate and all the good stuff. Roode gets handcuffs and cuffs Booker to the ropes and tries to hit him with his belt, but Traci makes the save. The heels double team her and choke her out with the belt, and they cuff her as well. The heels whip them with belts. Good angle.

Elevation X hype.

In the back, Storm yells at Jackie for making a ladder match with EY when he's drunk. RUSSSSSSSSSSSO. Jackie says she's trying to him overcome his fear of his heights, and Storm says he's been jumping off stuff for years and he has a messed up equal x thing!!!! Jackie says EY is afraid of monsters like he's scared of heights. James says she's not the one whose gotta fall off the damn thing. Jackie says to take it like AA with one day at a time, and Storm calls her a bitch and leaves.

Match#3 Eric Young (c) vs James Storm w/Miss Jackie Moore (TNA WORLD DRINKING CHAMPIONSHIP-Ladder Match)
They get right to it with a killer, killer brawl using the ladder to brain each other, and it's the best thing we've had on TV in a long time. Storm moves with the ladder as he kills EY with some nasty shots to the face and ribs, including kicking a ladder right into EY's side in a real nasty moment. Storm stays in control and further destroys poor EY with a Superkick to send him back first onto a ladder. Storm is scared to climb, so Jackie has to help him by climbing up and taking it down and giving it to him so he can win.
**1/2

Post match, Rhino runs down and Gores him and steals the title like a real party pooper.

In the back, Kurt is mad at AJ for smoochng his wife, and AJ plays it off like its not a big deal. They argue about Karen being sad, and Kurt says she cries all the time like all women and she's a crybaby. AJ gets mad and tells him to treat her with respect, but Kurt calls her a bitch and tells him this is over. AJ tells him to take it back, and Kurt calls him a kid and tells him to be ready to help him against Nash tonight.

In the back, Roxxi tells Love that she will be badly hurt. Tenay chimes in and says she predicted VKM's case would lead to trouble, so she's a psychic now.

Match#4 Awesome Kong w/Raisha Saeed vs Angelina Love w/Velvet Sky
Kong finally gets another showcase match after weeks of nothing. She trucks her with shots and eats right trough her as she damn well should, snd it's just a very nice time from an actual good episode of TNA. Kong kills her with the Jay Driller and then the Awesome Bomb to win.
**1/2

ODB comes out and talks some bad shit as she can't actually talk at all. Kim jumps Kong from behind, but gets killed until ODB helps her out. Kong takes her head off with a gross lariat, but Kim makes the save now and they team up and to knock her out of the ring. Kim and ODB now fight until Blackshirts get them apart.

Match#5 Kurt Angle w/Angle Alliance vs Kevin Nash w/Unlikely Alliance
Props to TNA for actually running a new match instead of the bad ones we've sat through a dozen or so times. Nash is still Nash, but new is good in the case of 2008 TNA and Kurt Angle. Kurt tries his normal bullshit, but Kev is far too big for any of it to work and kicks Kurt's ass with some wicked elbows and knees to the body. He pinballs Kurt all over, and Angle bumps around big. All the seconds brawl at ringside, so Hebner boots them all out for it. We come back to Nash missing a boot and catching his knee on the ropes, and Kurt smells blood and rips to pieces in the best stuff he's done all year. Brutal and focused on his end, and Kev sells it really well. Kurt wreaks him with a grapvine knee bar for a few minutes, and Kev fights like hell to get free from it but he just can't do it. Kurt finally lets it go, but Kev catches him with a chokeslam and beats his ass with one leg in a frantic comeback, and Kurt once again dies on everything. Nash goes for the powerbomb, but Kurt counters into the Angle Lock! Kev fights and fights and manages to get out and sends Kurt to the floor to hurt his head. Karen comes out now and tries to help, BUT KURT SHOVES HER ON THE GROUND. OH FUCK. He gets back in and fights Kev as JB and AJ check on her. Hebner goes to help her like a moron, and he misses Nash having it won after a Powerbomb. Kev gets up to argue with Habner, but Kurt slips in a low blow and a Angle Slam (ONE) to win.
**3/4

AJ picks his wife up and carries her to the back as Kurt celebrates his big win.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-25/10/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Jay Lethal-10/2/08
TNA World Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles & Tomko-14/10/07
TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong-10/1/08

TNA Impact
March 6th, 2008
Impact Zone

'FIGHTING FOR THE EDGE"

Not sure if they mean Edge from WWE, or the one from U2. Either one sounds wild, so lets find out

In the back, Angle hypes up his dudes as he says all they to do is win and they get the man advantage. GODDAMN IT RUSSO, YOU CAN'T JUST HAVE WRESTLERS SAY SHT WITH NO CONTEXT OR BUILD, YOU MORON. AJ is too busy thinking about Karen, so Kurt yells at him for calling his wife. AJ says she's married to both of them, and Kurt yells at him to shut up and take the crown off. He demands AJ take out Nash's knees in their street fight, and that Tomko make Joe bleed in a first blood match as Samoan's love to bleed. Kurt then says he's facing Cage in a Six Sides of Steele. I, Uh, fucking hell.

In the ring, Corny and his moron son are there, and he runs down card for DX and tonight. He explains the three matches tonight must have a winner as whichever team wins will have the advantage. He never explains what that means, so i'm still confused and mad. He brings out Booker T as that's what we need right now, a lazy WWE guy whose here until they call him again. Anywhoo, Cornette books a strap match between him and Roode for DX with their ladies getting to whip each other post match based on who wins. Roode comes out and rants about this as he's a man of honour and would never hurt a woman, so Booker needs to be a man and fight his own battles. They brawl again and have a pull apart.

In the back, Chrystal is with Joe and Cage and she explains that whoever loses will start shorthanded at the PPV. Hey, that's almost an explanation. They run down their respective matches and do a fine job of making us care about some classic Russo nonsense. Nash ends it by doing a Hogan impression "WHAT ARE GOING TO DO WHEN KEVIN NASH AND HIS SURGICALLY REPAIRED KNEES COME DOWN ON YOUUUUUUUUU"

Match#1 AJ Styles vs Kevin Nash (Street Fight)
Mike finally does his job as he says the winners will have 5 minutes of 3 on 2 to do as much damage as possible before the third man shows up. See, how easy how that was. Kev is limping really bad, so AJ goes for the legs but gets killed by some great Nash punches and fun brawling. They fight in the crowd and AJ takes more wild bumps against the wall and steps as Nash reigns down a beating and then some. We come back to AJ in control with his punches, and we see he hit the Forearm off the balcony to take over. Nash peppers in big moves for AJ to kill himself off of, but his knee stops him from being able to regain complete control. In saying that, he manages to catch AJ coming off the top with a Chokeslam to pull the win out.
**

In the back, Dustin Fat Reign smells Chrystal and talks about how EY is scared and he should be. He's a movie bought to life, and Kaz will die after touching Misty. I WILL EAT YOUR FACE OFF.

In the back, Chrystal asks Jay and Val when the date is, and he says when business is done. He'll play cupid and get freaky with it when the time is right. Val says she heard next week and she can't wait.

In the back, Banks and Brooks have a bad fight.

In the back, EY is still afraid because of what Reign said before. JB tells him to go hard and fight from within, and EY is dumb and doesn't understand what he's meant to do. JB brings up the alter ego and tells him it's inside and he needs to find it.

3D are meant to be in a battle royal, but they're fat and fail once more. Bubba says it's because muscle weighs more than fat.

Match#2 Battle Royal (Winner Picks Stipulation For DX)
Curry Man, Alex Shelley, Black Reign, Chris Sabin, Eric Young, Hernandez, Homicide, Jay Lethal, Jimmy Rave, Lance Hoyy, Petey William, Rellik & Shark Boy are all in this. Mike explains the winner can pick a stip for a match at DX, even though not many of them are booked on the show. This is 6 minutes and not good as all the good wrestlers get thrown out first or the camera focuses on the bad ones. The Guns are dumped like losers as they're still in the dog house, and it's going to be a long time before they bounce back. LAX are also treated like nerds for reasons i don't even know, so fuck this. Curry ends up winning after dumping Rave and Backwards Killer Guy
1/3*

Post match, Sharky translates and demands a FISH MARKET STREET FIGHT against 3D at DX.

In the back, Love and Skye are now friends thanks to Roxxi predicting things. They say sorry to Roxxi for not listening last week, and offer a makeover next week as they're Beautiful People. YEAH.

Match#3 Samoa Joe vs Tomko (First Blood)
FBM suck as a rule, so these two turn into a fight between big motherfuckers trying to rip flesh open, and its WAY better as a result. They fight over a hammer and Joe smokes him with a gross drop-toe-hold to the apron and bashes his head in. Tomko comes back and hurls Joe to the floor and ramp like it's nothing for him. and it's another reason Tomko rocks. They keep running and smashing each other, and it sucks these two didn't get the street fight. Joe sends Tomko head first into a chair and then kicks it into his face, but Tomko somehow doesn't bleed. TOMKO GETS BACK UP AND HITS JOE WITH A CHAIR BUT JOE GETS HIS ARM UP. JOE KICKS HIS ASS AND LOCKS IN THE CHOKE BUT THE REF CALLS IT A WIN FOR TOMKO AS JOE'S ARM IS CUT OPEN. Awesome Dusty finish.
**1/4

We see our first rough cut for VKM. They recount the history we've heard a billion times, so it's a waste of time.

Speaking of wastes of time, Mitchell and Judas are back with JB. They talk about Abyss being a coward and promise more blood and pain. Judas is thankfully gone soon along with Mitchell, so no more of this garbage for much longer.

Rhino comes out for his match and smashes Storm's drinking title against a post to show what he's going to do to Storm at DX.

Match#4 Rhino vs Judas Mesias w/Father James Mitchell
Three very, and i mean VERY ugly minutes of bad fighting and wrestling from a sort of cooked Rhino and a complete bum in Judas. Rhino beats this guy with the Gore as the push and story is finally dead.
1/2*

Storm sneaks in and kills Rhino with the Superkick and beats him up until the camera cuts away.

In the back, Saaeed reads a note from Kong stating she is going to destroy swine and tramps that committed acts of war against her, and now they must feel her wrath. LAX walk on and make a bedsheet comment as they try to take her burka off, but Kong stops them and goes face to face with Hernandez until refs get them apart. Russo, just don't.

Match#5 Awesome Kong vs Saalinas
Good 90 second showcase for Kong as is hopefully now the norm. She wins with the Awesome Bomb.
*1/2

In the back, Chrystal interviews Kim and ODB. They say nothing new other than they can totally take Kong on. Yeah, good luck with that.

Match#6 Christian Cage vs Kurt Angle (Six Sides Of Steel-Winner gets man advantage at DX)
KURT DOES MAT WRESTLING IN A CAGE MATCH. I HATE YOU A LOT MAN. Also, Christian is a moron for allowing this to happen yet again, and i'm starting to dislike him for as long as he's near this dopey bastard. Kurt finally does something cool when he Powerbmbs Cage into the cage, and then it settles back into some fine but not all that exciting back and forth as neither is killing themselves. It also strikes me as very silly that TNA is running a cage match two months outside of Lockdown, but TNA is very silly after all. Cage at least slams his face into the cage off a missed spear. They both climb up and Kurt hits the SUPER Angle Slam and nearly kills them both in a feel good moment of 2008. Kurt doesn't really sell it as he goes to walk out, so Cage also no sells and stops him. Ugh. They both fight some more where they end up on the other side of the cage where Kurt locks in the Angle lock for a cool moment, and even more so when Cage flips out of it and sends Kurt down to the mat face first. They spend a lot of time fighting to get out the door and over the wall, and it's not paced or done well at all. They fight once again on the wall and they fall out at the same time, and bad ref Habner calls it for Cage. Awful match.
1/2*

Post match, the heels come out and lock Cage inside and lay him out as the faces can't get inside.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-25/10/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Jay Lethal-10/2/08
TNA World Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles & Tomko-14/10/07
TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong-10/1/08

TNA DESTINATION X
MARCH 9TH, 2008
NOFOLK, VA
THE NORFOLK SCOPE

Kurt and the boys arrive with JB as Kurt says Jim has seen all the footage and is going to reverse it and give him the win. AJ is once again distracted by Karen not being there, so Kurt yells at him to get serious and worry about the match.

Match#1 LAX w/Salinas vs Rock N Rave Infection w/Christy Hemme vs The Motor City Machine Guns (#1 Contenders Match)
Nice to see TNA give us a great on paper PPV opener again, and one that also reminds us that tag titles are real and can be held and fought for by actual talented wrestlers. Opening rocks as its all Guns/LAX going as fast and wild as they can in some truly smooth exchanges. Hernandez gets in AND DEADLIFTS HOYT FOR 30 SECONDS IN A SUPLEX WHILE CI HITS A GROSS SENTON TO CRUSH RAVE AS HE'S BEEN HELD BY THE GUNS. HERNANDEZ ISN'T DONE AS HE KILLS EVERYONE WITH HIS BIG DIVE. HELL YEAH. They keep doing cool stuff and not waisting a second to breath, and its a true blast. They keep going insane as more crazy stuff happens, and Ci takes everyone out with his Tope, and then Hernandez kills Rave dead with the Border Toss to finally get a tag shot after a year.
***

In the back, JB is outside of Corny's office waiting to here his ruling over who has the advantage. JB asks the fans to vote on who they think won. It's clear from the footage that Kurt landed first, but TNA isn't going to do it the easy or smart way.

Hype for Jay/Petey.

Match#2 Jay Lethal (c) vs Petey Williams w/Rhakka Khan (TNA X-Division Championship)
Jay guides the maple leaf goof through some decent work on the mat before it turns into a not so good work. Khan trips Jay to let MLG take over, and it's a very boring piece of work from him as he just sucks the life out of everything by doing nothing cool or fun, and it leaves Jay drowning as he can't do a lot to save this trash. The finishing run is also putrid as it's a bad big move kickout nonsense that's in no way earned by the stuff that came before it. Bullshit hits as Khan goes after Val, which makes Dutt save her. Back in in the ring, Jay wins with a cradle. Yuck
1/6*

Post match, Dutt gets in the middle of Jay and Val and makes it all about him.

In the back, the face team say they don't care about what Jim decided as they're going to kick ass and take names. Joe says he's beating Kurt in the cage and taking his title finally. Cage and Nash don't care about who gets left out as they just want to fight. Nash says he's keeping his promise to Joe about making sure he gets his rightful title shot.

Hype for Monsters vs Dorks.

Match#3 Eric Young & Kaz vs Black Reign & Rellik
TEN MINUTES. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH NO. EY transforms into Super Eric to overcome his fears and beat these dweebs.
LOLTNA

In the office, Jim actually screws the heels over by saying the faces have the advantage and then leaves before fixing his fuck up. He runs into 3D who also yell at him for being the worst GM ever by letting people pick stips. He could hit by a tuna or any kind of fish, and he should be drug tested. Jim again refuses to do anything to help and just leaves. What a cunt.

Hype for the KO match.

Match#4 Awesome Kong (c) w/Raisha Saeed vs Gail Kim vs ODB (TNA Knockouts Championship)
Hell yeah, a real match. The faces try to work together and do ok at at least knocking her backwards, but Kong is a force and keeps coming back no matter what they try. She gets hit with dives and double suplexes, and in between the other two have a fun little match where ODB looks a lot better than ever thanks to Gail giving her a lot of help. KIM AND KONG FIGHT AGAIN AND IT;S SO AWESOME AS KONG SMACKS HER IN THE FACE, AND KIM REFUSES TO DIE AND GIVES IT RIGHT BACK TO HER. ODB gets back in and they smash and bash each other, but no one can really move ahead long enough to win. Kong fights once more and kills Gail with a frog splash, and then beats ODB with the Awesome Bomb.
**3/4

We go to a pre-tape of Rhino walking EX. He talks about how dangerous this all is and asks Jame if he's even going to breath again.

Jim Cornette comes out to the ring and is happy to be back in the scope after years and years, He announces that if the "FAT BOYS" make weight they never have to do it again, but if they fail they're fired. He moves on to Kurt and rambles for a while and shows he's still the worst by giving the faces the advantage despite it being bullshit.

Match#5 Team 3D vs Curry Man & Shark Boy (Fish Market Street Fight)
Wonderful bullshit for a few minutes as they use fish and ice to beat each up, and Bubba sells it like he's being shot each time. CURRY THROWS A FISH AT HIS BALLS. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. Bubba also ends up with a fishing hook in his mouth for peak nonsense and then a net gets put over his head, AND HE GETS BEATEN UP WITH A FISH. They keep doing amazing things and it's great and dumb, and must see pro wrestling. Bubba gets powder chucked into his eyes and helps Curry 3D D-Von by accident to give them the win.
PRO WRESTLING

In the back, the heels are arguing as to why they should get to sit out, and AJ stupidly says he's got her on the brain and he's not in the right mood to start. Kurt nearly kills him, but Tomko calms it down. Kurt gaslights them by saying they're the best team he's ever seen and they can handle this without him, and he'll kill everyone when he gets back. Tomko finally has enough and seemingly agrees to it and walks off with Kurt. AJ asks JB is she's said anything about him, and he says she's going to drop a bombshell.

Hype for the strap match.

Match#6 Booker T w/Traci Brooks vs Robert Roode w/Peyton Banks (Strap Match)
TNA decides to ruin a sure thing by having them not really use the strap and just have a fight. Like, the match is good as last month, but do not blueball me on this when i want someone's flesh ripped apart. Roode eventually sneaks in a handcuff shot to steal in a No DQ match. Damn it.
3/4*

Post match, Traci gets whipped until Sharmell returns and makes the save. Oh Joy.

In the back, Storm is very drunk and doesn't want to do this, but he keeps drinking and decides that while you should drink and climb, he can bring a sixer up there and fight and kill Rhino.

Match#7 James Storm w/Miss Jackie Moore vs Rhino (Elevation X)
Unlike last time, TNA works out that no one wants to see people fight on this shit, so they have fight around the ring with plunda to ofset the scaffold. Of course they could just not book it, but TNA. They clobber each other and finally get up there, and Rhino kills him with a Gore to send him down into a table.
*3/4

Match#8 Unlikely Alliance vs Angle Alliance
AJ and Cage finally fight again and it's proper magic along with Tomko getting in for the fun and showing off how far he's come in 5 years on TV. Cage is isolated as Kurt is let into the match, and AJ breaks out the Spiral Tap to crush Christian's ribs. Joe fights Kurt on the floor and its fine, but then sadly it turns into Kurt vs Cage for a while, and HOLY SHIT NO. The other heels do well against Cage at least, so call it even. Things break down into a brawl, and Joe chokes Tomko out to win.
**

TNA is testing me like nothing else. Goodness me.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-25/10/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Jay Lethal-10/2/08
TNA World Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles & Tomko-14/10/07
TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong-10/1/08

TNA Impact
March 13th, 2008
Impact Zone

"THE END FOR JOE?????"

Tonight; Kurt vs Kaz. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

In the ring, Cornette officially makes Angle vs Joe for the title at Lockdown, and also books Lethal Lockdown with Cage and Tomko as the captains. Christian makes his way out, and then Tomko comes out as well. Jim says they're here so he can stat the rules and make sure they know they've got two weeks to finalise their teams for the 13th of April at Lockdown. Cage talks about how Tomko is now his own man and he wonders how he feels after Joe put him to sleep. He's going to take his ass out for the last time, and he's nothing but a lapdog for Angle. He says he'll always be nothing but a jacked up inked up bitch. Tomko hits him and they have a sweet brawl until AJ joins in to kick his ass. Nash makes the save and runs them off.

In the back, Karen arrives and says she's going to speak to Kurt about all their issues.

In the back, Steiner rants about how he's got all the titles and cases and freaks, and he COMMMMMANDES titles whenever he goes. He tells Petey to win his match tonight so he can earn a title shot. Petey kisses up and asks to join him, but Scotty tells him he needs to wait for his initiation. He doesn't want him to do it when he's in a bad mood.

Match#1 Curry Man vs Petey Willams w/Rhakka Khan (X-Scape Qualifying Match)
This gets 4 minutes for once in a nice idea, and it also means Curry can go wild as 2008 Christopher Daniels can and carry this sack of piss. Cool moves and big bumps for a while, and it's a proper one man show as Petey is the worst. Curry fights back and shoves Petey into Khan, and counters the CD into a stack pin to win.
*3/4

In the office, Corny makes a tag match between the champs and Cage and a partner of his choice for the main event. 3D now walk in and rant for a good 3 minutes about how much TNA now sucks, and how it's all Corny's fault for being the worst GM in history. They promise to kill anyone they don't like, and Jim can stay alive because he's a washed up old man anyway. Yeah, get him.

They air a sweet Samoa Joe video about how cool he is since he debuted.

Joe now comes out in a suit looking like Tony Rocky Horror from Pulp Fiction. He says he's getting what he's wanted for 3 years in a fair chance at the world title. He knows there's a risk, but first he wants to thank Nash for helping and guiding him to get here. He was wrong about him from the start because he taught him hard lessons and the game itself. He thanks the fans for being there for him and creating "JOE'S GOING TO KILL YOU" and standing up for him as a guy who belonged on TV. He's going to do anything and everything to beat Kurt. He's hunting for him and he will leave that cage with the title. However, if by an act of God he doesn't win, he'll quit TNA and never be seen again. He starts to get emotional but he catches himself and says that's why he's here tonight. He WILL be back here as the worlds champion. Awesome stuff.

In the back, Christian finds Rhino getting ready. Rhino says he's in the wrong place, but Cage says he's right where he should be. He knows he should have handled things man to man and face to face, and he wants to talk. Rhino gets pissed and asks if he wants to talk now!!! He throws a chair across the room and walks out.

Match#2 The Motor City Machine Guns vs Rellik & Black Reign
The Guns are still eating shit for not blading, so they get squashed for 6 minutes by these two shitters. Just run the blade next time, you little nerds. They get nothing and are forced to die over and over for some of the lamest offence possible. Killer Backwards beats Sabin with a Lariat.
1/5*

Post match, Fat Reign demands Super Eric come out and here and fight them, and EY does just that and kicks their butts.

In the back, AJ finds Karen in her lock room, and they go back and forth about where she's been. Karen says she has to tell Kurt first, but it will be all ok. Tomko comes in and tells him to get his head out of his ass and back in the game. AJ says he's sick of everyone grabbing him, and Tomko says it's the only way to get through to his dumb ass. AJ sadly says he's not dumb.

In the crowd, there's some guy from Survivor in the front row.

Match#3 Kurt Angle vs Kaz
Thankfully only 6 minutes and not 16 or more. Kaz goes on a bad run right away with his goofy offence that either misses or just looks bad. KURT TRIES HIS BELLY TO BELLY TO THE FLOOR AND KAZ GETS HIS HEAD CAUGHT ON THE ROPES AND NEARLY DIES BEFORE HE HITS THE FLOOR. JESUS CHRIST. Kurt works the neck and grinds him down, and it's fine and good as he's not doing anything dumb for once. Kaz makes a comeback and really shows he's not that guy as he does nothing big or cool. and shows a distinct lack of fire. Kaz hits a Spanish Fly for a 2.9 count, and it's at least SOMETHING??? Kurt fights through and locks in the Angle Lock to win.
*1/2

Post match, Kurt gets the mic and says he wants to kick Joe's ass even more than he wants to kick his. He's a winner and the best ever today, but he needs to beat him to make sure he's the best ever. Take your fat ass and train and train and be ready for this because it will be his last match, but also his best. Karen now comes out and demands they seperate right now. KURT SAYS THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. HE CAN THINK ABOUT JOE AND NOTHING ELSE AND NOT PUT UP WITH HER. He asks if he needs to sign anything and if she'll take care of the kids, and she agrees. Angle is super happy about all of this.

They air another rough cut for VKM. Dooooon't care.

In the back. Rock N Rave sing very badly

Match#4 LAX & Salinas vs Rock N Rave Infection & Christy Hemme
More of this good in ring series as they get 8 minutes now for everyone to show off with the classic big dives and fun moves. We miss a lot thanks to the adds, but there's enough here to rule on another bad in ring show. The ladies get in at the end as everything breaks down, and it's short and fine. Hemme gets the guitar hero guitar and breaks it over her head to steal one.
**

Jay and Val go out on a date at a theme park, and it's very cute.

We now go to the makeover where Roxxi freaks out and demands they stop, but they spray her with something and beat her up. What a pack of bitches.

In the back, Gail is mad she has to face Skye tonight instead of getting another title shot. EARN IT, YOU ASSHOLE.

Match#5 Gal Kim vs Velvet Skye w/Angelina Love
Not good as Skye is not a good pro wrestler and will never become one, and Gail makes her do complicated shit that she can't do. Just a big miss from a company that seems hell bent of not being smart in any way. Gail wins with her Air-Raid-Crash
1/2*

Post match, BP beat her up until she gets free. KONG COMES OUT AND HITS HER FROM BEHIND. HELL YEAH KILL HER. She hits a Chokebomb and goes for the Awesome Bomb, but Gail gets free and punches the hell out her. She hits the codebreaker and then a spear to drop her and reigns down punches. Raisha hits her with the belt and they kill her some more before ODB makes the save with a chair.

In the back, Christian finds himself confronted by a very angry Big Sexy for not picking him. He says he's got plenty of Diesel left in the tank, and he should be picked before Rhino. Cage thinks about and flashes the NWO/KLIQ sign and asks where he's been all his life. Nash accepts and all is well.

They air a video hyping someone for the Lockdown PPV.

Match#6 AJ Styles & Tomko vs Kevin Nash & Christian Cage
They get right to it with a brawl at ringside and we get more AJ/Cage going at it, and my god is it just a perfect match. Nothing but net. Tomko helps out to turn the tide and beat Cage up, and that's real good again. Fun control seg as Cage sells his ass off as the beating gets meaner and more petty. Sadly, Kurt comes out to ringside because i can never escape this. Blackshirts thankfully made him leave during the break, but that's also silly as it's now pointless and made me have to see more of Kurt. Nash finally gets in and rules in very short bursts as he cracking heads and being Sexy and Big. Nash drills AJ with a gross Jackknife and Cage follows with the Frog Splash. and Tomko has to drag the ref out to make the save!! 3D run down and fight the faces, and the ref throws it out.
**1/2

All the heel team up and beat the crap out of our heroes as Mike ponders of this means they've joined Tomko's team for Lockdown. They lay them out with the chair shots, AND 3D SMASH KEV'S KNEES WITH STEEL CHAIRS. BUBBA HOLDS A CHAIR OVER IT AND D=VON HITS IT WITH A CHAIR. FUCK YEAH. Blackshirts and Corny finally show up and make them stop. All the heels hug and pose over the faces. 3D leave and spot the Survivor guy in the crowd, and they drag him over and beat the shit out of him as well. Fantastic angle.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-25/10/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Jay Lethal-10/2/08
TNA World Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles & Tomko-14/10/07
TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong-10/1/08

TNA IMPACT
March 20th, 2008
Impact Zone

"STRANGE BEDFELLOWS"

JB is once again being a creeper by waiting outside someone's office, this time its Corny's. He says Kurt will be doing a public workout, Sharmell returns and AJ has a guest. Christian walks out of the room very happy, and Jim comes out looking even happier. He says tonight its Rhino vs Tomko. UGHHHHHH Stop making Rhino a thing man, it's 2008 and he's a broken rock monster. Let it end.

Booker comes out and cuts a bland promo before introducing his wife once more. He says he's sorry for putting her in harms way and promises that will not happen again. So, why is she in the ring, you dumbass??? Roode comes out and says nothing new, and then Corny comes out and makes a mixed tag match for Lockdown. Cornette is once again the worst GM in wrestling history. Booker rightly gets mad and destroys things, so Corny books him against AJ tonight.

In the back, AJ is sad and mad and says this is crap. He's got a super special guest and this isn't fair at all. 3D and Devine walk on and calm him down and say he's part of the family now. They confirm they're in Lockdown, and AJ was too dumb to see this. Bubba says the world wants a tag match between them, but they won't give those fricken fans anything like that. They'll team together and take out Nash and Cage. Bubba ends by telling Booker to be aware. '

In the back, Kaz is proud of EY for being brave, and EY says he's safe now that Super Eric is here. EY says he's still scared of killer spelt backwards, and then quickly leaves.

We see footage of last week where Steiner cuffed and gagged Petey and stuck his head under water to teach him a lesson.

Match#1 Scotty Steiner & Petey Williams w/Rhaka Khan vs Eric Young & Kaz
TNA's good opening match streak coming to a halt thanks to letting two of the worst guys in the world fight. Truly putrid work from these guys with bad arm drags and dragon screws that all look bad. Scotty and EY are good and all, but there's too much of the other in the way to give them a chance to make this ok. Kaz maybe invents the Deadeye for American TV, and they show a lot of replays and sell how cool it is, and good for them. Fat and Killer come out and scare EY again, and Scotty beats him with a Super Angle Slam.
1/4*

Post match, Scotty cuffs Petey and puts a hood over him. Scotty has been watching those types of videos in 2008, it would seem.

We go to a sitdown with Christian and Rhino. WAIT. We've already seen that Christian was happy that Rhino was booked against Tomko, so clearly they patched things up, so why not show this first and then that????? TNA has failed every single test in 2008 as the downfall is one of the most brutal and depressing ones in a long time. ANWAY, Mike plays dad and demands that Cage not do anything to embarrass Rhino, like he's a kid and needs to be protected. Christian reflects on all the awful things he's done over the years and none of it bothered him. He used to send Rhino's kid birthday cards because he saw him as a friend, and he should have reached out during his drinking problems. They need him on Team Cage as he's the first person he thought of. Rhino says he hurt his family and friends, and his daughter was watching him getting beaten to a pulp by HIM. His wife had to turn the TV off and she saw her crying and asking why is Uncle Christian hurting her daddy. She had to explain that Christian and Daddy were just playing, and that bothers him. He can take a beating, but that bothers him like nothing else. He asks how can he fix things with his kid! He rips his mic off and walks away. Very well done, but all the classic TNA bullshit hurts it a lot.

Match#2 Tomko vs Rhino
Good muscle head fight as they clobber and bash each other for 5 minutes, and keep it fun and easy. Lots of good punches and charges and dudes getting smacked about. AJ runs down and sneaks in a kick to Rhino's face behind the refs back, and Tomko slips in a Lariat to win.
**

Post match, the losers in the front row tell Hebner that AJ is under the ring, and he finds him and yells at him in the theme of shitty old men being awful to kids. The champs beat Rhino up, but Christian makes the save for his old buddy. Christian offers his hand to the big boy, and he accepts! 3D come in from behind and beat them up as the others join in. Nash shows up with a chair to run them all off. Corny comes out and makes a tag match in the main event, 3D vs Cage & Rhino.

Jay and Val have another date, and he wows her by paying for everything and being a nice chap. Dutt comes on dressed as a waiter as he works there when he's not wrestling. Jay asks for a discount, but he's too distracted by Val being pretty to give him one.

Match#3 Sonjay Dutt vs Homicide (X-Scape Qualifying Match)
Only 2 minutes, but Ci isn't playing as he goes full speed with cool spots that drop Dutt on his head and neck, and it's a proper fun ass sprint. Dutt fakes a knee injury to lure Ci in as he has no chance, and our guy falls for it and gets caught in a rollup to lose. Damn it.
*

Dutt dances as LAX looks on pissed. Dutt hugs them both, so they murder him. Hernandez kills him with the Border Toss. Yeah fuck you.

In the back, Booker is still angry about his wife being placed in a match with that bastard Roode. If he looks at her, he's messing him up. He says it's not personal with AJ tonight, he's against a living legend so bring your A game. Huh, wonder who they replaced Booker with if that's the case.

Another rough cut about VKM hating each other when they got back together. BG notes that AJ does backflips and cool stuff, while they said suck it and not much else. Kip tries to say they stepped up their game, but BG was fat and lazy (and on drugs) and it just didn't work. Billy Gunn saying he carried anyone is maybe the funniest bit he's been involved with ever.

AJ's guest is his wife, Karen.

Match#4 AJ Styles w/Karen Angle vs Booker T w/Sharmell
AJ gets decked from behind and goes wild with his bumps as he makes Booker look motivated and good again. AJ changes a lot up as he does delayed sells on superkicks and splats backwards on other bumps as this is his show. Roode comes out and distracts Booker for AJ to nail the Pele to take over, but then we miss all of that thanks to an add break. FUCK. Booker comes back and AJ does more great dying for him, but i wanted more AJ. Banks attacks Sharmell at ringside and it distracts AJ and lets Booker get him in an ugly cradle to win.
**

Post match, AJ gets up and sees Karen has left, so now he's sad.

in the back, Rashia says they have awoken the WRATH OF KONG and she will kill them both and feast upon their bones.

Match#5 ODB & Gail Kim vs The Beautiful People
Like last week, Love is not ready at all and shouldn't be in ring, but TNA is ready to push them so this is going to be a bumpy and ugly ride. This is not good as the faces can only do so much, and most of it is BP walking around double blind trying to learn as quick as possible. ODB beats Love with a running Powerslam
3/4*

Roxxi comes down and chases BP off.

In the back, JB tries to talk to Kurt about Karen, and he loses his shit and screams there is no Karen or anything else. Joe put it all on the line last week, and his goal has been to get rid of Joe since he got here so this is his chance. Joe can do all the training he wants for as long as he wants, but it won't make a difference to him. He's going to bloody and beat 4 humans tonight.

They air a hype video for Joe training with MMA fighters.

In the ring, Kurt fights and bears up 4 dudes in boxing and wrestling matches to send a message. He beats them with chokes, leg locks and KO's and a TKO after hitting a headbutt. Kurt gets the mic and tells Joe to train his fat ass off because he's still going to get beaten up by him. It's DAMN real.

In the back, Team Tomko make fun of the faces and promise to break them to show who the real pack of kings are. D-Von says to get some losers like the Guns or Sharky on their side because they're going to feel true pain. D-Von then steals Taz's line for some reason. Guess they're not friends at this point, but i really don't know.

Match#5 Team 3D w/Johnny Devine vs Christian Cage & Rhino
This is smartly kept as a fight as 3D jump them and beat the crap out of them. Cage is isolated and the Dudz do a fine job in control keeping it simple and mean, and he shows how great he is by making them look like it's 2001 again. Rhino has a slow hot tag as he's proper cooked now, but its short and moves right into the finishing run. Rhino hits the gore on Bubba, but Tomko comes down and pulls the ref out for the DQ.
*3/4

All the others come down and a big brawl breaks out. Curry and Sharky try to help along with the Guns, but they get beaten up as well because lol. 3D lay everyone out with 3D's and stan...NEVER MIND THAT SHIT THE LIGHTS GO OUT AND STING'S MUSIC HITS. BAW GAWD IS HE BACK. DW SAYS HE MUST BE BACK NEXT WEEK, AND MIKE SAYS IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST IMPACT IN HISTORY.