Donnie watches TNA 2007

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion; Vacant-17/5/07
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin-14/1/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: Team 3D-15/4/07

TNA IMPACT
May 31st, 2007
Impact Zone

TONIGHT; AJ VS JARRETT

Corny is in the ring to open the show. He says it was meant to be AJ vs JJ, but due to very serious family issues he's dealing with, Jeff will not be here tonight. His wife Jill passed from cancer (on the same date at Owen Hart passed in a horrible twist of fate), so he's gone for the next year. The Christian Collation now come out in full as Cage says if AJ had forfeited, TNA would be chucking a massive party. They''re going to have a party and HE'S NOT INVITED. YEAH GOT HIM. He demands he declare AJ the winner and raise his hand. He says TNA is being run like a complete joke and he knows Jim's game trying to put all the odds against him, but he still couldn't beat him decisively, and then he had to face LAX. Now he won't even tell him who he's facing. This is HIS show and he better not forget it. Jim says sorry for not doing business the way he wants. Well, he was going to announce AJ the winner, but he's not doing that now because that would be bad business. He thinks the fans want to see a match. so it's now AJ vs TOMKO. The big man lets out a massive smile as AJ freaks out. Cage calms him down and then asks who he's facing. Jim says he's facing someone who Cage thinks is a punk beneath him. Worry about this problem, punk.

JB-
-JB plugs a txt line for some scoops.
-Daniels walks on and says he went to Sting for enlightenment and he set him on this path. Well, that light is too much for Sting. You're either consumed or embrace it. He's made his choice, now it's Sting's turn.

In the back, EY is sitting in Corny's office chair. Jim walks on as EY complains about Roode sending lawyers after him. Roode walks on and slaps him in the head, so Jim cuts him off and makes the match for the PPV with EY's job on the line or his freedom. Roode agrees to it, and promises that EY will never get in a TNA ring again. Backlund runs on AND SCREAMS HE PASSED THE DRUG TEST AND JIM NEEDS TO GIVE HIM THE MATCH AGAINST THE LYING STEALING MAN AND THIS IS A BATTLE AGAINST MORALITY. Jim screams he's 60 and he needs a doctors clearance. and Bob keeps screaming but seems to agree to it. Jim storm off as Bob and EY look at each for a little bit.

Christopher Daniels comes out to face Rhino, but Sting jumps him and kicks his ass for last week. Sting eats him alive with a chair shot and just batters him like he's a complete level above (he is, but you get my point) and makes him eat a ton of shit. They fight in the crowd as Sting walks him down with amazing punches to the head and face. Daniels is a punching bag as the beating ramps up as he gets thrown into wall and stairs. Sting cracks him with the bat and drops it at his feet and tells him to not mess with him. He walks off as Daniels is pretty much dead.

In the ring, Rhino says he was here to kick Daniels ass, but he's not leaving and he's issuing an open challenge to gore someone in half. LAX now come out to the ring. Konnan gets the mic and talks about the conspiracy TNA has against him, and finally gave the Dudley's a million matches against them until they stole the titles, Rhino started a beef last week, now they've got beef with him. They are the illiest, nastiest team in the world. He better pick someone to have his back, but then he sees Hector and says he can't look in a mirror anymore because he sold out and he's like money thats' been laundered. Huh?? Anyway he challenges him to a fight, and the old man gets in and stands on the apron with Rhino as we go to break.

Match#1 Homicide w/LAX vs Rhino w/ Hector Guerrero
We come back with Rhino pinballing our hero around, but Ci fights back and kills him with the Tope Con Hilo and beats his big stupid ass down with some cool offence, and looks amazing as hell. Rhino takes a wonderful beating selling his ass off, and really helps Ci a ton. Rhino makes a comeback and hurls him over the place once more. He fights off LAX and nails the Gore to win.
**

LAX jump him right away and strangle him, but Hector saves and fights Konnan. Hernandez turns the tide as Konnan uses the crutch to kill him as well. CHRIS HARRIS RUNS DOWN TO SAVE AND FIGHTS EVERYONE, BUT KONNAN HITS HIM IN THE BACK WITH THE CRUTCH AND LAX LAY HIM OUT AS WELL. Konnan buries Hector under the flag.

JB-
-Joe tries to talk, but Kurt walks on and tells him to stop worrying about AJ and Tomko, and start worrying about him. He told everyone he would warn them before he cripples them, and he's going to cripples Joe. Joe stares him down and tells him he better hope he doesn't get to him first. Let the games begin.

In the back, AJ yells at Cage for getting him into a another predicament. This is like Ricky in the 3rd grade fighting and they would both get into trouble. Cage asks if he's got a tear in his eye. AJ yells that he was meant to help his career, and now he's facing Tomko. Christian calms it down and says they're like a family and they're his brothers. They will fight tonight and the best man shall win and all will be well. He makes them put their hands in, and calls Tomko grubby. He tells them to say Christian, and AJ does, but Tomko shoves him against a wall and tells him tonight will be short and painless.

Match#2 Chris Sabin vs Kaz
Nooooooooo, not this match up. The fans chant for Sabin right away as they don't want a piece of Kaz, and it's the best thing these dopes have done in a long time. Sabin bumps like a madman for all of Kaz's awful offence as he's never changed a thing from his debut, and it's exactly why i hate him. Anyway, Sabin thankfully kills him with an amazing tope to take over, and beats the shit out of this goofy moron. Super fun cheating and shit talk, and it works even better against a nothing like Kaz. Sadly, Kaz comes back with all the "cool" offence he can think of, and once again it's Sabin's amazing bumps that make it work so damn well as he's breaking his neck on everything. Kaz does hit a sick running knee to catch Sabin on the top, but he gets distracted by the droogs in the crowd, and Sabin knocks him down and kills him with a sweet hesitation dropkick and then the Cradle Shock to win.
**1/2

In a pre-tape, BG cuts a really awesome promo about being nearly killed by these asshole and how he and his brother are going to make them pay in ways they've never dreamed of.

In the back, Dutt tells Jay and Nash that the Player from the Himalayas is dead, and he's going to show the real Sonjay next week.

Match#3 AJ Styles vs Tomko (KOTM Qualifying Match)
Christian comes out to cheer both men on. Tenay says next week it will be two former world champions facing off for the next spot. AJ eye pokes him to have a chance, but Tomko cracks him and throws him around the joint, and AJ takes a wild bump to the floor. We come back from the break with AJ in control, and we see AJ chop blocked him after Cage got into Tomko's face. Short but super fun control on the legs as AJ is a mean little shit, but also too in love with impressing Cage as it keeps costing him chances to win. Great fucking kicks to the knee and thigh that are super loud and gross looking. Kurt comes out (in full gear) to watch, and Joe comes out and stares him down. Back in the ring, Tomko comes back with punches and bashes AJ's head in for his crimes. Awesome comeback showing all his power offence and a future a babyface if TNA ever went that way. AJ drops him with the Pele and then the Forearm out of nowhere. He grabs a chair as the ref is distracted by Cage, but Tomko KILLS him with an insane boot to the jaw for a 2.9 count. Cage picks the chair up as Tomko sees it, and they argue over it, AND AJ ROLLS HIM UP TO STEAL THE WIN.
**3/4

At ringside, Kurt and Joe argue as Tomko chases after Cage. Back in the ring, AJ dances to end the show.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion; Vacant-17/5/07
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin-14/1/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: Team 3D-15/4/07

TNA IMPACT
June 7th, 2007
Impact Zone

TONIGHT; STORM VS HARRIS IN THE NEXT KOTM QUALIFIER. JESUS YES

Match#1 Robert Roode w/Ms Brooks vs Jerry Lynn
Lynn makes Roode work his terrible bullshit to start, and it's both awful and maddening that it's still happening. Tenay plugs the txt line to vote for who people thing Cage will face next week, and the options are Steiner, Jericho and JJ. Which is really shitty to include Jeff after what happened last week. Fucking TNA. Roode takes over and does fine offence, but he's not killing himself against this fool in a fair choice. Roode slips in a lowblow and wins with the Payoff aka the Perfect Plex
1/2*

Roode beats up Lynn for a while until EY makes the save with a chair. He goes after Roode, so he shoves Brooks into the way and EY throws her into the ring. The faces go to kill her, but Corny shows up and says he won't have men beating up women in TNA (guess the last 5 years didn't happen) but she is going to get beaten up tonight. She's facing Gail Kim TONIGHT.

Leticia-
-She finds Tomko arriving and she asks if he's ironed it out with Cage, and he deadpans he can't do that when the phone number has been changed and he's been avoided like the plague. He says tonight he's going to have nowhere to hide.

In a pre=tape, Daniels talks about his convictions being too much for Sting, and it's time for him to make a choice. Um, pretty sure he did that when he beat the life out of you, you loser.

In. another pre-tape, Mike is standing by with Sting and Daniels. Sting explains that Daniels invited them both here, so the floor is his. Daniels says he saw Sting when he lost the title 5 months ago knowing he would give him good advice, and he did just that. Sting says he didn't do that all as he told him to go down one road, and he's going down the other. Daniels says he's god like and he's having to embrace things as best he can, and now understands taking pain and paying penance. Sting is really confused now, and Daniels says he paid it last week he was beaten up. He promises Sting he will make it right. Sting tells Mike he wish he could believe him.

In the back, Brooks attacks Gail for a bad cat fight.

In the back, Jay thinks he's facing Jake Roberts, and Kev tells him he's facing Sabin. Sonjay walks on in a white outfit preaching about the beauty of the earth and the family he loves. He says the old Sonjay is dead and buried, and he's now the guru.

In a pre-tape, we see James Storm confronting a NFL player Frank Wycheck. They argued a bit, and then Frank broke a guitar over James head. Nah, fuck off. Don't even think about it, Russo.

JB-
-AJ tries to talk, but Kurt walks on and says he's going to cripple his ass and he can't do anything about it.
-AJ freaks out and asks why he would say that! He looks for Cage, and then Christian comes out of a door wearing glasses and a hood and he grabs AJ and shuts it.

Match#2 Gail Kim vs Ms Brooks
Brooks is no way a trained wrestler because it's the 2000's, and you know the deal. So, yeah this is fucking awful and lame as possible as Gail tries her best to get through it. Gail wins with a terrible pin.
1/2*

Post match, Roode comes down to the ring, so Gail tries to fight him but Brooks attacks from behind. He cheers her on as she kicks the hell out of her.

In the back, Tomko demands to know where Cage is, and JB points him in the right direction.

Hype for 3D/Steiners. Nope.

In the back, Tomko finally finds Cage and throws him against a wall and demands to know why he screwed him. Christian says he saw him three years ago at a wrestling show and he saw something hin him, and offered him an autograph and found he was a prison guard who dreamt of being a wrestler. He made him a big shot instead of feeding losers like Abyss. He really screwed him when he got him hired here, and he gave him a chair last week and he messed it up. He told him NOT TO THINK, and he needs to remember who put him in the big time and got him out of debt. They need to put it aside and wait for him his time, and he wants to know if he's with him or not. Tomko says yes and then leaves.

Match#3 Chris Harris vs James Storm w/Jackie Moore (KOTM Qualifying Match)
STORM STANDS ON THE FLOOR AND DARES HARRIS TO FIGHT, AND THEY GO AT IT AGAIN WITH AMAZING WILD PUNCHES, AND BRAWL INTO THE CROWD. Incredible fight of pure hate and venom as they go all around the zone bashing each other's faces in. Harris gets hurled through a wall and messes his elbow up, but he fights through and AND JUMPS OFF THE BUCKLES AGIAIN FOR ANOTHER TREMENDOUS DIVE OVER THE RAILS ONTO STORM. FUCK YEAH. Storm finally cuts him off and shoves his head into a chair and smashes it down with another one, and Harris' head is ripped open in another gusher. We come back from break where Harris catches Storm running at him and slams his face into the rail and busts him open in revenge. Harris punches at the cut with rights and lefts, but Jackie causes a distraction to let Storm come back. They get more plunda out as the ref is letting it all go, and they bash each other with trash can lids to the face because fuck yeah man. THEY HIT EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER, AND HARRIS GRABS A CAN AND BREAKS IT OVER STORM'S FACE FOR A WILD 2.9 COUNT. They fight over a chair in the corner and Storm catapults him into it for another super near fall. Storm lays him out on a table and hits a summersault bomb onto him to crush him through the table. Harris won't die and they fight up the ramp, AND STORM GETS A BEER BOTTLE AND CHUCKS IT AT HARRIS' FACE AND IT BREAKS ON THE WALL WHEN CHRIS DUCKS. CHRIS RUNS BACK AROUND AND SPEARS HIM THROUGH THE STAGE WALL TO KILL THEM BOTH. HOLY FUCK. The ref declares if they don't make it back to the ring, they're both counted out. Kurt walks out and watches as it, and Joe follows him out and goes nose to nose. The ref counts both men out.
***12

TNA refuses to let anything breathe as Joe and Angle fight at ringside as Kurt is a crazed cripple trying to make others just like him. The fight is fucking sick as Joe throws bombs in revenge and kicks his stupid head in. Blackshirts break it up and drag Joe away. ON THE OUTSIDE, AJ ATTACKS KURT, BUT HE GETS DRAGGED DOWN INTO THE ANGLE LOCK.

In the back, Christian and Tomko storm Corny's office to know who he's facing. Jim says it's easy as it's someone Christian as said is beneath him.

Back at ringside, Kurt and Joe are screaming at each other.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion; Vacant-17/5/07
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin-14/1/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: Team 3D-15/4/07

TNA IMPACT
June 14th, 2007
Impact Zone

In the back, Corny goes to Kurt's lockeroom and says they're having a meeting in ten minutes. He walks off and tells Joe the same thing, and then walks into Cage's lockeroom and tells AJ to come to the meeting alone. Christian walks over with a whiteboard and says he knows he's facing Shark Boy!!! Corny says he's got bigger fish to fry than to worry about him right now.

Match#1 Voodoo Kin Mafia & Team 3D vs Damaja & Basham & The Steiner Brothers.
EWWWWWW BROTHER. WHAT'S THAT BROTHER. Everyone is washed, fat, bad, lazy or near death, so of course this gets 5 minutes and has a long control seg from the heels who make up all the previous things i wrote. Even Scotty isn't working hard or being wild, so it's even more pointless and dumb. In a funny moment, BG tries to sandbag the brothers, so they fuck him up and kill him super hard with the Bulldog. 3D and the Steiner's finally fight and goodness it is BAAAAAD for the 20 seconds it goes. Christy sprays Billy in the eyes with something, and one of the Bashams rolls him up to steal it. (Kip made sure to kick out on 3 btw)
POOP.

Mike and DW say the NFL guy Wycheck from last week will wrestle on the PPV this Sunday.

In the back, Corny has all three men with him and he tells them not to do anything, and Kurt says he was just going to cripple someone. Joe gets mad, and AJ jumps on a table and gets yelled at by Corny and called an idiot. Jim says Kurt and Joe have made this show all about them and he's damn sick of it. AJ is nothing but Christian's sock puppet instead of being as phenomenal. He's an idiot. He makes a match. Tomko, Sting and Rhino vs the three of them, and their spots are on the line if one of them is pinned. All he cares about ratings and they're going to help him. He wants them to kill each other for the fans and the numbers. AJ calls him selfish, and Joe kicks a table in anger,

Recap of LAX's attacks over the last few weeks.

JB-
-He plugs that awful txt line.
-Hector and Harris walk on the scene. Chris says LAX took a shot at him and he's still standing here!! If they want a war, they've got one. They're bringing the war machine Rhino with them.
-Hector speaks Spanish to Konnan and tells him to come to the PPV.

Tomko doesn't come out for the match, and no one seems to really care. After everyone makes their intro's, we see Tomko out cold backstage.

Match#2 Samoa Joe, AJ Styles & Kurt Angle vs Rhino & Sting (KOTM Redemption Match)
AJ is throw to the wolves by Kurt and Joe, and takes a wonderful beating for his old buddy Rhino. The other two get in and fight him, and thats fine but it's not AJ Styles. Kurt gets isolated during the break and his partners both refuse to tag in, so Sting kicks his ass. Joe gets in and cleans house as a fuck you to Kurt, and finally works with him to beat Sting up. They argue again, and Christopher Daniels runs down and blind tags in and hits Sting with the Last Rites right in front of the ref, and Joe and Kurt dog pile to beat him.
3/4*

LMAO What in the hell was that, Russo. Not only did you make DQ's not real for the 600th time, but now you've made everyone else look like complete chumps and morons. I fucking hate him so much. Even with a few good minutes of wrestling on TV, he still ruined it. Truly one of a kind.

In the back, Sonjay gets Nash and Jay to hold hands and admit they love each other. Nash deadpans that no one loves a man more than another man, and gives Jay a look. They yell a lot to end it.

Abyss makes his return to face Christian.

Match#3 Christian Cage vs Abyss (KOTM Qualifying Match)
Abyss is finally motivated and caring again as he messes Cage up with cool big monster offence as he pinballs this shit around the ring. He carries him around the ring with one arm and then press slams him to the floor in a sick bump. He keeps battering him, and it's the best he's looked in a year to be quite honest.He keeps murdering Cage and cutting him off. Tenay announces Sting vs Daniels at the PPV, and also says Corny will announce the last man for KOTM at the PPV as well. Anyway, Abyss keeps killing Cage, so Tomko comes out and boots him in the skull for another no DQ because it's not real. AJ comes out to help, but he gets thrown onto Tomko for his troubles. Abyss gets a chair and cracks Cage in the skull for the DQ, He kills the ref for the hell of it.
**

Abyss goes mad and tries to kill Cage, so blackshirts run out to stop him. He kills them all and then dumps out a bag of broken glass. The Collation jump him again, but he fights them off and clears the ring. Tomko wants to fight him, but the others hold him back.

Awesome history video hits to close us out.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion; Vacant-17/5/07
TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin-14/1/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: Team 3D-15/4/07

TNA SLAMMIVERSARY
JUNE 17TH, 2007
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE
NASVILLE MUNICIPAL AUDITORIUM

All time amazing poster.

TNA follows it up with a tremendous history package to open the show.

Match#1 LAX w/Konnan vs Rhino & Senshi w/Héctor Guerrero
The crowd is white hot for LAX in a wonderful moment for this rag-tag-tag match out of nowhere. The faces are a house of fire as they beat and bash poor Ci around the ring, AND RHINO HITS A FUCKING ALLEY OOP ON ACCIDENT AS CI SLIPS OUT OF HIS HANDS ON A POWEBOMB AND CI LANDS ON THE FUCKING CONCRETE AS HE GOES OVER THE TOP ROPE JESUS CHRIST. Ki joins the fun and is amazing against the big man as he kicks the shit out of him super hard, and Rhino helps to drop him. Hernandez snaps and throws Ki by the neck twice across the ring, and Ci gets in to control him with some killer offence against his old pal. He breaks out a sweet elbow drop and really beats his head in, and its wonderful watching LAX get back to what put them on the map. Ki slowly fights out and finally bites Hernandez and kicks him in the head to get out, and Rhino goes wild on his hot tag wreaking shop in amazing fashion. KI HITS A SPRINBOARD FOREARM ON THE BIG MAN TO DROP HIM ON THE FLOOR. Konnan throws in the slapjack, but Hector hangs him on the ropes and he turns into the Gore for the loss.
***

At ringside, DW says Scott Steiner was injured over the weekend in Puerto Rico, so he's out of the tag title match. Also, Tomko will face Abyss in a No DQ match.

They oddly run the hype video for KOTM.

In the back, Gail promises EY she'll have his back tonight.

Big Sexy joins commentary for the next match. Sonjay also comes out to throw flowers to the fans as he's a guru now.

Match#2 Chris Sabin (c) vs Jay Lethal (TNA X-Division Championship)
Jay runs at him to tire him out as it forces Sabin to run for it each time, and Jay catches him and hits him with amazing punches and cool big moves. Sabin finally cuts him off with a knee to the jaw and a facebuster to smack his head off the mat. He works on the neck with some fancy holds that i assume Shelley taught him, and it's fantastic work. He cuts him off with an eye poke and gets cheap and mean, and it's good stuff watching him be a little prick as its all coming together once more. Jay comes back using armdrags like he's Ricky, and they're fantastic and smooth as heck as he unloads a beating of sweet revenge against Sabin. They move into the finishing run rather quickly as this is only 8 minutes, but it's a fun back and forth of close calls and big bombs. Jay hits the combo and then the Elbow to win the title in a big shocker.
**12

Post match, Nash celebrates with Jay in a wonderful moment.

Hype for Storm/NFL guy. Storm swears to give him the last concussion of his life, and it turns out he died from CTE so i guess Storm did the job.

In the back, Storm screams that NFL guy crossed the line when he stood in his world, and he's going to make him sorry about doing this. Kiss your family goodbye because you're about to lose everything. Sorry bout your damn luck.

Match#3 James Storm & Ron Killings w/Jackie Moore vs Jerry Lynn & Frank Wycheck
Truth is back from the void to fight these losers in an odd choice to say the least. Of course, making Storm do this after having one of the best matches ever is also an odd choice, but TNA IS odd, so fuck it. Storm does an amazing job of stooging for this idiot as he puts on a helmet and makes fun of him, and the crowd wants him dead. Storm drops him and then bumps like a mad man for him as Storm is a sneaky fantastic comedy heel when he needs to be. Storm drops him with a lariat on the outside on the concrete and beats his face in, and it's not too shabby at all as Storm is both a violent asshole, and also takes time to make fun of him and piss the crowd off. Truth and Lynn also do things, but its past time for both of them at this point, so it's not worth covering. Things break down and NFL guy whits Storm with a Cradle Piledriver to win.
**

Hype for Shelley/Bob.

Match#4 Alex Shelley vs Bob Backlund
DW says Bob singed ONE autograph this weekend as you needed to recite every president in order, and only one woman did it. Bob was ready to snap on her as a result. Bob takes Alex to school with double legs and chops, and meets the kid at every turn despite not wrestling for a decade. Shelley eye pokes him and locks in fancy arm lock to wear him down, BUT BOB DEADLIFTS HIM LIKE OLD TIMES AND SITS HIM ON THE TOP ROPE AND SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE FOR IT. He keeps beating the tar out of him, so Sabin runs down and trips him, but he gets crotched for his troubles. Bob drop toe holds Shelley into Sabin's dick, AND HE GETS A FANCY ROLL UP TO STEAL THE WIN. FUCK YEAH
**

Post match, Shelley shakes his hand, but Sabin attacks from behind, but Bob strangles him to death and then does the same to Shelley. Nash runs down and breaks it up. Lynn weirdly comes out to stand by Bob's side, AND NASH KICKS HIM IN THE FACE. OK FUCK YEAH. The Guns beats up Lynn for being the worst and shake hands, and Lethal now runs down and cleans house on them. Nash leaves the ring as Jay demands an answer, but Nash just stares at him for a while.

The lights go out and we find Daniels in the crowd. He repeats all his bad promos over the last few weeks about Sting not being true to his word and whatnot. Daniels declares himself a God and swears to take Sting's eye in some old school Biblical work.

Hype for VKM/Bashems.

Match#5 Voodoo Kin Mafia vs Damaja & Basham w/Christy Hemme
VKM finally squash these hacks in about 2 minutes and change. Bad offence and selling all round, but its at least short and not as painful as the last match they had. Kip beats one with a rollup.
1/6*

Post match, Kip chases after Christy and she runs into Lance Hoyt's arms when he comes out the ramp. He carries her down to the ring and feeds her to Kip, but then he kicks him in the skull and helps the Bashams beat VKM's asses. Christy jumps in his arms and kisses him. Good for them.

In the back, Jim tries to get Rick Steiner to forfeit as he's alone, but Rick says he's got a partner and whispers it into Jim's ear, and he makes the match.

LAX DRAG HECTOR INTO THE CROWD AND KICK THE CRAP OUT OF HIM FOR HIS SINS.

Hype for Roode/EY.

Match#6 Robert Roode w/Ms Brooks vs Eric Young (Freedom Match)
Yes, that's what it's being called by TNA. EY is a house of fire right away as he trucks Roode with some killer punches and then takes him out with a stunning dive onto the floor. Roode takes a beating before throwing him into the rails to quickly take over. Another very solid control seg from Bobby as is the norm, and EY is a great punching bag for it as he leans into everything to make Bobby look even better than he already is. EY makes a spirited comeback doing his best Flair impression with the corner bump and dancing with Brooks in between kicking Roode's ass. He nails a sick tope to send him into the rails and stays on him with a beating. Brooks tries to help, but EY takes her out with a sick double DVD onto her and Roode. Bobby rolls out and gets a chair and drills EY in the face to steal the win. However, Corny comes out and restarts it like an actual boss doing his job in a first for wrestling. Roode decks EY with punches that Mike calls Piston like, so you know HHH fell in love in that moment. Gail comes out and fights Brooks away as she promised. Roode takes too long gloating, and EY pulls him into a tight cradle to win his freedom.
**3/4

JB-
-Bubba cuts the same tired lame terrible promo he's been cutting since he got here. BEYOND done with him until the heel turn that should hopefully give them new life.

Rick's partner is

ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL IN 2007. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH

Match#7 Team 3D (c) vs Rick Steiner & Road Warrior Animal (TNA World Tag Team Championships)
This is worked as a true snails pace as anything faster will kill these two legends in a heartbeat. Animal is so bad that he falls down to a knee on a shoulder block, and snadbags all of 3D's work. Truly a smart idea to bring him in instead of just scratching the match. Rick is also horrid and old as shit, and it leaves me feeling bad for 3D as a collective, so you know its BAAAAD. 3D beat Rick with a 3D to end our pain.
LOLTNA

Hype for Sting/Daniels

Sting comes down from the rafters in a really cool moment.

Match#8 Sting vs Christopher Daniels
Sting smokes him for the first minute or so to really go with the theme of this being a terrible feud, and Sting in 07 being a real asshole. Daniels flings him off the apron into the rails to hurt his ribs, and he attacks them. Really gross knees to them and the chest in a reminder he's still great at this, and he even throws in some sick as fuck body blows to really show off. Sting's selling is pretty good, but the real story is how amazing Daniels looks as Sting finally gives him the spotlight and he runs away with it. Sting then of course no sells and runs through him like he's a nothing and wins with the Deathdrop when he easily reverses one Daniels tries. FUCK YOU, STING.
**1/2

in the back, the Collation is standing by. Cage says he's pissed off at being called a former champion, and after tonight that's never being said again. Cage fakes tears as he thanks AJ for sacrificing himself for him in the KOTM, and he gives him a big hug and says this is a beautiful thing he's doing. AMAZING. He demands Tomko end Abyss or he's coming for him, and Tomko slaps him in the chest and sarcastically says he'll get right on that. Cage hugs AJ as AJ says their gear matches and now they're a real team. Cage smiles at him like a loving dad.

Match#9 Tomko vs Abyss (No DQ)
Babyface Abyss is now throwing these horrible looking punches that hit at the wrist instead of the actual fist, and i've never seen anyone throw such a bad looking punch before. Tomko thankfully rules and throws actual good looking shots as he beats this giant turd up with sick looking punches. They keep having a battle of good vs terrible offence for a while, and it's not a lot of fun. Abyss brings out his bag of tacks, and Tomko chokebombs him onto them to cover his arms and back. Abyss comes back again and brings out the most obvious fake looking glass ever as it's covered in white powder and doesn't even crack when he stands on them, Tomko gets a piece and stabs him in the head, and TNA has to zoom out as Abyss blades in the ring without really bothering to try and conceal it. Tomko gets a barbedwire bat and hits him a few times as they fight near the stage. They both climb to the top of the set and Abyss pulls Tomko off into a bunch of boxes covered with a black tarp. Abyss hits a terrible elbow drop to expose the hundreds of boxes in an amazing LOLTNA moment. They both climb out of the fun looking pit and go back to the ring where Abyss hits a horrrrible looking BHS into the glass to win. What a piece of shit.
3/4*

JB-
-Kurt and Joe are there, and Kurt wants them to agree to bloody and punish each other and do what they've gotta do. Joe pulls him in for a handshake and promises to break him.

We go to a pre-tape with Jeff Jarrett. He talks about how TNA has become such a massive wrestling company after 5 years and all that has come from it. He becomes very emotional as he covers attacking Hogan and what it meant to him to take TNA to him. He brings up his wife Jill, and then is unable to speak for a moment as he struggles to catch himself. He says she's the one who encouraged him to a fault to start TNA and to do this, She helped TNA be here today, and it was her passion that inspired him. She beat cancer 11 years ago, but it came back two years ago and she passed on the 23rd of May and won the race of true deep love. He speaks about love being the biggest thing she cared for. He doesn't know if he's coming back to the ring as he's not prepared and it's the worst place for him right now. He thanks everyone for their support, and thanks them all on behalf of Jill.

One of the hardest things i've sat through, but a true reminder of what actually matters in this world.

In the ring, Corny is standing by with Mike Tenay. He speaks about JJ being deserving of being in the match, but that's not happening and Jeff asked Jim to give CHRIS HARRIS his spot. Fuck yeah.

Match#10 AJ Styles vs Kurt Angle vs Samoa Joe vs Chris Harris vs Christian Cage (TNA Worlds Heavyweight Championship-King of the Mountain Match)
- Joe tackles Kurt in the corner as everyone fights each other, and we get some new cool matchups after months of the same tired stuff for the most part.
-Cage and AJ team up and do cool double teams and high five, AND CAGE MAKES AJ LAY DOWN FOR HIM, AND KURT BREAKS IT UP AT THE LAST SECOND.
-AJ goes on a sweet run of offence and dropkicks Harris in the face, AND ROLLS UP CAGE AS A FUCK YOU FOR A 2.9 COUNT.
-Joe drags AJ out and smacks his head into the rail to take him out, and gets in and wreaks Cage's day with his amazing offence.
-Harris and Cage fight for the first time and match up very well. AJ tries to help, but Harris nails the Cationic to be able to Hang the title
-AJ is locked in the box
-Joe picks up a ladder and hurls it at Cage and Harris' faces
-Kurt and Joe fight again and you know the deal
-Cage fights them both and gets locked in the clutch and angle lock for his troubles.
-AJ is let out of the box
-He fights Harris like it's 2005, and then fights Joe for the best stuff in the world again.
-He tries to Clash Kurt, but he gets turned into the Angle lock, BUT AJ COUNTERS AND KICKS KURT OUT OF THE RING
-HARRIS BACKDROPS AJ ONTO CAGE LYING PRONE ON A LADDER IN A SICK BUMP
-Harris goes to hang the title, and Kurt catches him on the ladder and hits the Angle Slam to pin him.
-Kurt can now hang the title, and Harris is going to the box
-Joe takes everyone out and kills AJ with the Muscle Buster, but Kurt breaks it up and accidentally hits the ref
-Joe locks in the choke and misses Kurt tapping out
-Cage smacks Joe in the face with the ladder to knock him out cold, and then pins a dead Kurt to send him to the box.
-Kurt kicked out on the 3 btw in a weird moment.
-Cage goes to hang the title, but Joe meets him, AND HITS A FUCKING ACE CRUSHER OFF THE TOP. JESUS CHRIST.
-Harris goes to climb and knocks Joe out with the belt, and then throws Cage off when he tries to stop him
-AJ COMES OUT OF NOWHERE WITH A SPRINGBOARD DROPKICK TO FINALLY KNOCK HIM DOWN.
-Kurt is out of the box
-AJ climbs on top of the box as Joe follows him up for another awesome fight.
-AJ kicks him in the dick, BUT JOE SITS DOWN AND GRABS AJ BY THE ARMS AND THROWS HIM OFF THE TOP THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE. HOLY FUCK YES.
-

-CAGE AND HARRIS NOW FIGHT ON TOP OF THE BOX AND HARRIS HITS A GORDBUSTER TO GET RID OF HIM, AND THEN FOLLOWS UP WITH A FLYING LARIAT TO ANGLE.
-Harris uses the ladder to swing it into Kurt's infamous bad neck and Cage's head
-Harris goes to climb the ladder to hang it, but Cage shoves him off and smacks the ladder into Harris' head and face to knock him out.
-Cage now climbs up, but Kurt grabs his ankle and locks in the Angle Lock like a proper freak. Cage gets free and hits him with the title, but Kurt won't die and they have a tug of war, AND HARRIS SPEARS CAGE OFF THE LADDER. FUCK YEAH
-KURT STILL HAS THE TITLE AND HE HANGS IT TO WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIP
***14

The fans go wild for Kurt, and Joe gets back in and throws a ladder down in anger. He goes nose to nose with Kurt and offers his hand. KURT KICKS HIM IN THE GUTS AND HITS THE ANGLE SLAM AND SCREAMS LIKE A MADMAN TO CLOSE THE SHOW.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-17/6/07
TNA X-Division Champion: Jay Lethal-17/6/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: Team 3D-15/4/07

TNA IMPACT
June 21st, 2007
Impact Zone

Abyss is walking in the back as DW says he's a man on a mission, and he wonder what he's about to do.

They recap the PPV.

In the ring, Corny says we're on the road for Victory Road, and he brings out all the current champions for an announcement. Kurt comes out last and is met with boos and jeers from the Zone. Jim says the main event of the PPV will be "The Match of Champions" as the TNA worlds champion and X-Division champion will team up against the tag champions with all titles on the line with the winner taking the title from the champion they pin. This also means the person who beats the tag champions will win BOTH titles and pick his partner. Oh, come on don't get silly with it. Anyway, Jim says the titles will be defended over the next three weeks with the winners earning the chance in the match. Jim asks if anyone has a question, AND KURT RAISES HIS HAND. DEAD. He tells Jim to get his head out of ass, which is not actually a question. He asks where his fireworks and celebration is after winning the title, and he wants to be on the pedestal. He says Sting would have gotten an Oscar party by now, and he says he's got some people to thank now. He thanks himself for making tonight possible, and himself for doing everything he said he would do, and himself for putting TNA on the map and being the best wrestler in the company and world. He tells the fans to keep their support because they blow like the wind and he tells them to hate him because he hates them. They chanted Joe was going to kill him like morons. He thanks the good lord for giving them a role model to look up to, that would be him.

Jim gets in his face and gives him a dressing down for acting like this as a pro wrestler who gets paid for this. This is about competition and shatter the glass celling around here, some new blood that wants to reach the top and not be petted and played with. He makes a three way dance for next week against two former world champions and find out how hard it is to keep it. He turns to Jay and says his title is on the line against Chris Sabin and SAMOA JOE. Both me come out and stare him down.

JB-
-JB says TNA is negoting with a major main eventer so txt the TNA hotline to find out. You sir are not Mean Gene
-Jay walks on and does another perfect Randy impression as Sonjay sits on the floor praying and chanting.

Match#1 Robert Roode & James Storm w/Miss Jackie & Ms Brooks vs Eric Young & Rhino
BEER MONEY IS HERE A YEAR EARLY. HELL YEAH MAN. Roode is not pleased with the PPV, so he has another killer brawl with EY as they both show a ton of hate and fire. Storm helps him out as he meshes super well with Roode, and kicks EY's ass to isolate him for a fun short control seg. Lots of great strikes and cut offs before Rhino gets in and does his fine offence as always. It all breaks down and Jackie jumps on Rhino's back, he throws her off but he walks back into Storm's amazing superkick to eat the loss.
**

Post match, Beer Money enjoy a beer and Storm pours into Rhino's mouth, AND HE WAKES UP AND FREAKS OUT AND SMASHES THE BOTTLE AS HE TOSSES IT AT STORM. HE PUSHES EY DOWN. HE THROWS SHIT AROUND THE ZONE AND FLIPS THE ANNOUNCE TABLE OVER AND RUNS OFF.

We see during the break that corny tried to calm him down, but Rhino kept yelling and freaking out.

They re-air Jeff's promo from the PPV.

In the back, Joe yells at the interviewer and asks how many times has he does this interview, and how many times has Kurt pissed him off. Tonight he wins the title and then he's Kurt's partner because he wants to taste his blood. Until that day there will be no more interviews. Well, he's a touch angry.

Match#2 Chris Harris vs Raven w/Serotonin
Well, it's not 2004 and this isn't Nashville, sadly. Raven jumps him with his classic offence that's now super slow and bad looking in one of the saddest fall offs ever. Harris sells his ass off at least and makes it far better than it really is, and also kicks ass from fighting from underneath. Harris makes a quick come back and whips his old fat ass, but Havoc hits him with a stick to turn the tide. Kaz runs down and turns on his shitty pals and beats them up, and then nails Raven with a flying lariat before running off. Harris gets up and hits the Cationic to win.
*3/4

The Christian Collation pop up on the stage with Tomko holding a movie slate and AJ wearing a beret and carrying a megaphone. Cage kicks them out as he turns his focus to Harris. He says he's the champ, the man who makes superstars as it begins and ends with him. That's why everyone follows him around and all the wrestlers want to face him so they can tell their grandkids they had the chance. He did get his attention by costing him the world title. He wants to make a name for himself and be next in line, well that's fine as they're going to put on a masterpiece at some point, but he won't like how it ends. Someone walks on the screen as Cage freaks out and begs for help.

We go back to the Zone where we see Abyss throwing Cage down the ramp. He gets the barbed wire bat and goes for the kills, but AJ and Tomko make the save and fight him. Abyss and Tomko have another terrible fight, and Abyss wins out and runs them off. Fuck this feud.

In a pre-tape, Mitchell says he's searched the seedy underbelly for his prize and he's suddenly appeared in a flash of light. A creature beyond words and with no passion. A force unlike anyone has ever seen. His SON. Oh no.

Match#3 Jay Lethal (c) vs Samoa Joe vs Chris Sabin (TNA X-Division Championship)
Sucks to see Jay and Sabin's feud get canned in favour of the awful Kurt/Joe feud that's been dead since January, but TNA is going to TNA no matter what. Still, this rocks as it's 7 minutes of 3 of the best in the company going wild as wild can with cool ass moves and dives, while trying to take down a giant scary monster before he kills them. Sabin gets to go one a sick run off offence and breaks out a series of killer dropkicks and looks incredible as hell. Joe murders him with chops, but Sabin uses his speed to stay alive and we get another amazing fight between them like 2005. Sabin shoves Jay off the top when he goes for the elbow on Joe, but he takes too long talking shit and Joe catches him with the Muscle Buster to win the title.
**1/2

Cornette comes out and congratulates him on winning his spot at VR. He then makes Kurt vs Rhino vs Christian for next week for the worlds title.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-17/6/07
TNA X-Division Champion: Samoa Joe-21/6/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: Team 3D-15/4/07

TNA IMPACT
June 28th, 2007
Impact Zone

So this is the infamous show with the worlds title match lasting the entire episode. Never actually seen it, but given how bad TNA is at this point, i'm super excited and scared to death. Lets find out together.

Hype video for the match airs.

Joe comes out and shakes Rhino's hand and scares Cage off. He walks over to Kurt and offers his hand, but turns it into a slap and fights him for the billionth time. They brawl into the crowd and Joe smokes him with his amazing stuff before TNA hasn't quite broken him yet, thankfully. Lynn and other wrestlers drag Joe away, and Corny kicks him out of the building.

Match#1 Kurt Angle (c) vs Rhino vs ChrIstian Cage (TNA Worlds Heavyweight Championship)
Kurt is magically back in the ring sort of selling the attack, but not really because he's not in the mood, maybe. They have your standard opening three way fight and it's ok thanks to Cage leading the charge and reigning in Kurt's nonsense as best he can as he works with him to beat Rhino up. Rhino fights back and beats them up with his stuff, and you can see the wear and tear of the years on him as he's a lot slower and weaker these days. Kurt cuts him off and works a sick chokehold for a while as his arms are right around his face and neck, and it's truly gross looking. Rhino fights out with an electric chair bomb, but Kurt no sells once more and goes back fighting him like nothing happened. Dude really has become horrible insanely quick. Cage gets back in to fix the trash as he goes after Kurt's neck with his great uppercuts and neckbreakers, and then attacks Rhino's equally terrible neck. Love him so much. He keeps doing cool shit and making sure these dopes don't ruin it. Kurt comes back to life with the German's, and Cage takes 5 of them and dies on each. He gets both of them in a double Angle Lock as he's truly out of cool ideas, and no one can save him. He further proves my point by hitting his arm drag off the top because new ideas are for cowards. He then hits Rhino with his Angle slam for a 2.9 count hahahahahahaha finishers aren't real, man.

Cage now brings in a table and we get some fun offence of people smashing their brains off it, and you know i love it. Abyss comes out and chases Cage off through the crowd and into the back. They fight into the production area and have a fun fight that's at least not Joe and Kurt again. Cage avoids dying long enough for AJ and Tomko to make the save and beat him up 3 on 1 with some nearby plunder.

Back in the ring, Kurt and Rhino are trying to have an epic back and forth ,but like at both their peaks it would be a killer 6 minute sprint, not anything else neither is actually good or capable of at this point. Rhino goes him through the table and sends him neck first into it. Cage comes back to drag Rhino off the pin, but Chris Harris now comes out and bears the piss put of him on the outside and talks some serious trash. Hell yeah, now give me that feud. Tomko and AJ come back and beat him up as Rhino and Kurt are still doing bad things in the ring. AJ kills Harris with his looping rights and lefts to the head as Tomko strangles him. Abyss sadly comes back and fights them again, and AJ takes some wild bumps for him. Cage now joins in and helps beat up Harris, and My God is it good. Sting now weirdly just walks down the ramp in a lame black t-shirt and beats the heels ump with his bat, and Tomko is a bloody mess.

We come back once again to everyone fighting in the ring and around the zone, and Gorilla would call it a pier 6 of true pandemonium, Tomko's head is covered in a gnarly gusher, and Abyss punches at it and his hands are covered in his blood in an epic visual. They all fight away, and we're stuck with Kurt and Rhino having a perfectly fine, but tired as death back and forth with a bunch of near falls and classic Kurt epic bullshit with top rope bely to belly's and other standard Kurt stuff. Rhimo sets him up for the Gore, but James Storm comes out now and spits beer in Rhino's face to blind him and he walks into an Angle Slam to lose as it's now a finisher again.
1/4*

My God, what a complete disaster of a match. I respect the actual attempt to do it on TV to try and go against WWE being amazing on TV, but the answer being a complete clusterfuck of ten thousand things, Angle epic tomfoolery, Rhino being old and washed. Cage being forced to carry it as best he can while also building up two other feuds, and therefore not being able to truly guide anything in the ring. Sting randomly coming back when he's actually not needed after the last awful 10 or so months since the Abyss feud started. Not to mention yet another Joe/Kurt fight that we've seen a dozen or so times at this point that's going to lead to another two months of this feud and yet another match where they'll for sure do the same bullshit they always do, and then i'm meant to care when Joe finally beats this goof for the title as TNA wants me to. It's just a bad joke and i'm beyond done with all of this at this point. The reviews will never die and i will finish this, but man is it going to be as painful and stupid as possible even with tiny glimmers of hope.

Goodbye and goodnight.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-17/6/07
TNA X-Division Champion: Samoa Joe-21/6/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: Team 3D-15/4/07

TNA Impact
July 5th, 2007
Impact Zone

TONIGHT; TEAM 3D VS LAX AND AJ STYLES AND CHRISTOPHER DANIELS FOR THE WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES. HOLY SHIT WHAT.

They air a fantastic hype video for the tag title match.

AJ and Daniels even make their entrance together. This is such a wonderful moment after months of truly dire work.

Match#1 Team 3D (c) vs AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels vs LAX (TNA World Tag Team Titles)
Everyone thankfully jumps 3D and shows off their respective team work, and it's neck and neck once again for whose actually better between them. Bubba bumps and cares on top of it, and D-Von even tries hard, so fuck yeah man. AJ hits the forearm from halfway across the ring to take out D-Von, and the best feud of 06 hits again and it's incredible as AJ and Ci fight, and Ci hits a goddamn stunning running overhead suplex to crush AJ's back. Daniels keeps them in the fight against the big man, but 3D come back to life and runs through everyone and clobber Hernandez with the reverse 3D to isolate him. 3D work on him as they're sort of going heel anyway, so they might as well embrace it. Ci tries to help but he gets his ass kicked, and bounces all over the ring for them. AJ and Daniels help them out and kill Bubba with the High Low they beat LAX with last year, and Ci is able to take back over and get some shots in on him, and then the big man gets the tag and shows off as he clocks him a few times. LAX cheat against them by chocking Bubba with a shirt and just beating his ass in a fantastic as hell control seg. We come back from the break with Daniels now in the ring beating up Bubba as well, and the little we get is the best work he's done in a few months. Bubba rules at selling his ass off and fighting from underneath with wicked chops and an out of nowhere Bubba Bomb to finally cut him off, and then tag in D-Von for a super fun hot tag as work super hard lighting everyone up. It all breaks down and Hernandez takes a nasty backdrop to the floor as he hits the apron on the way down. 3D use the Doomsaday Device for a 2.9 count on Daniels. AJ and Ci fight once more and Daniels helps out, AND THEY HIT THE FROG SPLASH BME COMBO FOR A SUPER INSANE NEAR FALL. HERNANDEZ GETS BACK IN AND KILLS AJ WITH A BORDER TOSS TO SEND HIM ON TOP OF HIS FUCKING HEAD. DANIELS PULLS THE REF OUT OF THE COUNT, AND HERNANDEZ GETS REVENGE WITH THE SUPER DIVE OVER THE TOP ONTO EVERYONE. BUBBA CLIMBS TO THE TOP AND DIVES ONTO LAX. WHAT THE FUCK. Daniels fights D-Von, and nearly has it won, but Bubba slides back in and they hit him with the 3D to get the win in an out of nowhere sleeper match of the year.
***1/2

in the back, JB says Kurt faced Brock in Japan, and they need to txt to see what happened. He comes across Hoyt and Christy making out, and they call him a perv. Lance says Christy has been teaching him under the covers the entire time, and he's got the future and the fiery readhead to do it all. VKM can live with it. Joe walks on and steals the mic and says 3D are now added to his list of victims. He pimp slapped Kurt to show him whose in charge, and now he needs him to win the tag gold so he can have all the gold and then beat Kurt for the worlds title. He will break him. Jesus, this feud stinks

Mike announces Christian vs Harris for Victory Road. Also, Storm vs Rhino. Corny says UX will also be making it's return and he will announce more next week. Christian and Tomko come out with the megaphone as Cage says it's the symbol of him being the director and producer of power. He produces ratings and superstars like JJ, Sting, Joe and Abyss. Who in the hell is Chris Harris? At VR he will be a star just by breathing the same air as him, and then Corny will have to put him back in the main event. Jim grabs the mic and says Harris the guy whose going to shatter the glass celling with his head. Also, he's heard that Abyss is looking for him. Cage says he's not here tonight, but his pimp hand is strong and if he was here,he would slap him. Abyss' music plays and Cage freaks out and runs off.

We now go to an interview with Mike and Rhino. Rhino says his dad died of alcoholism when he was 15, and he himself turned to drinking when things got hard for him. It affected every aspect of his life and ruined his marriage and life. He finally realised it it needed to end, and it did. He now sees that one drink can bring him back to his old ways and he can't go through it. Storm put beer in his mouth and opened that wound, and now he must pay for it. Truly a well done angle.

Match#2 Gail Kim vs Miss Jackie vs Ms Brooks
As JR would say, this is bowling shoe ugly as Gail is the only one that's good and actually caring, and the other two are very bad. So, of course this gets 5 minutes ruins the last good will of my night. Gail beats Jackie with a fancy pin.
14*

Post match, the heels beat on her until EY makes the save. Roode sneaks in and hits him because this feud also won't die.

In a dark stairwell, we find Sting and JB walking. Sting says everyone wants to know what's happening with Abyss, and he's never given up on him at all. Hell, he felt indebted to him and he feels a connection. He's been hiding under the mask just as he's been hiding under the paint, and it's not easy to bare it all. Abyss will speak next week, and JB in shock. We find Abyss in the corner and he pops his head up to show he's got no mask and is wearing Sting facepaint. He grunts and does his pose.

Kurt Angle comes out in a sweet suit and is holding the TNA worlds title and the IWGP title he beat Brock for in Japan. However, Brock had quit NJPW and been stripped of the title and it's not cannon, but Inoki and his company IGF recognised it and had Brock defend and lose to Kurt. It's super complicated and i actually don't understand most of it, so my apologies for that terrible attempt to explain.

ANYWAY, Kurt declares tonight the night of Kurt Angle and says TNA now stands for Total Nonstop Angle. He put this company on the map and bought the highest ratings and buyrates ever. He says 3D will have the chance to tell their kids they faced Kurt Angle, and that's deep. OF COURSE THEY'RE GOING TO LOSE AND BE HUMIlITATED, BUT STIL IT'S DEEP. Bubba and D-Von now come out and mock his gold medals and being knocked on his head far too many times, which is a very fair statement. He says it's because of the crowd they have an success right now. Kurt introduces himself as the 96 Olympian and Bubba as a hotdog eating champion. He sucks. Bubba says he blows then, and punches him in the face. D-Von gets the tables and sets it up, but Joe makes the save and takes them out with ease. Sadly, Kurt gets back up and Angle Slams him through the table to make sure Joe looks even worse than he has in the last few months. Great work, everyone.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-17/6/07
TNA X-Division Champion: Samoa Joe-21/6/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: Team 3D-15/4/07

TNA Impact
July 12th, 2007
Impact Zone

Abyss vs Lance Hoyt w/Christy Hemme
Abyss is all fired up and smokes Hoyt like he's a giant nothing jobber. Which to be fair he mostly is, but still not a nice way to treat a dude you're seemingly committed to giving a push against legends like The Outlaws. He does get a bit of offence, but it's not good looking and he's easily caught and killed every time. Abyss chucks a chair at his face as the ref is distracted, and Hoyt actually kicks out in a big moment. Abyss then catches him with the BHS to win, so that was pointless.
1/2*

Abyss brings out the bag of tacks, but the Bashams make the save and drag Hoyt away, and VKM come out and fight them away. Abyss corners Christy, but AJ and Tomko come out and beat the shit out of him. Sting now shows up to his save his now friend whose life he helped ruin, and beats them up with his bat. Tenay announces it will be Abyss and Sting vs AJ and Tomko at VR. Hey, that could be a ton of fun. Sting gets the mic and says Abyss is going to tell them what's going to happen. He gets the mic and says in three days CLICK DOOMSDAY. Simple and to the the point.

They now air the intro in a weird move.

Tenay announces Kurt Angle, 3D and Joe vs The Christian Collation and a to be named 4th member. HMMMMMMM

Also, it will be a ten man UX gauntlet at VR for the #1 contendership for the X-Division title. EY and Gail vs Roode and Brooks has been added as well. Card is shaping up to pretty fun.

They air a hype video for the main event with all the champions talking. D-Von is the only who hasn't driven me insane this year as he never speaks and takes lots of steroids, so you can tell i've been broken.

in the back, JB is with Cage and the boys as Christian loses his mind about Abyss and Sting teaming up. AJ says Tomko isn't a champion, but he's held more titles than him and even Y..He stops himself as Cage says he's the instant classic and he's not going to fold as he wins again. Robert Roode walks on Cage introduces him their 4th member. Bobby says he's sick of the politics that have screwed him, and he's sick of Cornette doing the same. Tonight he's going to share the love, and if it doens;t make dollars it don't make sense. Christian loves his new son and calls him kid, and AJ is very upset as that's what Cage calls him.

Match#2 Kaz vs Havok vs Martyr (Ultimate X Qualifying Match)
EWWWWWW BROTHER. WHAT'S THAT BROTHER. This is completely awful as it's full of botches and terrible lame high spots as Kaz was born and will die in 2005, and the others are boring goofs as we all know. Kaz nearly breaks his leg trying to roll off Devine's back as he nearly falls and has to catch himself like a big loser. He gets rid of him and catches Shane's superkick and rolls him up to win.
1/7*

Post match, Raven walks down and breaks a cane over Kaz's back. The other two join and beat him up with stick and whatnot, and Raven gets out his snotrag and blows his nose and sticks it in Kaz's face. The other two beat Kazu p some more and they all pose over him.

Hype for UX.

We go to a bar where DW is sitting with James Storm enjoying some cold ones. Storm laughs about Rhino pouring his heart out, and James said his dad died when he was 12 and it was a rib man. He says now that he knows he enjoys some drinks, he will share some with him. DW deadpans that he can't drink with an alcoholic as it's a disease, AND STORM SAYS HE THOUGHT THEY CHECKED FOR FOOT STUFF HERE. AMAZING. DW brings up all the things Rhino has lost, and Storm says he lost his virginity when he was 16 so he understands. He should use autoclub to go to AA because quitting is for losers. DW asks if he understands this as a competitor, and James shrugs and says not really. He says the beers will be on Rhino this Sunday.

They air a fantastic video with Chris Harris talking about his history of the first show in TNA and teaming up with Storm when he didn't want to, but it became the best part of his life. He then loved being a singles star as it showed him he could be one of the elites in TNA. He hasn't quit yet and he doesn't plan on it. This match with Cage will be make or break for him. He heard people ask if he and Storm could actually make it as singles stars, and they did just that. He wrestled in KOTM and while he didn't win the title, he made sure those men will never forget him. Christian will never forget him either.

James Mitchell's son is coming,

We now to go an old school vs new school debate between The Guns, Bob Backlund and Lynn. Kevin Nash is the moderator. Kev says to wang chung tonight. Bob offers a drink that he used to use years ago, and Shelley says it's cough syrup. Sabin vomits it as Shelley demands they film it. Lynn says they should be on the other side buying a ticket, and Shelley calls him the lead singer of Nickleback and tells him to shut up. Lynn says he took Sabin under his wing years ago, and Sabin and Shelley lift their shirts and Sabin says did he just say wang, AND BOB FREAKS OUT AND TRIES TO KILL THEM. Kevin thanks the fans for watching the debate as Lynn chokes out Sabin, and Chris begs for help as he says he loves Kevin.

Match#3 The Christian Coalition & Robert Roode vs Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle & Team 3D
Bobby meshes with his new dad and brothers right away, and shows he's more than ready for the main event against the top stars. The heels all take wild bumps to start and help to carry the load for 3 old men. Joe and Cage fight again, and hey it's fucking amazing again and gets me so excited for the next series between them. Joe also has cool battles with Tomko and AJ, and easily shows the other loses up by simply being Samoa Joe. He gets bored and slaps D-Von in the chest to tag him in, and Bubba takes exception and shoves him back and they go nose to nose. We cut to the break and come back with D-Von getting beaten on, and we see AJ killed him with the dropkick, and Roode hit his amazing spinebuster to hurt him worse. The heels beat the shit out of him, and are a fantastic unit teaming in and out and kicking his face in with some brutal stuff. Tomko gets some shine and looks killer again, but D-Von drops him and tags in Joe for a hell of a hot tag as he murders everyone in his way before the shit hits the fan and everyone fights except Kurt who sits at ringside and watches it all unfold. Joe fights them all on his own and more than holds his own as he bashes them. HE PICKS AJ UP FOR THE MUSCLE BUSTER AND KURT BLIND TAGS IN AND CHOP BLOCKS JOE AS HE HITS IT, AND HE STEALS THE PIN AFTER DOING NOTHING ALL MATCH. WHAT A GUY.
**3/4

Post match, Kurt celebrates as Joe is super damn mad.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-17/6/07
TNA X-Division Champion: Samoa Joe-21/6/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: Team 3D-15/4/07

TNA VICTORY ROAD
JULY 15TH, 2007
THE IMPACT ZONE

Match#1 Ultimate X Gauntlet Match
Daniels and Jay are the first two in as Tenay explains it's the classic rules of it being a battle royal to start and then the UX match happens when all ten have joined the match. Also, they're using the Elevation X set up in a horrible moment.
-Still, they have a fun fight for a minutes as they both still give a shit and have a great back and forth.
-Puma aka TJP is next in, and he does some cool fancy lucha stuff as TJP tends to do.
-Homicide is next
-He takes it slow and does some fine basics, but he's not killing himself.
-Sonjay is next up.
-Not much is happening as everyone bar Sonjay and Daniels are laying down and selling.
-Petey Williams is alive and back in the ring.
-He's full of fire and speed as he finally brings some life to this with some awesome movez to everyone.
-He kills Puma with the CD and throws him out, BUT HOMICIDE SNEAKS UP AND THROWS HIM OUT AS WELL.
-Sharky is next
-He's also fired up and reels off some nice stuff, and fights Daniels for my weird dream match.
-Elix Skipper is alive as well and back.
-Holy shit this match is bringing everyone back from the dead.
-He backdrops Sharky over and out.
-He also kicks Sonjay out when Dutt tries to skin the cat and gets caught.
-Kaz is next, and is no longer a Raven flunky
-He sucks shit and does all his lame ass stuff.
-Ki is the last man and now UX beings
-Ki boots and murders Kaz for being alive, and locks in the dragon sleeper on top of the truss to knock him back down to the mat.
-Ki and Lethal are both pulled down as they try and climb, and Ki and Ci fight once more and it's so good.
-Kaz, Ki, Jay and Daniels all climb up to the middle and nearly get it, but they get dragged down and all of them eat crap on their landings.
-Everyone gets up and fight some more, but none really killing themselves or doing anything that wild as 2007 TNA has broken them.
-Daniels climbs up and is hanging upside down, and kaz jumps off with an Ace Crusher to kill him in the coolest thing in 10 minutes.
-To further prove that, they do a tower of doom spot.
-Kaz climbs back up and is met by Skipper, and they get on top of the set up and have a bad fight and they both fall off to the mat.
-Kaz no sells it and hits Ci with with his horrible Spanish Fly off the top rope.
-God, this match is awful.
-Daniels climbs up as Skipper and Ki stop fighting and take Lethal out.
-Daniels grabs the X to win, and he flashes the XXX SIGN AND THEY'RE BACK TOGETHER DESPITE HAVING BEEN BROKEN UP FOREVER AS PER THE CAGE MATCH IN 04. FUCK THIS GODDAMN COMPANY.
1/2*

In the back, JB is with 3D, and they both argue about the chance to be worlds champion. Fuck it, company is burning down before my eyes, give the title to D-Von.

in the back, Joe also says the same things he's been saying for months. DON'T CARE.

In the back, VKM also speak, BG does say TNA has banned man on woman's violence (guessing Benoit has put an end to it) so now they're got a new member to beat up Christy.

The new member is The Voodoo Queen" Roxxi Laveaux. I have no idea if she's good or not, but lets find out.

Match#2 Voodoo Kin Mafia w/Roxxi Laveaux vs Damaja & Basham w/Christy Hemme & Lance Hoyt
To keep the theme of this show bringing to boil every bad thing TNA has done since Russo took over, this is another 7 minute match between 4 terrible wrestlers. Vile, vile stuff. BG is super slow and bad throwing all his classics and forcing these guys to sell and bump for him. Billy is worse because as we know from the infamous Jay White match, he's a selfish cunt who eats everyone alive despite being a hideous wrestler. The Bashams cut them off and we get a bad control seg full of dull stuff, and attacks from Hoyt from the outside. Shit breaks down and BG brains one of them with a chair to steal the win.
1//6*

Post match, Roxxi beats the shit out of Christy. She seems ok.

In the back, JB is with Kurt.
-Kurt Angle says he has Joe's back tonight, and he's sorry that Joe is jealous of him, but that's his mom's fault for giving birth to greatness. THINK ABOUT IT. Kurt says he's got backup for tonight and it's shake and break time. Kurt is the saving grace of the last hour.

Hype for Storm/Rhino.

Before the match starts, Jackie tries to fight Rhino, so the ref throws her out of there. Rhino jumps Storm and shit is on.

Match#3 James Storm vs Rhino
Rhino is all mad and stuff and puts on the best angry ass kicking he's done since the Cage feud, and it's awesome as shit as he;'s throwing goddamn bombs at Storm. James's selling rocks, and he's also a tremendous brawler and meets Rhino blow for blow around the Impact Zone. Rhino smashes him head first into the wall and Storm just drops like a sack of shit. Rhino gets the beer bottle, but he tosses it away instead of using it in a great character moment. Rhino gets him back in the ring and the bell rings, but that all counts so whatever. Rhino keeps beating him up, and my Goodness is Storm on the fast track to being the best heel in the company. He finally manages to shove him off the top rope to the concrete, and takes over with a killer control seg working the bad neck of the big man with some nasty shots to it. He uses the rails to hurt him worse and punches the crap out of his neck, and just works at a level higher than 90% of anyone else in TNA. Rhino tries to fight back after hitting a Hail Mary Superplex, but he hits the ref by accident. They fight some more and Storm gets the beer bottle and breaks it over Rhino's skull in a motherfucker of a shot to get the win.
**3/4

Post match, Storm gets a rope from underneath the ring and beats down a bloody Rhino. He ties him to the ropes as Jackie comes out with a beer cooler. Storm smashes Rhino in the face with a chair, AND HE POUR BEER DOWN RHINO'S THROAT AND TAKES PHOTOS OF IT AS JACKIE POSES IN FRONT OF HIM. STORM DOES IT AGAIN AND THEN DRINKS SOME OF THE BEER FOR HIMSELF. AMAZING. Refs try to get him to leave but he comes back in and hits him in the face once again, and in a post Benoit world is that a hell of a horrible but insane sight to behold.

In the back, Lynn and Bob are interviewed. Jerry calls him "Bob" and Mr Backlund demands he call him MR. Jerry bitches about the kids playing games and jerking off, and they'll show them what a family looks like. Bob says they believe in family, no drugs and no throwing rubbish in the country. THEY'LL FIGHT FOR THE MAMAS AND BABIES AND THE YOUNG MEN. I'M DONE.

Hype for Guns/Bob/Lynn. Nash invents the MCMG hand symbol and calls them heroes. Shelley says Bob is a red head and shouldn't be allowed to live.

Penzer finally calls them the Guns, so it's all real now.

Match#4 Motor City Machine Guns w/Kevin Nash vs Bob Backlund & Jerry Lynn
Bob schools Sabin right away, and DW says Bob doesn't even drive as he'd rather walk 5 miles to anywhere he needs to go. Bob can still go in such a unique and incredible way that it never feels fake or forced when he's breaking out his classic holds and beating the snot out of this young punk ass kid. Lynn gets in and shows he's actually just old and lame as he does all the tired Jerry Lynn things as it's all he can do. The Guns thankfully double team him and spit in eyes to take over, and they show off with a super fun control seg being little shits beating and stooging on this old man as all young shitheads dream of doing. They tie him up in the tree of woe and kill him with dropkicks, AND BOB SNAPS AND GETS IN AND BEATS THEM BOTH UP AS HE CAN'T STAND ANYMORE OF THIS, AND ONCE AGAIN HE DOES SOME OF THE BEST LOOKING BASICS YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE AS HE'S A TRUE ALL TIMER. He suplexs Sabin over his head but Sabin lands on Lynn's knee when he lands to mess it up, and Nash sneaks in and kills Lynn with the big boot. The Guns breaks out AS/CS Rush to win.
**1/2

In the back, Kurt walks into a bathroom and finds Jay Lethal. He asks if he wants to watch his back, and Jay thinks he said "wash" and says that's a little too personal for him. Kurt calls an idiot and calms himself down. He says he bets he wants to feel like a champion, so he puts the titles on his shoulders and then kicks the hell out of him. He shoves him in a shower and then smacks his head off basin, AND THEN HIS GLASSES FALL OFF AND HE SAYS NOW HE'S REALLY MAD. HE PUTS THEM BACK AND SAYS HE SHOULD HAVE SAID "TANK YOU BUT NO THANK YOU" AND HE THROWS HIM THROUGH A TOILET STALL DOOR.

Hype for the mixed tag match.

Match#5 Eric Young & Gail Kim vs Robert Roode & Ms Brooks
EY and Gail make for a wonderful team as they're both fired up lunatics with chips on their shoulders, and they show by having their opening flurry be sick and cool as possible and it finishing with a double tope to the outside. EY and Roode fight once more and it's good as always, but the feud has lost it spark after last month's blowoff. Brooks helps to crotch EY so Roode can take over, and we get another super solid control seg, and like Storm before him, you can see why these two are (or should if TNA had actual sense) be leading the future along with Harris and Joe. Gail gets the hot tag and lights these goofs up before things break down as they tend to. Roode hits Traci with the elbow when Gail moves to kill her, and EY gets rid of him as Gail makes the pin for the win.
**

Post match, Roode freaks out and shoves her down and kicks her out of the ring. EY sneaks in and pulls his pants down and laughs, and i hope this means its over.

In the back, Christian and the boys are standing by. He says Harris wants to be a star and big time. Tonight is the night the champ puts him on the map. Chris has been since day fighting to be the top star, while he's been on top since he walked through the door. He's got all the things you need to be the top star. He's going to make Chris a top star, more famous than he's EVER wanted to be. He's the top star and leading man in TNA, and AJ asks if he has star power as well, and Cage says has has potential. AJ smiles like a big moron, and Tomko grabs him and screams to knock it off as they've got Sting and Abyss tonight! Cage calms it down, and Kurt walks on and kisses up to Cage about having things in common like people coming after him. He asks if he can borrow his guys, but Cage says they've got problems of their own so he's on his own. They walk off, and Sonjay walks on and asks for donations for ebola. Kurt says to stop worrying about world causes and worry about Kurt Angle. Dutt laughs, so Kurt says if he wasn't here he wouldn't have a job. Dutt says he loves him and understands him, so can you please donate. Kurt grabs breaks the Tamborine over his head and throws him into the locker, AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE AND SCREAMS "THIS IS FOR YOUR WORLD CAUSE YOU STUPID BASTARD" He said each word on the punches to make it even cooler and funnier. He drops some money on him and seemingly walks off, but he then comes back and takes the money and walks off. I love backstage Kurt so much.

Hype for Harris/Cage.

Match#6 Christian Cage vs Chris Harris
Cage tries to be an asshole and slap and mess with him because he's got no respect, but Harris takes the fight to him and dominates on the mat and shows he's maybe ready to hang more than Christian is willing to admit. Harris doesn't let up and breaks out a slap and some punches when Cage tries to bully him, and beats the shit out of him with a sick delayed suplex for a solid minute before he drops him. Cage tries to fight him on the outside where he's maybe got a better chance, but Harris hits a backdrop on the ramp with serious elevation to murder Cage's back. They get back into the ring where Harris keep owning him at every turn, but Cage is able to to trip him and crotch him against the post to tale over, and he hits a sick Uppercut off the top rope right to the side of the face to bash him worse. Awesome control seg as Cage is now turning the corner from great to another insane level that he'll keep for years to come. Everything he does looks tremendous and is mean and focused, and Harris works so hard to die on everything in his big singles shot given what the feud has been about. Chris fights back after being slapped and hits a gross bulldog to send Cage into to his forehead and starts reigning down massive punches, and breaks out the babyface top rope crossbody. Cage begs off and peepers in any shot he can get, but Harris won't die as he meets him at every turn and cuts him off with even bigger stuff. They move into a great finishing run where Harris steal the Unprettier for a near fall, and Cage is able use his skills to leap frog him and send him into the post and he hits the real one, but Harris kicks out!! Cage takes the buckle off and tries to use the exposed steel, but Harris slingshots him into it for another near fall. Cage rolls to the outside and hits him in the face with a chair and nails the Frogslash, AND HARRIS KICKS OUT. FUCK YEAH. A super fat bloated Dustin Rhodes shows up on top of the ramp and watches on, and DW says the last time he saw him he was teaming with AMW. Tomko comes down the ramp and distracts the ref, and Rhodes comes in the ring and punches Harris in the head with something and Cage gets the rollup to win. FUCK
***

A killer match with the clear chance to either have Harris win and make him the next big star, or have Cage take him to his limits and win the first one and build a rematch at BFG after Harris fights AJ and Tomko, and do the blowoff there in front of the biggest audience of the year. Nope, TNA decided to kill off Chris Harris for some horrible reason, and now he's going to feud with a drug addicted Dustin Rhodes in a gimmick so bad he refuses to ever speak about it again. Not to mention the fact, Harris is going to end up leaving in the next year and have his career killed and turned into a joke. GREAT WORK.

Also, just to make it funnier, TNA has to replay the finish as the camera missed the actual punch, and we see he had handcuffs in his hand.

Hype for AJ/Tomko vs Brothers in Paint.

In the back, Sting says the plan has finally come together and the tacks and tables were all worth it to get to this point. Abyss speaks again and says AJ and Tomko's blood is on his hands. Click Doomsday.

Match#7 AJ Styles & Tomko vs Sting & Abyss
AJ is now a coward who runs from Abyss, so Tomko makes him fight and he gets murdered with Abyss's mostly bad offence. Of course, he bumps like a lunatic and makes it all look perfect because he's maybe the best ever, but you get my point why this is all stupid. Sting and Tomko fight and that's super fun as well as Sting cares a ton, and Tomko is a force of a very good wrestler. The faces keep clocking them and doing cool babyface worse, but Tomko thankfully boots Abyss in his stupid face to take over. Awesome control work thanks to both of the heels being great, and it not being the last piece of shit match between Tomko and Abyss. AJ finally isn't afraid of Abyss and takes the fight to him, AND ALSO DOES JUMPING JACKS TO TAUNT STING WHEN HE TRIES TO HELP. HAHHAHAHA WHAT A KING. They keep being amazing but they play with their food for too long, and Sting gets the tag for a killer hot tag setting them ablaze as only Sting can. Sting shoves AJ off the ropes and forces him to hit a springboard summersault into Tomko and Abyss, and then Sting does his dive off the top onto everyone. He looks to have it won, but AJ breaks out the Pele to knock him down and isolate him. Fuck yeah, love that being a cool twist. AJ and Sting match up incredibly well and i can't wait for 09 (OH NO) and Tomko also does cool shit to him, and it's a ton of fun. Abyss gets the hot tag and throws his bad punches and looks awful as a fired up monster, but the heels once again die huge for him. AJ takes the Shock Treatment and bounces himself all the way up in the air. Sting gets back in AND BACKDROPS AJ OUT AND HIS FACES HITS THE APRON ON THE WAY DOWN JESUS MAN. Abyss hits the BHS to win.
**3/4

Post match, James Mitchell comes out and says there are debts that need to be repaid and doomsday has been clicked. Abyss pulls a very stupid face to close us out.

Hype for the main event.

In the back, Kurt tries to recruit Martyr & Havok but they laugh at him. He puts the titles down and beats the shit out of them with a stick and the title belts.

Match#8 Kurt Angle (c) & Samoa Joe (c) vs Team 3D (c) (TNA World Heavyweight Championship OR TNA X-Division Championship vs. TNA World Tag Team Championship)
Samoa Joe has been so badly handled that he actually can't drop D-Von with a series of forearms and is forced to go toe to toe with this old asshole. CHRIST. Kurt is also beaten up by D-Von, so i guess this dude is now the strongest man in the company. Bubba now gets in and ALSO beats up Kurt with some stiff shots and whatnot, but man what horrible booking from an all time horrible booker. Kurt fires back with Germans and works well with Joe for once as they work together to cut these jerks off and rightly beat the crap out of them as they damn well should be able to. 3D get back on track and isolate, wait for it, Samoa Joe. Granted, Bubba punched him in the dick, but like please, PLEASE stop doing this to one of the best wrestlers in the world to the point his peak is going to feel like a fever dream. The control itself is perfectly fine as 3D give a shit, and Joe can and will take a goddam beating when called upon and he does it as best he can. Kurt gets the hot tag and goes insane with suplexes and blows himself up again as he has zero restraint or gas at this point in his life, and it's truly sad. Things break down and 3D hit Kurt wth the 3D, and Rick Steiner pulls the ref out and fights D-Von, and Scott makes his return and knocks Bubba out with a pipe. Joe makes the pin, but Kurt attacks him like an asshole. Kurt hits Bubba with the Angle Slam, but Joe chop blocks him like he did to him, and makes the pin to win the tag titles by himself.
*

Horrible, horrible show

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-17/6/07
TNA X-Division Champion: Samoa Joe-21/6/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: Samoa Joe-15/7-07

Truly hate that the worst feud in the company has now found it's way into every fucking title scene, and it will stay this way for another TWO months.

TNA Impact
Jul 19th, 2007
Impact Zone

A genuinely awesome recap video of VR kicks us off.

Tonight. Christian/Storm vs Harris/Rhino. Joe lays out a SHOCKING challenge. XXX make their return to the ring.

In the back this happens

JB says Cornette wants to see Kurt in his office, but Kurt says he knows where to find him. He closes the lid and JB opens it again and says that won't fly with Jim, so Kurt says he's busy. HE THEN YELLS AT JB FOR LOOKING AT HIS PACKAGE AND JB SWEARS HE WASN'T, AND KURT COVERS HIS DICK SO JB CAN'T LOOK. AMAZING. Kurt says to tell Jim there's only one star in TNA and it's him, so he knows where to find him. He closes the lid and JB asks if he wants him to tell Jim he's too busy in a tanning bed, and Kurt yells at him again for looking at his package. WOULD YOU STOP IT. Tell him this is part of my maintenance program to be Kurt Angle. JB opens the lid again and asks if he knows what Joe is going to say, and Kurt says he's going to turn himself in for robbing him. He finishes by saying "Damn it's good to be Kurt Angle"

Match#1 XXX vs Raven & Serotonin
Again, zero idea how they're legally back together, but fuck it they're amazing as hell and i'm happy to have them back. Super awesome showcase for the fellas as they're meshing like no time has been lost and make these losers actually work hard and care. Raven hits Daniels with his stick to isolate him, and the ghouls put on a fun control seg beating his ass, and Daniels' selling is killer. Skipper takes Shane's head off before Ki makes the tag and lights them up. Raven gets taken out by Skipper, and then XXX
hit a Flying Legdrop, BME, and the Warrior's Way in succession to win.
**1/2

Post match, Kaz runs down and beats the dorks with a Kendo Stick, and then tackles Raven and beats his ass! He gets pulled off and runs away,

In the back, JB opens the lid once more and Kurt is on his side and now yells at JB for looking at his ass. JB once again swears he wasn't, and says Jim is going to fine him 10 thousand dollars if he doesn't show up. Kurt says thats like a suit him, but he's going to go. He gets out of the bed and his stuff is missing

'WHERE'S MY SUIT? WHERE'S MY TITLES. WHERE'S MY UNDERWEAR??????"

He looks JB up and down and asks if he's wearing his underwear, and JB deadpans he doesn't wear any. Kurt smiles at him and says "Ohhhhh, i got a, free baller" He says he's going to find the person messing with him, and he's going to mess with them.

In the back, Christian and the boys laugh at this being called a revenge match when he's going to pin him again. How many chances does this guy get?? It's a joke. The interviewer says Dustin Rhodes had something to do with this, and Cage says he doesn't need anyone's help, but Storm has his back. Storm is drinking a beer and Cage says to say something about Rhino. Storm mutters something like Boomhauer that no one can understand but AJ, so Cage makes him translate it. AJ says they're going to kick some ass and go out and drink beers.

3D come out talking shit to the fans calling them morons, so i guess they're finally heel. They confront Tenay and tell him to shut up and listen. The Steiner's ruined their nights of what could have been the greatest night ever by costing them the titles. They demand they show up next week to see if they have the nuts to get over the little injury of Scotty, and Mike loses it and says he nearly lost his life so how dare he call it little. D-Von starts to choke him as Bubba says he's going to get a little injury if he doesn't shut up. DW tries to defend him, but Bubba drags him across the table and threatens the blackshirts with a hammer. Very well done segement and a more than welcome change for these old dicks who are truly dead in the water as faces.

KURT IS NOW ADDRESSING THE ENTIRE LOCKER ROOM ABOUT HIS STUFF. He says this is sick. He sees open carders, mid carders and main event wannabess. Stealing is wrong and they need to find a new line of work. He sees future truck drivers and 7-11 workers, but he doesn't see his titles, suit or UNDERWEAR. He spots Shark Boy and yells at him for smiling at him, so he beats the shit out of him with uppercuts for it. LOVE that Kurt thinks he's an actual shark and doesn't realise it's a mask.

Match#2 Lance Hoyt w/Christy Hemme vs Kip James w/VKM
Oh goddamn it. Awful, awful opening flurry from Kip trying to do his classics but it's at half speed, and somehow worse than most of his entire career post and pre NAO. BG joins commentary and says 3D need to look their way for the best team ever. Lance posts him and beats him up, and it's pretty awful as he's regressed from ok to bad very quickly. Kip makes a comeback and wins with the fammasser.
1/2*

Post match, Christy tries to low blow Kip, but he catches it and feeds her to Roxxi once more.

In the back, Joe says he's going to make the biggest challenge in TNA history. You're all going to have to wait to find out. Gee, i fucking wonder who he could be talking about.

In another part of the Zone, Kurt has now invaded the producers room and is standing on the table, he asks them if they like what they're seeing. He says not to think for a second he's not going to beat a producer, a camera-man, a grip, or any other crew member. He knows all these blue collar guys don't make money and they can make a lot from his stuff, but that's WRONG. He turns his back and says he's going to count to ten and he wants his stuff back. and he makes them all say they understand. He hoists his undies all the way up so you can see his ass, and one guy says this is ridiculous and tries to leave so Kurt beats him up and says the meeting isn't over. He sits him back in a chair and kills him with an uppercut. He puts his glasses back and wishes them all a good day.

Match#3 Christian Cage & James Storm w/Tomko & Miss Jackie vs Chris Harris & Rhino
Harris is pissed and attacks Cage for another wonderful battle between them, and Rhino and Storm join the fray for some classic TNA chaos we all know and love. Also the best wrestling this show has had all night, so it's welcome on top of being great. Cage rips Rhino's hair and slams his head down in a wild moment, and Storm gets him to chase after him and Cage jumps off the apron with a lariat to take him out. We come back from the break with Rhino getting his ass kicked in a short but super fun control seg as Cage's growth to one of the best in the world is taking place before our eyes as his offence is super tight and amazing looking, and he's just moving and hitting differently than even a month ago. Storm throws in some cheap shots like a big jerk, and fits right in to the main event scene as TNA is creating future stars without actually planning on doing anything with them for years to come. Anyway, Rhino fights back against both of them and tags in Harris , AND HE WALKS DOWN STORM AND THEY FIGHT ONCE MORE AND IT'S AMAZING. He takes out Cage as well, but then it all breaks down into more insane fighting and close calls. Tomko drags the ref out, and Dustin Rhodes shows up and KILLS Harris with a gross chair shot to the back, and Storm makes the pin to steal it.
**3/4

Rhino tries to fight them all by himself like a dope, but Tomko crushes his face with a big boot. Cage signals for a beer and he and Storm share some over Rhino's body. Which is actually even more evil given Christian is well aware of Rhino's addiction as he spoke about last year, so holy shit. Abyss makes the save and chases them away, and Sting sneaks up behind Cage and sticks his bat between his legs and kills his balls. They beat him up until he runs away.

In the back, Jim has finally found Kurt, and drops an all timer on him "As crazy as a rainbow trout in a car wash if ya think i'm gonna let you go out in front of our fans lookin like that," Kurt says his clothes were stolen, so Jim says he has to cover up before he says anything and pay him his ten grand by Monday.

In the back, Cage and AJ are running away as Kurt demands they find the car, and AJ stops and is really confused and says "TRUCK. I'VE GOT A TRUCK" They go to get in, but Roode walks on and asks to take care of Abyss for him, but AJ says he's going to take care of him. Roode then asks about Sting, and AJ says he's going to take care of both of them. They argue until Cage breaks it up and tells AJ to leave him with him, AND AJ IS SUPER HAPPY AND GLOATS ABOUT DRIVING WITH CAGE. They get in and AJ asks what they want to listen to, and Cage says anything but country. Abyss pops up in the back and chases Cage away again.

Kurt now comes out in a robe, thongs and glasses. He says pranks are funny and this one as well, he's gotta admit. He's gone through everyone backstage and he can't come up with his stuff, and he now knows whose sick enough to steal his underwear and it's the fans who want to see it on Ebay for 2 grand. He's going to come out there and slap them all. HE WANTS HIS STUFF BACK. Samoa Joe now comes out with all three of his titles around his neck, but he also has Kurt's titles and clothes with him. He says he's no thief, he wants to put the last 9 months behind them. He wants to start the next chapter in their saga, so he's no thief. He gives him his titles back and says they've been head to head because they want to fight out whose the best in the world. Judging by all the gold, they're looking at the two best wrestlers in the world. He now gives him his suit back and says he knows damn well he didn't steal his underwear as he showed up in the building with those. Joe gets in his face and says he proposes they do this one more time at Hard Justice for ALL the gold. He wants to know if he's in, and offers his hand. Kurt thinks about it and takes his hand and hugs him. JOE HEADBUTTS HIM FIRST AND BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. HEY THAT WAS ACTUALLY SMART. He grabs a table and goes for the kill, but Kurt fights back and deadlifts him and slams him in the title and locks in the Angle Lock as Joe screams in pain to close the show.

Last awful segment aside that once again killed Joe's aura and our desire to see him in this feud, this was one of the funniest and best pure bullshit episodes of pro wrestling ever. A must watch for all.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-17/6/07
TNA X-Division Champion: Samoa Joe-21/6/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: Samoa Joe-15/7/07

TNA Impact
July 26th, 2007
Impact Zone

In the back, Cage arrives with AJ and Roode and a bunch of fat guys dressed in 'Cage Security" shirts. Christian says his job is to show up at the highest level possible, and just like every good he wants to do that and go home. Tomko walks in a door with his IWGP Tag title belt, and Cage yells at him for playing with a toy. He hired these guys to protect him as he's the goods. He demands AJ and Roode step up and be the stars he knows they can be, and they're going to beat Sting and Abyss tonight in their respective matches. Otherwise he's holding them responsible. Roode tells AJ he's going to hold up his end, so good luck. AJ is not happy.

Mike explains that both Sting/Abyss matches will be No DQ. Also, Kurt is going to see a therapist tonight.

Match#1 Robert Roode w/Ms Brooks vs Sting (No DQ)
Bobby jumps him to start and takes it to the Stever with his ever improving offence, and Sting sells big time before he no sells and kicks his ass as Sting will do to a motherfucker. Loads of head smashes and Sting being wildly fired up against a young prospect, and this is the best Sting has been for me in a year plus. They brawl on the outside and Roode takes some nutty bumps on ground for Sting, and gets mad at Brooks for it and uses her a shield. He gets a chair and smacks him across the back a few times and throws him back in. Good little control seg before fucking EY comes out dressed in Sting paint to cheer Sting on. GODDAMN HE WAS SCARED OF HIM, DON'T DO THIS TO ME. Anyway, Sting fires back after EY stops Roode from using a chair, and hits the Deathdrop to win.
**1/4

EY and Sting woo as Roode and Brooks argue.

We go to a TERRIBLE interview with Rhodes and Mike as Dustin says he played Goldust like no could and he was that character and entertainer. He says Chris Harris isn't ready to be at the top and he has ovaries and stealing spots, and that was his spot. He starts crying and says he has another side of him no one has ever seen, and no one wants that to come out. He punches himself a bunch of times and says it's time.

Kurt tells his therapist that his mother loved him more than his other siblings and who could blame her as he was special when he was three years old. He was beating up every 6 year old on the block. He wasn't a bully, he was just better than everyone else. His siblings were losers who jealous of him. His sister taught at an orphanage for kids with no parents. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW LOW HER PAY WAS. Do you wan to wear suits or take care of orphans. He picked the suits. We come back to him talking about how amazing he was in school at spots and all the hot girls and not the skanks like the ones in the Zone wanted to be in his pants. Even his wife knows it's an honour to be Mrs Angle. His kids know if they don't live up, it's out the door. Hell, maybe he'll make them go to the orphanage.

Match#2 Motor City Machineguns vs LAX
Oh my God yes. The Guns stay heel and jump them like cowards and knock Hernandez to the floor, and we get amazing fired up Homicide fighting these pricks with all the heart he has. They beat the crap out of him with a ton of cheating and double teams, and Ci is such a wonderful babyface. He gets free and tags in the big man who slingshots Sabin when he gets in, and murders them with his scary power. The Double teams gets him as well, but Ci makes the save and they finally get Shelley alone and beat his face in. Sabin makes the save this time and fights Ci for a minute or so and rocks. They go up top and Ci shoves Sabin onto Hernandez' shoulders, and Ci hits a super Ace Crusher to win.
**3/4

Team 3D come out and get in LAX's face as the crowd fully side with LAX, thankfully. D-Von says they beat their asses and made them hasbeens, so get out of here. hahahahahah the fuck. LAX leave as D-Von calls out the Steiner's to meet them. They come out and Scotty calls Bubba a fat ass and says he loves Puerto Ricans as they saved his life, and he respects Puerto Ricans. Bubba talks some shit, so Scotty tells him to let his thyroid get out of control so he can gain more fat cells. He was fighting for his life after getting kicked in the throat and being told he had 5 hours to live, that scared the hell out of him and it was humbling. He thanks everyone again including the fans for supporting him. Bubba says he didn't show up because he knows they're better than them every day of the week. He moves the chain mail and says he can't see a scar on his throat and he thinks he's a liar and scared. Scotty his shirt off (yes, he was wearing one) and shows a nasty scar on his back as he says the thyroid burst and is cutting off brain cells. He says he got cut through his back to save his life, and he couldn't fly. Bubba calls it a paper cut, and Scotty demands a match because they're bingo hall champions.

VKM now come out and say they're invitation must have got lost in the mail. He says the best team in wrestling history just got in the ring as they put wrestling on the top of the world. Scotty cuts him off and says they might have been on top of the WWF, but that was on top of crap. WCW kicked their asses for 84 weeks straight, and these fat fucks don't belong in the ring with them. Bubba screams to stop calling him fat. Scotty challenges them to a fight, and all 4 heels beats the shit out of Rick and make Scotty watch. 3D choke Rick with the flag, BUT LAX MAKE THE SAVE AND TAKE EVERYONE OUT AND SAVE THE STEINERS. HOLY SHIT YEAH 5150

In the back, Kurt says all he did here was beat people up and give them more exposure than ever. You take him out of TNA and they draw 50 people at most, and he's taking all the credit because people think of him as Gandhi or MLK. His dream is that everyone will come to respect him as the hero he is. KEVIN NASH'S VOICE IS HEARD AS HE SAYS THAT'S GREAT AND VERY TOUCHING, AND WE SEE KURT IS LAYING IN THE TANNING BOOTH. HE ASKS IF HE CAN GET IN AND SHOWS HE'S GOT HIS UNDERWEAR ON AS WELL. KURT TELLS HIM TO CLEAN UP WHEN HE'S DONE.

Match#3 AJ Styles vs Abyss (No DQ)
AJ STARTS THIS OFF RIGHT WITH A FLYING FOREARM AS THE BIG GOOF IS POSING. He hits him and poses himself, but then he gets shitcanned and murdered for his troubles as Abyss unloads a sick beating against his old foe. Abyss breaks out a sick Gorilla press slam with one arm, but AJ is able to get free, but he runs right into being backdropped to the floor. We come back from the break with AJ in control being amazing as hell, and we see he brained Abyss with a chair and hit the forearm in the crowd to take over. They turn it into a back and forth and AJ gets thrown face first into a chair and takes with ZERO protection, and then he gets killed with a Shock Treatment for a 2.9 count. AJ won't die and fires off the Pele and goes for the Froearm again, but he gets caught for a sick chokeslam for another near fall. Abyss nails the spinning BHS, but Tomko runs down to save and beats him up. The lights go out and Sting makes the save and beats them up. Abyss goes to get the tacks, but arms come out from the ring and drag Abyss under as he screams in fear. Roode now comes down and fights Sting with the others. Abyss comes out covered in blood and we see Cage on top of the stage as Mike and DW wonder who did it. Christian gets in and dumps broken glass on the mat, and Tomko hits him with the chokebomb on them. AJ and Roode throw Abyss back in, and AJ gets another back which has tacks this times. Tomko chokebombs him, and AJ jumps on top to win.
**

Post match, the Collation pose over Abyss and Sting. AJ and Roode argue as they try to get their poses in and stand closer to Cage.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-17/6/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Samoa Joe-21/6/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: Samoa Joe-15/7/07

TNA Impact
August 2nd, 2007
Impact Zone

Joe arrives from a training camp according to Tenay.

In the back, Cornette is yelling at Christian and the Collation about last weeks attack on Abyss, and demands to know if Cage was behind it all. Cage swears he's came out there to watch because he was interested, and he doesn't even know what they keep under the ring. Jim calls him a liar, and makes Cage and AJ vs Sting and Abyss in a Ladder match with a contract above the ring for a match with Abyss at HJ. If Cage wins, he can rip the contract up and never face him again, but if Abyss wins he gets to pick the rules for the match. Corny kicks them out of the room and locks the door. Kurt Angle arrives with his young daughter carrying a suitcase and Karen Angle carrying all his belts. He yells at his kid for dropping the suitcase and tells them to hurry up because he has stuff to do. Cage comments on Karen's nice belts, and says she can hold Tomko's toy one. AJ is very confused as to why Kurt is married to a 5 year old, and JB has to explain it was the tall lady.

Match#1 Team 3D vs Chris Harris & Eric Young
The fans now have signs making fun of Bubba for being a fat pig. 3D jump Harris from behind like coward and dish out an actual fun beating as them turning heel has given new life to them. Harris fights back and smokes them as TNA hasn't killed him off quite yet, and it's good times. DW talks about all the momentum that Harris gaining and how he's becoming a star, and hey this is very sad given what we know. EY gets in on the fun and Bubba takes big bumps and is way better as being a fat shithead getting his ass haded to him. D-Von trips him to let them take over, and 3D's control seg is quite good as they're throwing great looking strikes. Dustin Rhodes runs down and tries to hit Harris with a chair, but Chris catches him and beats his ass and they fight off. EY fights 3D by himself and gets killed real fast. 3D HIT A FUCKING SPIKE PILEDRIVER ON HIM TO WIN. HOLY SHIT.
**1/4

Post match, Roode and Brooks come down to the ring for another feud that won't die, and Roode kicks EY's ass for maybe the 100th time this year. Bobby yells at him for embarrassing him, so he tars and feathers him to get him back for it.

JB-
-Joe says he's put himself through more than training for this one shot. He makes his declaration of war and no kids or wives will make a difference. He will go through them to get to him.

In the back, JB finds Kurt and the family buying some food. Kurt asks Karen if she wants a coffee and she says yes, so he tells her they're over there and to get one as she needs the exercise. JB says Joe is coming for them, and Kurt says it won't be the first time they've taken the bullet for him. DEAD. The kid asks for a candy bar, and Kurt asks her if she wants to be fat like Joe, or have thunder thighs like mommy. She is pissed, but Kurt keeps calling her fat and says there's a million women who want to be Mrs Angle, so get it right. He makes them leave with him as he calls her rolly polly.

BOUND FOR GLORY ON THE 14TH OF OCTOBER FROM ATLANTA.

Match#2 Senshi & Christopher Daniels w/Elix Skipper vs Jay Lethal & Sonjay Dutt
Hell yeah, this is what we've needed for months. The faces go on a killer flurry to start and we get big dives from both of them. MCMG come down to film the match and scout. Ki fakes an ankle injury so Daniels can attack Jay from behind to take over, and XXX's control seg is just like old times with it being super violent and cool as hell. Loads of Jay dying over and over as they cut him off and beat his face in. Jay finally gets free and tags in Dutt for a super fun hot tag as he's uncorked for the first time in a long time, and goes insane on all of them with killer dives and big bombs, Dutt nails the Slumdog on Ki and has it won, but Skipper shoves Lethal off the top when he tires the elbow, and XXX swarm Dutt and kill him. Ki nails Warriors Way and then Daniels follows with BME to win.
**3/4

Post match, XXX and the Guns argue. PLEASE.

In the back, Sting says payback time is coming at HJ, and maybe they have a surprise for them. Abyss kills this by saying there will be no more surprises as retribution begins tonight.

In the back, Kurt has bought Karen and JB to Dr Nash's office so he can psychoanalyse her. He screams at her touching his titles as they're not toys, I CAN PLAY WITH THEM AND YOU CAN'T. He accuses her checking out Nash's package, and Kev says he doesn't want to cause problems but he was feeling uncomfortable. Kurt says not only is she fat, but she's a slut too. He's got problems man because he makeup makes her look like a circus clown. Nash says he can squeeze her in on Monday, and Kurt deadpans he'll need grease to get her though the door. She says she has an appt on that day, and Kurt once again kills it by telling her that liposuction can wait as the cottage cheese will be there on Tuesday, He keeps making fun of her big butt and calls her a disgrace as he leave. Kev says he's no gold medalist, but he's got nice acting just starting, and he hopes she can see his films. She says all the wrestlers are the same and leave. Kev says Kurt was right about her ass from this angle, TOOTS.

Match#3 AJ Styles & Christian Cage vs Sting & Abyss (Ladder Match for a match with Christian, or the chance to rip the contract up)
Big brawl to start and the natural pairs meet up and it rocks again watching Cage and Sting fight. Abyss turns the tide and kills them, and Sting helps out with a sweet crossbody off the top and the faces are all fired up. They use the ladder first to clobber some brains, and the heels take some wild bumps. In a funny moment, Teney tries to show us what happened during the break, but the video fucks up and we see nothing. Cage and Sting go up and fight over, and Sting jumps off with smashes his face off. He goes back up, AND AJ NAILS THE FOREARM TO THE RIBS TO KNOCK HIM OFF. AJ and Abyss now fight on top for a fun shot battle before Abyss chokeslams him off. Tomko comes out and hits Abyss with a chair, AND ANDREW MARTIN AKA TEST MAKES HIS DEBUT AND SIDES WITH THE FACES. He decks Tomko with a punch to send him into a ladder and knocks Cage to the floor for a wicked bump. He then boots Tomko in the face with his sick big boot, and follows up by catching AJ coming at him and throws him to the heels on the outside. He stands guard as Abyss climbs up and gets the contract down to win.
**

Truly a super fun debut, so kudos.

In the back, Martin says the sides are now even. He's been watching at home as Cage as been running rampant for too long. He's teaming with a legend and the future, and there's a new enforcer in TNA. The Punisher, Andrew Martin.

Kurt and Karen make their way out as Kurt says he's the most misunderstood man in pro wrestling. A loving compassionate and caring father. A loving compassionate and caring husband, and DW asks if he has another family. He says Karen is going to answer some questions about him, which will be easy as she never shuts up. He says he knows it's hard to live in his shadow, but how does it feel to his wife. She won't answer, so he wonders if her mouth is full of cookies again. Joe comes out and calls him a horses ass. He storms the ring as Kurt uses Karen as a shield and asks if he's going to hit a woman. Karen gets free and says the last 12 years have been a living hell as he treats them all like dogs on the street. She's wanted to say this for 12 years. Kurt grabs the mic and yells at her, but Joe snatches it back and tells her to talk. She tells Kurt she's sick of him, his titles, and his stupid gold medals. She tells him to stick it up his ass as their marriage is OVER. She leaves the ring. Joe says he's going to take the tiles and maybe even the clothes off his back. Maybe he does it right now, and he tackles him and beats his ass and rips his suit off.

In a classic LOLTNA moment, they now air a video confirming it will be the Steiners vs 3D at HJ. Also, Storm says Rhino wants to face him a in BAR BRAWL and that's ok with him. Rhino swears revenge for what he's done to him.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

TNA World Heavyweight Campion: Kurt Angle-17/6/07
TNA X-Division Champions: Samoa Joe-21/6/07
TNA World Tag Team Champions: Samoa Joe-15/7/07

TNA Impact
August 9th, 2007
Impact Zone

We open in Jim Cornette's office as he's being interviewed by Leticia, and we can see former WWE Stuttering giant Matt Morgan standing in the corner with a suit on. 3D walk on and talk some shit, and Morgan gets in Bubba's face! Bubba demands their rematch given it's a 30 day clause per the contract. So, he wants Joe to get a partner and give them their rematch. Bubba says after they get done with Homicide and Kip James tonight (not sure what he means, but ok) he wants his damn titles back. Jim says he's not sure why that say Bubba never exercise when his mouth is getting a hell of a workout. He will make an announcement on the titles after the PPV. He leaves, and D-Von says they're not waiting and they're going to do it how they always do.

TONIGHT WE HEAR FROM ADAM PACMAN JONES. OH NO

In the ring, Jim is standing by with Morgan standing on the outside. He's about to announce a 6 man for the PPV when Christian and the boys come out to interrupt him. Cage says he was minding his business like he always does when he heard him talking about a 6 man. Cage says he has nothing against it and it's good work if you can get it, but it's not his bag. He's the real worlds champion and all the fans want to know when he's getting his rematch. Jim says he needs to worry about Abyss whose speaking and demanding matches, and he's come up with a doozy. A DOOMSDAY CHAMBER OF BLOOD MATCH. The ramblings of an insane lunatic who wants to break his neck. It will take place in the 6 sides of steels with barbed wire on the top so they can't run away. The only way to win is to pin a man AFTER you make him bleed. The winner will become the #1 contender for the worlds title and get their match in September. Christian says he hates this, but he's going to win and get his title back. Sting don't have the sacks to say this to their faces and there will be hell to pay if he sees any of them. The lights go out and the faces show up and kick the shit out of them.

In the back, a super depressed Kurt arrives in a messy suit. He says he just spoke to his divorce lawyer and he asks JB for a hug. He cries in JB's arm, and JB asks when the last time he took a bath was. Kurt calls him a heartless bastard and goes to find Kevin Nash as he understands him.

Tonight. Kip James & D-Von vs Rick Steiner & Homicide. A Clockwork House of Fun match.

They air a video on Pacman Jones, and basically he's an NFL player who keeps getting arrested for doing shit like shooting up a strip club, betting on games and lots and lots of cocaine. TNA bought him for the headlines, but the catch is the NFL team he played for got a restraining order that basically forbid him from ever taking a single bump or get hit with anything that might injure him and fuck up his football career. Not that he wasn't doing a fine job of that himself, but you get my point. So we now have a dude who can't actually do anything wrestling related being pushed because he's a shithead famous guy. LOLTNA as always.

Match#1 Raven, James Storm & Robert Roode vs Kaz, Chris Harris & Rhino (Clockwork House of Fun)
Mike says it will be Raven vs Kazt the PPV. Also, Roode vs EY in a loser gets tarred and feathered. FUCK. Kaz gets jumped at he walks down and shit breaks down right away with tons of nasty plunda shots to the face that bust the faces open, and once again Beer Money look incredible hanging out as future top wrestlers of TNA. Harris turns the tide with a trash can to the heels and messes them up with wicked shots, and targets Raven's brain and clobbers him. He stop and comes face to face with Storm, and they kill each other with a series of insane trash can shots to the face. Raven turns back the clock by elbowing the drop to Kaz through a table to the floor. KAZ TRIES A TOPE AND GETS A TRASH CAN TO THE FACE FROM STORM. HOLY SHIT YEAH. Rhino pays tribute to Benoit by killing Roode with an unprotected shot to the skull in a scary moment. He chases after Storm and they fight off to the back. Harris fights back against the other two and looks amazing once more, but Traci jumps on his back to take him away from the fight. KAZ DROPKICKS RAVEN INTO A TABLE AND THE BACK OF HIS HEAD CRACKS OFF IT AND HE'S OUT COLD. ROODE HITS KAZ IN THE GUT WITH A HAMMER AND HITS THE PAYOFF TO WIN.
**3/4

In the back, Leticia is outside Joe's locker room trying to see a special guest he has bought with him. She opens the door and is in shock.

BLACK REIGN IS COMING. NOOOOOOO

In the back, Kurt cries to Nash about all that he has lost this week, including his MANSHIP. He still has some titles, his gold and his shoes. Nash jumps off the couch and yells at him that he's perfect and there is nothing wrong with him. It's everyone else. He's perfect and not a bad looking man either. NOT THAT MATTERS. Kurt cries more and says he's going to pass out. JB leaves with Kev, and Nash asks who the guest is and JB whispers it to Nash, and he says Kurt doesn't need that.

Match#2 Homicide & Rick Steiner vs Kip James & Brother D-Von w/Roxxi
Rick somehow looks in even worse shape than the last match he was in, and all his shots on Kip are pretty bad looking, and he's sucking wind quick fast. He keeps being in the ring and doing awful looking stuff, and it's sad. Ci has a fun hot tag on his end, but these old cruds suck at selling and bumping, so it's all for naught. He ends up getting tripped by D-Von and eats the Famasser to lose. Fuck off.
1/3*

Post match, all the other partners run down and brawl. Don't care.

In the back, Joe says all is fair in love and war.

Joe makes his way out and introduces Karen Angle as his guest because of course he's actually this stupid now. God, i hate 2007 post ROH Samoa Joe, and no one should ever feel like this but god willing TNA has done it. He says he's going to take Kurt's livelihood and wants her there at the PPV. Kurt comes out all despondent and shit, and says he's sorry for all the things he's done and he regrets them all and he wants another chance. He offers to melt down the medals for a bracelet if she gives him another chance. He gets on his knees as he keeps begging and shitting on the fans for booing this. She says it's over and walks off. Joe makes fun of him for all of this like a dick, and says he's getting tremendous pleasure from all of this, and Kurt bought this on himself and he will be broken.

3D now comes out and call Joe a homewreaker as Kurt is a good man trying to get his family back. Bubba says he's here to get what he stole back, so he can give them back like a good Samoan Boy. Joe lays the titles down at their feet and says he put them down because they're going to have a hard time picking them up. He fights them, but Kurt hits him with a title and helps 3D beat the shit out of him. He locks in the Angle Lock as Bubba whips him with a title belt. D-Von cracks a chair over his face, and the Steiners run down to make the save and clean house.