Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #1004
Kevin Nash vs. The Outlaw
Taped Fists First Blood Match
TNA Destination X - March 13, 2005​

Finally for this show, we take a look at TNA's failed attempt to make a credible main eventer out of Billy Gunn! Oh, sorry, "The New Age Outlaw", because WWE owns that name. Oh, sorry, "The Outlaw", because WWE owns that name too. Oh, sorry, "Kip James", because WWE watched Destination X and judged the name was too similar. A DUD from Dave and 2.67/10 from Cagematch. Wonder why this didn't work out, apart from the name issue?

Gunn's theme is an obvious Ass Man ripoff. Still a more convincing ripoff than the one of "Still DRE" that Nash has. What do you think a Kevin Nash vs. Billy Gunn match would be like? Stand-up punching? Indeed. Nash does some corner elbows and that long-leg boot choke. Gunn briefly recovers with knees but Nash clotheslines him. Then Gunn starts yanking Nash's bad knees over the apron. The Ultimate X structure gets abused again, this time to hurt Nash's leg. Gunn digs into a toolbox to get a screwdriver and threatens to jab it into Nash's eye. Who in the TNA writer's room loved screwdriver-based eye trauma. It's not the last time that will come up. Nash catapults Gunn TO THE OUTSIDE and begins the furniture face-bashing.

Ref tries to stop Nash from using a chair, for some strange reason. Gunn punches Nash in the cock to even it back up. Gunn nails Nash with the chair but Nash gets his hands up so he's safe from bleeding. Back to the toolbox for Gunn who gets wire cutters and exposes the buckle. Ref again forgets it's No DQ and tries to stop it. Both men try to bash each other's faces into the metal. Big boot by Nash but Snake Eyes countered and Gunn shoves Nash into the referee! That's right, it's a patented Russo REF BUMP! Nash eats buckle, but doesn't bleed. Nut shot to Gunn, and two Snake Eyes to a second exposed buckle busts Gunn open. While Nash tries to wake the ref, Jeff Jarrett shows up and blasts Nash with the belt, and some guy in a coat cleans Gunn off and stops the bleeding. When the ref's out, he sees Nash and calls it.

Traaaaaaash. What is with Russo's obsession with subverting First Blood rules? It's never good. The match sucked too, obviously.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1005
Generation Me vs. Matt Hardy/Eric Bischoff
TNA Impact Wrestling - May 19, 2011​

Might as well log this one in the bad match thread, because I'm still meant to be clearing that out. Fuuuuuck. I've not got enough time to do all this before I cancel my sub.

So yeah, we start off with Matt Hardy vs. Nick Jackson (no, I'm not using their TNA names). The basics to kick off, arm wringers, headlocks, shoulderblocks. Nick does a dropkick to get edge. He grabs the arm and the Bucks do a double team move or two including a stomp to the wrung arm. Seemingly out of nowhere Hardy hits the Side Effect a couple of times. On goes a cravate, and I'm fine with these neck rest holds as it sets up the Ice Pick which is a cool move. Nick fights up and the Bucks do a headscissors/dropkick thing. Matt (Jackson) goes for ground-and-pound but Bisch gets a boot in. A bit of Poetry in Motion from the Bucks, then Nick pounds and Bisch gets another kick off.

Hardy takes advantage with his power and does a suplex. Matt J hits a jawbreaker and tries something else but Matt H does a sleeper slam which is a very nice move. He wants to tag Bisch in but Nick hits a splash off the top to the back for two. Nick goes for the big 450 Splash but Matt H gets his knees up. Now Matt J is trapped in the Ice Pick, and Matt H decides he wants to scream while he does the submission. NOW he tags in Bisch, and Matt H holds Matt J up... you Don't Know This Spot, as Bisch does manage to get in his karate kicks before pinning Matt J with a rather well-applied cradle for three.

Not awful, actually, except in its concept. A massive vote of no confidence in the Bucks for no real reason.

 

[Loochblade]

Not awful, actually, except in its concept. A massive vote of no confidence in the Bucks for no real reason.

Yea, they were out the door anyways at that point. Wasn't this one of their last matches in the company?

 

[Sky]

Entry #1006
Shane Sewell vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir
TNA Genesis - January 11, 2009​

My interest in 2011 is flagging badly so let's get some of this shit done! And Genesis '09 has some juicy turd nuggets ready to dig out and god I don't want to continue that AVGN-esque metaphor. What I'm trying to say is that I'm covering three of the matches on this show for this thread. Genesis 2009 had some awesome matches (Shelley vs. Sabin, Angle vs. Jarrett No DQ) but it had some dreadful ones too! This is apparently the least dreadful of the dreadful ones, but it's still a referee feuding with a guy with a 9/11 in his entrance music. Let's get stuck in!

Most of Shane's wrestling career is in Puerto Rico and naturally this means he kicks it off with a good old punchfest. Bashir's got to run TO THE OUTSIDE so Shane follows him for BOTO. Furniture bashing my beloved... At least Bashir's more mobile than a WCW guy. Earl Hebner doesn't seem to happy with his fellow ref's conduct. A quick roll-up by Shane is followed by a shoving match. Shane can at least do a good armdrag. Bashir takes a bit of control, screams "ALLAH" for no reason, and then eats a crossbody for two. He runs back to the outside again but gets clobbered on the ramp. Shane eats an atomic drop on the guardrail, Bashir scurries back in and demands a count-out.

We're finally back in the ring and Bashir is getting heat. I'll be generous and say the chinlock that's going on is focusing the neck, as he does a neckbreaker before. It's probably just a rest hold though. Shane starts no-selling and teases a comeback but sucks up a spinebuster for two. Bashir starts to focus Shane's spine, and so the rest hold of choice this time is a waistlock. Shane stumbles over himself (in a botch way) to hit Bashir with a running chop. Now time for Shane's comeback and he does, of all things, a step-up elbow drop to the penis. Bulldog for two, then Shane goes up top for a crossbody for another two. On goes a Charlotte-style Figure Four (the place, not the person) that ends in a rope break.

Shane gets hotshot into the top rope and Bashir lays in punches. He has an argument with Hebner over closed fists, tries to punch the ref, but gets slapped around himself. REFEREE CHASE SPOT! Time for Shane to recover and get a lariat. Sunset flip, with Hebner giving a RAPID count, gets the win. All the refs celebrate with Shane right in front of an elevated camera. Wholesome right there.

Yeah, gotta say this wasn't great. Mostly the basics, though the referee chase did pop me. The sad thing is that it gets worse from here.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1007
Taylor Wilde/ODB/Roxxi vs. The Kongtourage
TNA Knockouts Championship #1 Contender's Match
TNA Genesis - January 11, 2009​

The main attraction here is a match that warranted minus 2 stars from Dave. It's amazing how in the time between Gail Kim leaving and Tara arriving, the wheels fell off so badly. Now Awesome Kong's title reign isn't on the big show and she just gets to watch three of her main challengers mess about with her goon squad, including two talentless nothings and an actually good wrestler forced into a burqa. Oh yeah, and it's a singles title contendership decided through a six-woman tag. Why can't you just be normal, Russo?

Taylor vs. Sojo Bolt to start off, and Taylor's so clearly trying to manipulate this stiff's body to do moves. We don't get any fun wrestling stuff with Raisha Saeed (Cheerleader Melissa), mostly her selling. Roxxi does a Reinera though which is nice. As soon as Raisha gets some stuff off on ODB, she just tags in Rhaka Khan. Rhaka is the tallest member of the heel team but doesn't work tall. Or indeed, well. Ref distraction and Taylor is dragged out to get beaten up by the heels. They keep teasing the possibility of heels sabotaging each other for their own title ambitions but the heels are cohesive so far. Really fun spot with Taylor trying to slide through Raisha's legs but Raisha grabbing her leg. Surfboard stomps, then Sojo comes in with an elbow to the back of the head.

Crowd doesn't care about anything but ODB. Sojo rest hold ends when Taylor escapes and does a bulldog for a double down. ODB is the house on proverbial fire and slams everyone. She can't slam Rhaka so does her fallaway slam and kip-up instead. Powerslam on Raisha for two. Match breaks down into brawling and the crowd does not pop at all. Roxxi tries to hold two heels for a Taylor crossbody but trips over herself. Raisha attacks ODB but gets caught in a small package for a really flat three. Out comes Kong for the requisite staredown and a really botchy brawl with all seven women.

Booked like a piss break, worked like a piss break, Rhaka Khan sucks, the finish was lame, the crowd didn't care - what is happening to ODB's division?

 

[Sky]

Entry #1008
Sting (c) vs. Rhino
for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship
TNA Genesis - January 11, 2009​

We finish off our look at Genesis '09 with a main event that strangely fails to break the 1-star mark. Sting, a man who clearly didn't want to be in a heel faction, is in the Main Event Mafia but also doesn't like the Main Event Mafia leader and gets pops anyway. Rhino was attacked and is bloody with a hurt back. Recipe for a glorified angle, right there.

Earl Hebner gets booed, despite all the good work he did in Shane's match. Rhino doesn't care about his injuries, he just wants to brawl Sting up. Crowd is booing him despite being the face. TO THE OUTSIDE where Rhino favours the back while gently furniture-bashing. Sting dodges a charge and Rhino eats guardrail so now Sting's on top. Rhino takes a belt shot indirectly when Sting bashes his face into the announce table. He then goes up top but Sting "nope" shoves him off. When Rhino manages to crawl back in Sting puts on a bearhug (because Charlotte never left the '70s behind). Rhino battles out but Sting gets in a gut shot and puts on another. Crowd loves Sting despite him playing heel and slowing the match to a crawl.

Rhino gets a shoulderblock off and does his comeback, hitting a belly-to-belly for two. GORE GORE GORE but Sting rolls out. Tenay tries his hardest to explain that this isn't a real Gore because it wasn't the finish. Rhino goes up top and just finds mat. Really lightly applied Scorpion Deathlock, Rhino tries to get a rope break but Sting drags him back. He tries to reapply it but Rhino kicks away. Belly-to-belly, then a far-too-slow Gore which Sting obviously dodges. Scorpion Death Drop finishes it. Sting gets cheered and heads off. Why is he in the Main Event Mafia again?

Turgid stuff. Rhino slowed down every move to sell his back, but sold pretty much nothing else. So much time wasting, so much WCW main event-tier stuff, brawling on the outside and rest holds. The crowd didn't care for heel Sting and it showed.

 

[CFCrusader]

Entry #936
Bully Ray vs. Raj Dhesi
Tables Match
MLP Forged in Excellence - October 19, 2024​

Note: this entry was written on October 25, 2024.

I normally try to avoid Bad Matches that are from the same calendar year, so as not to knee-jerk into "this is the worst match of the year" and pre-empt my own anti-awards (nominations open December 1 as usual, though by the time you see this the winners will already be announced). But I was watching through MLP's excellent Forged in Excellence show and this match came up. A match that the Cagematch hivemind hated. Its current 0.91/10 rating suggests that this is worse than, for example, Piper vs. Mr. T, the Kennel from Hell, the Yapapi Indian Strap Match, and both Orton/Wyatt Mania matches. And I thought I might as well save myself a bit of work for the future, right? So here it is. The first "bad" match of this young company's existence. Is it that bad, or is it just misunderstood?

We kick off with Bully Ray backstage, promoing to camera. I remember when "do you know who I am" was beginning as a catchphrase. I was there. He's got the audacity to call Jinder (and yes, I will call him Jinder throughout this match) a fraud ex-World Champ. He wants Sam Leterna to announce both his WWE and TNA Halls of Fame, and that he's a damn handsome man. Seems he forgot that he's also in the Hardcore Hall of Fame. After Jinder's entrance, Bully gets Sam to tell everyone to sit down and shut up. He threatens to leave if they shout Maharaja any more which is a great heel move. He then continues to insist that Jinder will never put him through a table. That's what begins the match.

Jinder's got the edge right away, punching all around and hitting a high knee. Bully's dumped TO THE OUTSIDE and so we continue to there. Crowd wants tables already, despite being guaranteed tables later. Impatient Canadian fucks I tells ya. After a slight BOTO phase Bully uses Sam as a human shield before pie-facing Jinder and using a mic on him. Bully goes to shit-talk Scott D'Amore's mother but Jinder uses this to take advantage. Out come a chair and a couple of kendo sticks. But he can't use it when Bully counters with an eye gouge. Bully lays in a few kendo stick shots and heels it up for the crowd. He then uses the stick to stab Jinder's throat. More shots at Scott's mother.

Bully's been clashing with the ref through his heat, and eventually seems to calm down before BUMPING THE REF. If there was ever a match to do a ref bump in, it's this! Jinder beins the caning, slams Bully... and tells the ref to GO UP TOP! A REF WAZZUP SPOT!! "My Balls" -Bully, as in every match. The ref and Jinder do a "get the tables" together!! "Sam, get here and take care of my balls" -Bully. That could easily be taken out of context. Bully shoves Raj into the ref which bumps him AGAIN, which means the resulting chokeslam table bump doesn't count. QT Marshall is out with a chain, clocking Jinder with it and pulling him into the table wreckage. That's good enough for the ref! Bully wins! He's about to clock Jinder with the chair until BHUPINDER comes out for the save.

GREEN MATCH. FUCK YOU CAGEMATCH. YOU'RE WRONG. YOU'RE SO WRONG. The purest of pure sports entertainment.

I'm really late to this, but nonetheless this is a nice write-up of the match. I was also shocked to see the Cagematch score. I think I gave it a 4. The match is alright, fairly entertaining at points (the ref wazzup spot is hilarious).

If only Bully could stfu and get on with it. He gets heat, does it a bit more, and then it starts to get a bit uncomfortable. And then later in the match he wants more heat (the comment about his balls to Sam was weird imo). If only Scott had told Bully he has a strict time limit