Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #1089
Mickie James (c) vs. Angelina Love
for the TNA Knockouts Championship
TNA Slammiversary IX - June 12, 2011​

As a fan of women's wrestling, it's sad to see how Dave called a string of women's title matches on PPV as DUDs. This is one of them. I doubt it's unfair, though, because the hivemind is kinder to women's wrestling and they still rate it a 2.67/10. Mickie duking it out with zombie Angelina, who's under the spell of Winter. Let's see it, then.

Aw, Christy. She hasn't quite gotten the hang of ring announcing yet. Angelina starts with hair-tossing, and so both women go for a hair-pull. Remembering she has to wrestle a little Angelina works the arm. Mickie does her headscissors but a distraction by Winter lets Angelina do a suplex. Mickie blows a kiss to Winter so Winter drags her out and drops her on her back on the floor. This is amazingly sluggish, which I know is meant to be part of Angelina's character but she clearly wasn't meant to work like that. She tosses Mickie TO THE OUTSIDE again and they blow an Irish whip reverse spot that sends Angelina into the steps.

We're back in the ring but the Standard Diva Jumping Clothesline means Mickie gets a bit of momentum back. Flapjack, Thesz press, then Winter interferes. Back kick by Mickie but Winter puts Angelina's foot on the rope. Angelina still grabs the rope regardless. Botox Injection, Mickie grabs the rope, and the ref sees Winter trying to remove Mickie's hand (from the rope). Earl Hebner is REALLY mad at Angelina for doing ground and pound. Mickie teases the DDT but Winter distracts her again. Northern Lights suplex, then there's a weird botchy roll-up out of the corner where Winter helps to hold Angelina down. Time for the jumping DDT, and it's completely botched, no co-ordination at all. Still gets the win. Winter post-match beatdown. What do you know, that's the next match for this thread!

These two had no chemistry together, and it showed.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1090
Mickie James (c) vs. Winter
for the TNA Knockouts Championship
TNA HardCORE Justice - August 7, 2011​

Here we go. A show where everyone groaned that they were keeping the name even though it wasn't an ECW reunion anymore and it wouldn't contain any hardcore matches. A show where the quality of the matches both topped and bottomed out at "meh". Well, except for two matches I'm looking at here. Including this one, which managed to rack up MINUS 1 star from Dave! Mickie faces the evil occult seductress in a match that doesn't seem to have been received well.

Start out with an Angelina distraction and a Winter roll-up. Mickie pulls out a dragonscrew leg whip and starts to work Winter's leg early. Her mistake is using the hair which causes Angelina to scream "HAIR PULL HAIR PULL" as if that isn't half her own offence. Mickie can't do her headscissors but slides in for a sunset flip. An Angelina distraction gives Winter control for a second until Mickie kicks her leg right out of her leg. TO THE OUTSIDE goes Winter, Mickie chases her, gets 2v1'd, ring posted, and sent into the crowd. Winter wants a count, despite being unable to win the title that way because that's not how wrestling works!

Back in the ring Winter chickenwings Mickie. She escapes with elbows and a jackknife pin attempt. Nailz-esque ground choke by Winter. Backbreaker hold, and Earl Hebner isn't interested in the hand on Mickie's throat, instead focusing on Mickie using the hair to escape. BOOT CHOKING! Mickie comes back with the headscissors and the Diva Clotheslines. Up top for the Thesz Press and it might be over, but Angelina shows up when the ref's distracted and hits Break-a-Bitch (back cracker from a reverse facelock). Mickie kicks out! Finisher has been buried as soon as it's been named! An uneven three-count by Hebner prevents a Mickie win. Mickie hits a tornado DDT that rolls Winter out of the ring. In comes Angelina but this time Mickie hits a neckbreaker. Ref distraction allows Winter to use mist and score a pin.

An absolute interference-fest, but surely not worth minus a star. Surely.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1091
Rob Van Dam vs. Crimson
Bound for Glory Series Match
TNA HardCORE Justice - August 7, 2011​

But that's not all we have to do at HardCORE Justice '11, so we take a quick look into the strange world where men wrestle too, and they have a round robin tournament where not everyone gets the same number of matches. It's RVD vs. Crimson, a clash of the top two on points, in a match that Dave called a DUD.

They're trying to sell Crimson as the giant but he's not much taller than RVD. The clash of styles is evident with RVD doing fancy stuff with his educated feet and Crimson unable to go beyond the basics. RVD does the spin kick, springboard back kick, and Rolling Thunder. Jerry Lynn approves. Crimson does knees and a neckbreaker for two. He pops Taz by doing a T-Bone suplex. TO THE OUTSIDE where RVD jumps off the apron to kick Crimson, Teases a pescado but Crimson drags him down and does nothing more than a clothesline. Not even a furniture bash? Give over. Crimson does an Irish whip so hard that he knocks both RVD and himself down. Not as impressive when that happens.

ON GOES THE... cravate. But really, when you're using it just as a fancy chinlock, does it make a lot of difference? RVD recovers and eventually gets off his split-legged moonsault for two. Five Star teased but Crimson gets up, and dodges the following kick. Falcon Arrow for two. Looks like he's about to go for Red Sky but RVD fights off with another kick. Enzuigiri (slightly sloppy) lets RVD go for the Five Star right to the face but he can't capitalise. Crimson seems dazed but he hits a spear for two. Red Sky comes out, but Jerry Lynn breaks up the pin! That's a DQ win for Crimson, a big point loss for RVD, and this will soon be revealed as a short-lived heel turn for Lynn that sees him join Immortal. This company is silly.

Very middling match with a flat finish. Not a DUD but not good at all.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1092
Winter (c) vs. Mickie James vs. Madison Rayne vs. Velvet Sky
for the TNA Knockouts Championship
TNA Bound for Glory - October 16, 2011​

Last for today, we've got the culmination of the Winter storyline... and because we love overbooking, Karen Jarrett is head of the Knockouts and special guest ref for this match. This is a DUD according to Dave, but how much of that is just because women? Find out... now!

Taz's thoughts on Velvet Sky: "she gets the crowd aroused". Angelina is out because we've got to book some more interference. Commentary and Mickie already are calling Karen out on not being in position to make counts. Winter starts off by working the arm in various basic ways. One of those includes hair-pulling. Mickie manages to get off her headscissors and a neckbreaker. In comes Madison to slap Mickie with... something. Karen congratulates her favourite, and isn't happy with the way Mickie grounds her and pounds her. Mickie's thrown out but in comes Velvet with facebreakers and a bulldog. Karen just doesn't bother counting the pin because HEEL. Karen is out of position for Madison's pin though, and Winter makes the save.

Karen directs traffic to force Mickie and Velvet to fight each other... then completely ignores the covers that the two are making. "Boring" chants as these two scrap with no result because the ref isn't interested. Madison is indignant that Mickie hits a low dropkick so she slaps her off. Tilt-a-whirl headscissors by Velvet who wipes Winter off the apron. Both bounce off the ropes but the heels drag them TO THE OUTSIDE! Now it's just multiple beatdowns which the faces quickly turn around. Winter tosses Velvet out witth a nasty thud and goes to scrap with Mickie. Karen is clearly making up fake rules to get in Mickie's face.

Angelina gives Winter something which (combined with Karen's obsesion with closed fists) allows her to make mist... but Mickie dodges and she hits Karen! REF BUMP, OF COURSE! Mickie's DDT, but no ref! Out comes Traci Brooks, who's apparently under specific instructions not to come out except as a replacement. Velvet hits IN YO' FACE on Madison and that's it, new champ!

Big career-defining moment for Velvet, crowd doesn't care that much for the match, neither do I. Real bit of an overbook there.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1093
Joseph Park vs. Joey Ryan
TNA Lockdown - March 10, 2013​

Funnily enough, TNA 2012 wasn't that well known for bad matches. You have to go to 2013 to get something of interest. And to Lockdown, taking place from a tiny corner of the Alamodome and being the place where Bully Ray ended yet another of his unconvincing babyface runs and revealed himself as the Aces and Eights leader. That doesn't go here, but there are a few things that do. This is the first, featuring the bumbling tracksuited lawyer personality of Abyss vs. Joey Rapist. No rating on Cagematch but this just looks uncomfortable.

Christy doesn't want Ryan's lollipop. At least he showed more understanding of consent than Austin Aries that one time. He cuts Generic Heel Promo and calls everyone marks, then Park cuts Generic Babyface Promo full of cheap pops. Ryan does an eye poke, then rushes outside to avoid retribution. Never thought I'd see Abyss do a full armdrag. Ryan does a crossbody and just bounces, which is a great spot, better than the standard "catch a smaller guy" spot. He sweeps Park's leg, rubs his hands over his hairy, oily chest and on Park's face. His penis is uncomfortably close to Park's face on a pin attempt. More oil abuse by Ryan.

Ryan's doing this in slow motion. Do a move, play to the crowd, pin attempt, bully Park a bit. Park gets a bit of edge by ripping Ryan's chest hair and giving him a wedgie. A lot of ass-targeting spots. Corner splash, and Park goes up top! For a splash, which misses. "Trying to formulate that closing argument, but an objection by Joey Ryan" -oh yeah, Todd Keneley's a Hollywood guy too like Ryan. What a shame he's doing his best Matt Striker impersonation. Ryan goes for a sunset flip but Park sits on him full force (like, Rosie Lottalove-style) for the three.

TV match on PPV, featuring a guy not being allowed to play to his strengths and Joey Ryan.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1094
Robbie E vs. Robbie T
TNA Lockdown - March 10, 2013​

THE ROBBIES EXPLODE! Time for TNA to try and fail once again to make Rob Terry a singles star. Dave called this one a DUD. Not surprising.

E tries to hide behind SoCal Val. He's playing the full cowardly heel, stalling and trying to hug it out (because they did that in WWE and it was popular!). T is having none of it and shoves him off. E has a headlock and T's just not selling it. "You can't wrestle" chants from like three people here, probably to both these guys. E goes for a single-leg but T just tosses him about. There's about two seconds of heat segment when T misses a corner charge. Otherwise E's getting absolutely brick walled.

Arm snap across the rope and a leg sweep. Okay, now the real heat segment begins. Wrenching the arm, and then doing a backpack sleeper because it's the backpack 1970s. T finally fights his way up and gets into the corner. E goes for a crossbody on a larger man. Silly. Time for T's notoriously limited comeback. Gorilla press scoop slam, I'm not sure how that's any better than a regular scoop slam, and it looks more awkward. Freakbuster finishes it.

Heatless sorta squash. On PPV.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1095
Kurt Angle vs. Wes Brisco
Steel Cage Match
TNA Lockdown - March 10, 2013​

I finish this off with a major bone to pick. This one's pretty infamous as, according to Dave, this is the best match on the show at three and a half stars. And... really? Three and a half stars? With Wes Brisco? If you go on to Cagematch, this is the 3.5 star match that the hivemind likes the least. (For those interested, the lowest rated 4-star match is an SMW ladder match, from the early days of the art form. The lowest rated 4.5 star match is one that I WILL get to once I'm free of TNA obligations, I swear.) Anyway, 3.44/10, which means Cagematch rates this worse out of 10 than Dave did out of 5. Who's right?

Angle starts off by tossing Brisco about like a sack of potatoes and that's just peak. Brisco does a few corner barges to get control, then tries to escape the cage and Angle says "NAAAAHH fuck you, back suplex". Angle proves how he can brawl too, but he misses a corner charge and now it's Brisco time. I think Angle may have hit his head on the cage there. Brisco tears off Angle's "Save Wrestling 2020" shirt and chokes him with the cheap material. ON GOES THE CHINLOCK! Angle fights out but Brisco does a shitty flapjack to cut him off. Another resthold. "The Wesco pedigree" -Todd Keneley. Angle does a missile dropkick.

Time for Angle to fire back, suplexes aplenty and doing some steel cage bashes because WCW never died. Five consecutive Germans from Angle! Up top for a frog splash, but he misses and Brisco rolls him up for two. Taz demands the other commentators say something nice about Brisco. Angle Slam outtanowhere! Brisco uses the No DQ aspect to punch Angle right in the penis. Why doesn't everyone do that? Because it'd make cage matches worse, that is why. Brisco crawls for the door, Angle drags him back with an ankle lock... Brisco uses leverage to send Angle into the cage. Time to climb... Angle somehow gets up and they're fighting on the ropes. German suplex off the ropes!

Angle Slam countered. Brisco ducks a clothesline and Angle BUMPS THE REFEREE because allegedly Russo is not back yet. Angle gets an ankle lock on and Brisco's tapping but the ref is down! This is why you have a second ref on the outside for the cage matches! Angle Slam and a double bird for Brisco, he escapes.... the ref still doesn't see it! D'Lo Brown is out! He bundles Angle back into the cage, drags Brisco out, and that's it, absolute bullshit finish.

You know, you can work a lot of miracles with a great heel and a dogshit babyface, but it never works with a great babyface and a dogshit heel. Because a lot of a good babyface comeback match is the heat, and if the heel is trash the heat doesn't work. Everything decent in this match was Kurt Angle, and that was only the beginning. For the rest it devolved into Hype Moments and Aura (that "shocking" late rally for Angle to follow Brisco up the cage felt very hokey), and then a finish by nonsense. Absolutely not 3.5 stars.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1096
Devon (c) vs. Joseph Park
for the TNA Television Championship
TNA Slammiversary XI - June 2, 2013​

A few months later we have something that is thankfully a one-and-done. Slammiversary 2013 was not a bad show at all. Angle vs. AJ, one of my sentimental favourite women's matches in the form of Gail vs. Taryn Last Knockout Standing, Chris Sabin on top of the X Division to set up that weird hotshot title win... and then there's this DUD. Joseph Park is in line for a title shot, and he's acting strange when he sees blood.

Champ out first, and turns out Joseph Park was attacked in the back and beaten bloody. Oh My I Wonder What Could Happen. No entrance. Devon gets some cheap heat and demands the ref ring the bell and administer a count. We make it to ten, and yup, Devon wins. Crowd shrugs. Devon gloats and talks about going to meet strippers... and some music hits. It's not Joseph Park... it's ABYSS! Who Ever Could Have Seen This Coming?

Entry #1096
Devon (c) vs. Joseph Park Abyss
for the TNA Television Championship
TNA Slammiversary XI - June 2, 2013​

Okay, it begins. Abyss wipes out Knux on the outside and displays his power. Suddenly though Devon flies in with a forearm and gets a bit of heat. ROPE CHOKING! And BOOT CHOKING! Abyss is trying to fight back but Devon rakes the eyes and goes for the legs. Because that's what we always needed: Abyss SELLING! In that case, why not just do a Joseph Park match? Devon does a falling headbutt for two. He does a leg drop and mocks Hulk Hogan, based. Finally Devon misses another headbutt and it's time for Abyss to make a comeback. Wipe out Knux again, chokeslam... Devon flips off Abyss but eats a Black Hole Slam for the win. Abyss will go on to never defend this title and let it be deactivated. TNA, everybody.

This should either have been a Joseph Park match or an Abyss squash. It was weirdly neither, and it killed the belt.